Meri Chatar Patar, Guftagu, Conversations...

Strange Balances

2012-02-15T21:49:00.002+09:00

It was justanother day. They all woke up to get on with the mundane. He did not stop tonotice how beautiful the locks of her hair looked when sunshine cast a spell.She started to straighten things back into years of togetherness shared in ahome. Time ticked on, they shared their lives – a bed, a home, their mealssometimes. Years of their marriage were cast as trophies around the house inthe form of collectibles. It was hard toimagine where all of it began. The background music of a distant bark or cheeron the television broke the balance intermittently. There she was getting on dutifully– cooking, cleaning and being a good wife. He was aware of her existence andshe was too. The door bell rang – cutting through the silence and there was a strangerwho knocked at the wrong house. Their eyes met, they shared a glance. There shewas struggling to carry a heavy piece of baggage while cleaning the room. Thestranger walked up, held it for her while she continued to clean. They lookedagain, smiled and the stranger left. He continued to read the paper while shelooked at the mirror, fixed her hair and smiled. The stranger left holding ontoa fragrance and carrying the picture of a beautiful face which was etched foreverin the heart.

Life goeson and we all find our balances, its just a question of which balance do we settle for- Two empty scales or two full ones or perhaps something in between.

Buddha on a plane

2012-02-15T21:18:00.000+09:00

Been flying, travelling and in transit for a while now. Took off early morning again to the cold land of Oslo. Watched the sun rise, saw the snow melt and just closed my eyes and stared at a blank. Few random thoughts came my way. Jotting them down.

Freedom

Strapped besides wings

Feels like a new flight to freedom

Where is it that I go? Who or what is it that I leave?

Is flying freedom? Or does it make me a captive torunning away?

I can fly miles on end or stay put for years against theshores of an angry sea...

Freedom is when none of it matters

Freedom is when I am still in moving flights andtransported when on the shore!

Silence

Can I be deaf to the noise around me?

Will I always need headphones to cut through it?

Will I need a song inside my soul to drift away?

Or will I truly be comfortable with silences?

Imagination

What I see with my eyes closed and mind open isinexplicably better than anything I have seen before.

Being

I am just a manifestation of my thoughts.

Love

Clear as ice, fluid like melting water, transient likevapour but without a state of nothing! Love eludes me!

Longing

I want you so bad! And yet I am willing to wait all mylife in the hope that you will show up on your own. What if you are waitingtoo??

Fireplaces and a sauntering mind

2012-01-17T11:57:00.000+09:00

Quotes that randomly crept when the fireplace was lit and the mind was let loose

I don't lie, I just tell people what ought to be the truth!
Houses with large mirrors are good for the ego! #Godblessmylandlady
Fall fall till you succeed! #Iceskating #Lessonsinlife
Need to stay away from #chocolate! Without resolution;-)
Drumming was the only thing I was ever good at - John Bonham! I think I would re-phrase it as ' Drumming is the only thing that makes me alive!' #Realization
My rant in a diary could be torn! I could say sorry and ask my friends to forgive me and hope that it is forgotten in time. I can't delete e-mails I have sent or remarks I have made or delete traces of data I have left in the internet space! #Realization
Bump on my head- Attempt to clean the house oblivious to objects that are dangerous by their sheer presence in 'Meetas' house! #Selfrealization
I know!! The only thing that keeps me awake at night or ticking in the day is that - 'I don't know!!' #SelfRealilzation
Watching the leaves fight against the wind and finally give up! #Autumn

Hannah and her sisters

2012-01-17T11:54:00.003+09:00

"For all my education, accomplishments and so-called wisdom, I can't fathom my own heart. "

Spent the afternoon watching a lovely Woody Allen movie and was struck by how ordinary and yet brilliant the movie was. There is something about Woody Allen that just makes life seem worth it despite the ordinary. This is a story about 3 sisters - One perfect, One recluse and the 3rd trying to re-affirm her faith in herself.

Every character is random just like Woodey Allen likes them to be. Each with their quirks. The movie shows how expectations make imperfect people look perfect. How each of us just tries to play a role and keep the balance going. How, changing the balance and equations can cause chaos and while the mind craves change, the chaos is not something we all can really deal with. Be it in the form of the 'tumor' that never was in Mickeys life, or a fling between Hannahs sister and husband the balance of Hannah and her sisters life is broken. We often carry a lot of bottled emotions, pressures in us and one fine day the balance just tips. However, we all vent and finally want to go back to a state of balance. I guess the theory of relativity does truly guide our lives.

Look around - We all have role models and ideal people who are not really what they seem but have been subjected to play that role just because that is how the evolved. We find people chasing a dream and forgetting the essence of life and life can just pass you by. What you never wanted might just be what you were always looking for.

Hannah and her sisters just left me with an urge as was quoted:

"And you're gonna believe in Jesus Christ?
I know - sounds funny. But, I'm gonna give it a try. "

I am determined to find a faith - maybe a new Woodey Allen movie!

Bookmarks

2012-01-17T11:31:00.002+09:00

Often when reading a book, we want to pause, sip on coffee or just ponder. Bookmarks were probably invented with a reason. I watch a movie. Then the intermission comes in drawing the part to a logical conclusion. Life is full of such pauses too. Important days - Birthdays, New Years, Anniversaries are all about pausing, breaking our life into parts. I guess these days just don't do it for me. Hence, I am off on a self imposed pause. Call it a vacation, a trip home or just a way to break away from a non-routine to find a way to come back to one.

I know the weeks ahead are full of a lot of pauses, bookmarks and events. Marriages/Birthdays and just re-unions or wasteful days. I have not yet unwound myself in its anticipation. I guess I will just go with the flow and see if I will get back to the book or pick it up years later to find I had left a book mark some time long ago and then flip back a few pages to start again.

Ordinary

2012-01-17T11:18:00.001+09:00

I am ordinary...

I want to snuggle in bed when the clock strikes 9. Caffeine brings a rush in my brain that fights sleep for a few more inevitable hours. Music liberates my mind. I converse with several ordinary individuals believing I am leading an extra ordinary life. I connect and yet feel detached. I clean when I have nothing else to do and vent rage via excessive physical exhaustion. I dream of romance, I live reality with a smile. I am homeless. I am my own god - I create and I destroy. I water plants- sometimes in excess or sometimes too scarce. I starve in absolution, I run to re-affirm gravity exists. I write e-mails with typos and I read books to live stories. I watch movies and cry, I often love the warmth just as much as I am oblivious to the cold. I worship creativity - caricature, musical, strange manifestations of an inner energy of the soul.

Yes I am ordinary, as ordinary as I can be...

Fear of existence and then not

2012-01-17T11:07:00.001+09:00

Fears and apprehensions are just inexplicable. We hate not knowing and yet a known eventuality is worse. I have often battled my fears and sometimes just resigned. I woke up today in the dark. Scared, frantically searching for the sun or even the sign of some moon light. I was displaced in time and reality.

I know you will be gone some day
I know I will be too!
Would knowing when or how help?
I wanted to tell you, it isn't ignorance I fear
But truly knowing that I find hard dealing with.
You knew my moon and you know my sun too
It is amazing that you left behind yourself.
The dark side of the sun and the dark side of the moon

It will all come to an end with an epitaph reading - "I knew and yet I did not find the time to write it up! I just never wanted to!"

High-School Romances

2011-12-21T10:48:00.003+09:00

There is something amazingly beautiful about high school love stories. They are so true, young, fresh and innocent. People are young, impressionable and mostly in-experienced and completely open to experiences. There are no older memories tarnishing the experience, there are no experiences dissuading you. There is only a high level of expectation, the joy of discovering the unknown and mostly an earnest hope that it will be magical.

The first kiss, the joys of watching, waiting, exchanging notes, buying cards, are all things one just never experiences again. The good thing about that age is that you actually change together and hence in those formative years, who you are with plays a very important role. You try to become the person the other appreciates, you try to like the music the other one listens to, you read similar books, and finally you paint pictures of the future and plan your life. Of course how life turns out years later, just makes you go back and wonder or smile. But the truth is those experiences never come back again. With each new relationship, you probably lose a part of yourself, you find new things about yourself and you swear you will not do what you did earlier ever again. However, this is life and we all change from being vulnerable and romantic to being practical and cynical at times. However, a lucky few probably end up with their high school love or still feel high-school like, despite years of trying. What is important is to hope that everyone experienced the magic and that hopefully the magic has had an effect on them that they are carrying for life!

She walked in and he just knew,
Something was amiss and he felt something new.
He shared his anxiety not with her but his friend.
The one who delivered to her all messages he would send.

Soon they got talking, but he never let her know.
She walked in one day saying there was something she had to show :-)
She moved close and brushed her lips quickly against his cheek,
His heart skipped a beat and his knees went all weak!

They spent time together and stole glances in class.
They were a couple and stood out during morning mass!
They had sweet names for each other, they would call.
They composed poetry and that was not all.

Breaking-Making, Philosophy and rock!
Spending time waiting or staring into a clock!
One day without a warning or even a bolt,
Time had come when their love was about to jolt!

They had to move on and make choices new.
Leave things behind and they hadn't a clue!
We plan life, we dream, we wish we can hold tight.
But destiny and time often bring on a fight!

Boy meets girl and girl meets boy,
The story of many and a promise to joy
Some stories end with the same one at last!
Some stories just leave us with memories of a lovely past.

** Inspired whilst watching that 70's show. Apologies for poetry with rhymes - the kind I would have composed back in high school:-)

Guitaring - Key-Tarring and Sore Fingers

2011-12-21T09:51:00.002+09:00

Got myself a guitar and decided to practice like never before. I have to admit I get the whole theory around it, trying it is something else. Unfortunately, the pain in my fingers just gets worse and yet I am determined to continue to play against all odds.

So here is my tip - Pick an electric guitar if you want to make this journey easy. Second of all, hope that the winter cold does not show up, just when you think you have conditioned your fingers and lastly keep up the morale even if things are going slow.

The journey starts with understanding the fret board! Then playing the basic notes over and over again. Your fingers will initially never stretch or press against the string to make the sound clear, but keep trying and you will soon find things working.

If you have an iPad or even a PC download a guitar tuning application. Learn the basic chords - C, G , D, Am, E, Dm and finally move onto F. If you can play the F you have moved up the chain suddenly (Hoorah!). There are heaps of videos out there that can teach you how to play these. Pick up a song that you can try these on and fortunately for me since I drum, the strumming pattern just happens. Given than I have a keen ear, I am overly critical of my playing when it sounds even a little off. Your fingers will turn from soft hurting fingers to hardened hurting fingers. Your shoulders may begin to ache even and finally you will have Aha moments where you can play your first chord, then you learn to change chords and finally you may actually play a song. Its been 1 week of active work for me to play a few solos and 3 songs on my guitar. However, I do know that I have a long way to go before the sound are clear and I am not covering up for the mistakes I make.

You will find heaps of advise on the internet but here is what worked for me: Focus on freeing up your fingers, making them stretch, playing with the tips of your fingers and by pressing hard against the fret board. Focus on movements of chords. Watch how your fingers move from a chord to the other. Ask yourself, is this logically the easiest way to do it or is there a better approach to changing chords. Finally, celebrating moments of success is very important.

Besides my guitar, I have my key board opened up and have spent a lot of time working on my fingering and getting the left side more co-ordinated. Its the first week I have realized how playing is easy but mastering very very tough! I have learnt that hours are spent in a day strumming or playing and yet I have not made much of a breakthrough. However, the good thing is that this has opened up my world suddenly with a zillion more possibilities. I imagine mastering the most complex pieces of guitaring and playing away on an electric guitar soon. I fancy myself playing a symphony on a piano and despite my sore fingers, I have a refreshed soul!

November Recap

2011-12-12T02:08:00.001+09:00

Had parents over for 3 months and now I walk into an empty house with the cold of December setting in. Went to Winter Wonderland a few times with kids of friends and family. Shopped like crazy for family.

Got some respite over weekend. Travelled to Brussels and have a hectic week lined up. Catching up on a few movies I had missed out

Rockstar
Delhi Belly
Ra.One

More update from London soon. Till then hope you have all had a nice month.

A still from the sunset

2011-12-03T12:22:00.001+09:00

There is poetry when the sun sets.

There is poetry in watching a bird fly

When that sky in all its orange nets,

Seems like a painting for the passers by.

There is magic in the cold breeze

There is magic in that grass so green

Thoughts slip in like I am at ease

Love, expression never quite this keen!

No pen, no paper, to jot down the thought

No camera to capture the moment passing by

But I know who, I know what, I sought

In that romantic moment, right below a vast sky!

Sometimes, Dreams dont let you give

2011-12-03T11:46:00.001+09:00

I have a picture in my mind,

The paint is still wet,

It is good I wish to stain it now

Since the colors haven’t set

I shall paint a white sky

I shall paint a blanket of snow

I shall paint a picture true

A picture that has an endless flow

I don’t wish to show it about

I don’t wish to put it on my wall

I just wish to have a painting

That you are not ashamed to call

All this while I painted a picture

Of a dream I wished to live

I forgot that sometimes

Dreams don’t let u give.

What am I doing?

2011-11-24T12:21:00.001+09:00

Awake at 3.30 a.m
Watching the world slow down!
Does the being matter or the presence?
I wonder if it is life or its essence?

Should I have learnt to carve on stone?
Or make do with Sand?
Do I defy or accept fate
Is it the start or is it too late?

What am I doing!
Why am I? Will I know?
Who am I and do I amend?
Is this the start or is this really the end?

'What-if'- A Fact of my life!

2011-11-20T09:12:00.001+09:00

Life often poses you with 'what-if' situations. There are times when I know exactly what I want and do not find it. And then there are also times when I am completely clueless about what I really want and life keeps throwing things at me. I wish this when that happens and I get that when this is supposed to happen! So 'what if' that had happened, or if today was another time and day?? Easy questions that lead to never ending thoughts with no end.Sometimes 'what -if's' just make us realize that what we have today is making us unhappy and maybe we need to set out on a new path of discovery and be brave enough to give up what we question and actually start to find. We have to be brave enough to also realize that maybe at the end of that quest we discover that we gave up exactly what we were looking for. Life is about taking risks, finding out and willing to accept that we may not find but still we should look. Belief is an interesting dimension. Experts say you have to believe for things to happen! However at the end it is easier if you don't believe to deal with the eventuality of not finding. I guess I am not sure what triggered this blog, other than a deep reflective mood, deep emotions clouding my thinking. I am feeling and for the first time I do not know what, worse still I cannot comprehend this feeling...I just know that it has made me silent, made my mind reflect, made me stoic and I know these emotions are here because when I let go and get liberated from them, I will feel a new energy. I know that these emotions bring out expressions in the form of posts, stories, imagination, music and thoughts.

I spent the day doing a lot of things, the best part was a ride which was a free fall for 8 seconds. However, on another ride, (the one that took me high, got me twisted 360 degree looking down) I felt I was truly alone! High up, looking down in motion I was alone and also scared! I was scared of being alone in a large crowd. I was scared of not belonging, I was afraid of being disconnected. It is in that moment a realization dawned, I am missing something, I am feeling something, I just need to let this one stay and figure it out. I need to acknowledge feelings beyond my mind, I need to just feel for a bit. Suddenly the ride stopped, so did the noise and I was deaf to all the screaming. I could not see beyond blurred images around me and I could not feel myself as I was numb and cold!

I walked back tired and was wondering - 'What-if' I had not taken that ride today.....

Wait...

2011-11-17T11:07:00.001+09:00

There was a time when

I would wait for the clock to strike nine!
I would wait for my phone to ring.
I would wait to get out of a meeting
I would wait to get home and sing.
I would wait to check my mails
I would wait to watch the moon
I would wait to get a glimpse
I would wait to meet at noon!
I would wait to hear a voice
I would wait to put my life on hold
I would wait to catch a glimpse
I would wait and do nothing till I am told
I would wait to cook some dinner
I would wait to go some place nice
I would wait to reach the other end of town
I would wait to sheepishly entice

Today I do wait but not like I waited before
Today I do wait to want to wait some more!

To be on not to be?

2011-11-17T10:51:00.000+09:00

To be a part of someones life or not to be is a quintessential question that does haunt a lot of us at times. Often you wish you could be part of someones life and often you wish how did you become a part of someones life when you did not intend to.

Anyways being a part of someones life can vary. You can for instance be a:

Phone call friend
A Facebook connect who comments on all status updates
A neighbor who just smiles and says hello everyday
Or someone who is the reason for another one to exist! (Sigh romance never dies does it?;-)

Truth is I know I am a part of a lot of peoples lives. I know that there are people who continue to be elusive and I crave to be part of their lives! (SRK for instance:-p) However, I am not sure where lies the boundary between becoming a part and remaining an acquaintance.Not sure if despite so many connections I am missing something or someone. Would I have turned out to be different had I not been part of a few peoples lives or if I had been part of other peoples lives! I guess I will never know. I do know that people influence me all the time. People drive my life and I think it is my emotions for people that actually shapes up my life everyday. To be apart or a part? On that note, a good night from a cold but beautiful city well lit with Christmas lights all over. 'Thank you' to those who are a part of my blog world!

Delights of Rag Kalavati and Rag Des

2011-11-15T11:18:00.008+09:00

Had ample time today for a change. Had time to sit back and practice and understand structures of Rags on my key board.

How do you begin this journey of appreciating classical music even?

Tip from a learned one (not me) -

1. Listen Listen and Listen. There is no substitute to that.

2. Replace your music library with a whole lot of good music. Wipe out the Bollywood Masala, the Hip-Hop and load in as much of Classical Music you can. Of course listen to your regular stuff when your mind is switched off;-)

3. Create playlist's based on Rags (helps big time)

4. Identify one movie song with each Rag to identify with a Rag

5. Spend time, be patient and sing out every new Rag you learn.

6. If you are not good at signing, then use a key board to understand the Rag. Play it out and see the play of keys

7. Do not try learning everything. Focus on a few you love and go deep.

8. Fail fail till you succeed. You will get frustrated in the journey but once you get past that, it will be fun.

9. Understand the following terms - That, Aroho, Avaroha, Samvadi, Pakad (All simple concepts just sound complicated and dont bother about the terms as much as what they mean)

10. Music is like Math - time however is a dominant axis! That was my way of looking at it.

I focused on Rag Kalavati to begin with. Why? This rag has lured me from the time I started to be drawn back into the world of 'Hindustani':-) There is a rendition from Dr Prabha Atre which is beautiful. I heard it and wanted to listen to end endlessly. The most fascinating thing about this Rag is the parts where the notes NSG. SGP brings in a kind of beauty I cannot explain. This Rag is based on the Khamaj 'That'. 'That' is a structure of notes which defines the permissible notes resulting in different beautiful Rags based on the usage of those notes. Khamaj has the following notes:

S R G m P D n S'

Rag Kalavati essentially has the following Aroha and Avaroha (you can find a whole lot of literature about this Rag around the net)

S G P D n S' and S' n D P G S respectively.

Now if you listen to the song from the hindi movie - Hai Agar Dushman Zamana Kam Nahin - You can see a resemblance to this Rag. However there are a lot of places where the rules are violated.

When you listen carefully to the rendition mentioned above starting in the 5:57 minute going onto 7:10 minutes you will appreciate the various aspects of this Rag and probably understand the notes used better.

The next Rag tried and tested today is the Rag Des. Most of you would immediately relate to this one thanks to 'Vande Mataram' a song you immediately sing as soon as you dabble with this Rag. However on closer look and playing it was so easy to confuse this to Khamaaj and Tilak Kamod. As I played the Rag I realized that the song - 'Aaoge Jab Tum from Jab We met' is hovering around this Rag and that got me to understand Khamaaj.

The structures of all of these Rags are mentioned here for your reference

Rag Desh Aroha and Avarohana

S R m P N S

S’ R’ n D P m G R G ‘N S

See how G is absent when ascending and how the N changes when descending with an addition of D and G

Khamaaj:

'N S G m P N S'. (R of Des is absent)

S' n D P m P D G m R S

I am yet to learn a whole lot in these Rags but the start was exciting and being able to play it and try out some of my own stuff was even better.

Sorry to bore my non-musical readers. But well I was excited and wanted to write down notes to myself. Hopefully the next few days are about a journey through various Rags and music.

Today was a definite 'win' day - Dad and Mum also played on my Keyboard and picked up a few basics very easily.

Happy Childrens Day

2011-11-15T08:27:00.002+09:00

Children make me happy:-)
Children make me care!
Children make me forget time!
Children teach me that life is actually fair!

They have all taught me how to live.
They have taught me to just be.
They have taught me life can be easy.
Its about how we choose to see!

They are born in completely new times
They are born to explore things unknown
They are born to amazing Moms
Friends of mine with whom I have grown!

I am sure they will turn out just fine
I am sure they will live it up too
Cheers to their naughtiness
Cheers to their innocence true!

To all the lovely kids who have given me a reason to live, smile and blessed me with moments of happiness that I cannot describe. They have brought out the maternal side in me at times. (marriage notwithstanding) I wish all of you the best life ahead, the best experiences and most importantly I wish that you - yourself experience life and live and learn. Wishing all of you transform into wonders that will conquer the world.

Here is to Arna, Aanya, Arjun, Dhwani (kutti), Mahika, Manmay (Tai), Naisha, Nayan, Ria, and many other kids who have brought about a smile always. Happy childrens day!

Another year gone by

2011-11-08T11:26:00.006+09:00

Cant believe another year has gone past. This year had started with excitement and a promise. Like its start it was full of interesting encounters and changes in my life. From strange long sleepless nights in Portland to exciting but nervous days of leaving Bangalore, the year has offered a lot to me. The highlight of this year of my life has been ‘music’. I know I have come back to this love of my life and I am determined to invest, learn and unearth new things. I have started to take a leap. A leap towards trying, letting go, fearlessly embracing all that is real and possible. I have also mastered the art of treading back to my past like it is new and make fresh starts on many fronts. I am lost though and depressed as always on this day- My Birthday! Probably because it reminds me that one is expected to grow, change and feel accomplished as time goes by. And yet here I am clueless about most parts of my life and waiting to accomplish so much more. I feel like I am in the garden of Eden surrounded by apples that all look enticing. I have a desire to try them all and have no clue which ones I really want to pick.

As always people have been an important and integral part of my life. I want to thank a stranger who had no clue but inspired me to try, believe and go back to a lot of passions opening my eyes to what I have been missing. Also for teaching me brevity, patience and most importantly for making me realize that it’s the mind that can make anything or anyone turn into gold! I want to thank N for connecting again, accepting me despite all changes we have both been through and for the lovely bond we still share. For telling me the ‘secret’ that is me! Then of course there has been so much I have found in the long pointless conversations at boca over a ‘sutta’ or two! Most importantly I have learned that friends do disagree, bicker and get on each others nerves. However, in a far off land when you get lonely despite the diversity the city has to offer, realizations strike about how comfort and nothingness spent together can never be replaced with new found passions or friends – Faces of those friends come back bringing back a smile and one stares up in the sky gaping at a bunch of fleeting birds going back home or a flight taking off at heathrow! Thanks T, S for being around as always! Then of course you return home on days wanting to reach out to someone who will always open the door no matter what time of the day it is. A thanks for being that friend who is 'home' and also for a lovely gift - a mirror of you - 'D'

I have missed out a whole lot of people from this note and its not because they mean any less. But simply because as always I am on a flight headed to the US and and I am running out of charge and need to shut down. Before I do shut down and welcome a new day, a new year and a new age that I feel extremely depressed about – I want to make a promise to myself that I will write whenever I feel like. I will spend a third of my year learning music, art and in creating as that’s what gives me joy. I want to give up on a lot of things and have made a good start at giving up several addictions. Just realized , people addictions are far more easier to quit than others!

Happy Birthday to myself.

Staying Alive!

2011-10-23T07:53:00.002+09:00

I am glad I want to write. The last few days just felt like I had lost me to a strange phenomenon! I had stopped listening to music and the excuse wasn't time but desire. I had stopped wanting to write and the excuse was not the lack of words but lack of thoughts. It was scary.

I looked in the mirror, wondering if this was really me. My wish of knowing what life would be without words or music had nearly come true! Funnily I looked just fine! Nothing had really stopped, nothing had really changed. Maybe I had even lost my ability to comprehend the change.

I have been wondering, why is it that we all live? Is life about the heart beating and time going by? How does one feel alive? Should I live beyond when my soul would be alive or should I be given a choice to end my life the day I want? I guess these are philosophical questions retorted by scientific answers and the law says we all should live and keep every soul on earth alive for as much as we can! We are all striving to keep life in our own ways. Why do we love conserving? Why do we not accept evolution? Why do we want to be high up in the food chain and look for means to be immortal? Any which ways, these questions had nothing to do with music or writing and yet I felt not any different without them.

However, when I woke up today, it was just another uninspiring day and when I stepped out, embraced the world, just like that - music came back, books did too and the writer in me is beginning to surface. However I know now, it is not the expressions or the art but something in 'me' that keeps me alive!

Good night world and have a lovely morning. I hope you wake up realizing you are in love or finding a case of money waiting to be spent! It might be fleeting, but that might give you a reason to be alive yet again!

Unusual Shadow!

2011-10-23T07:41:00.000+09:00

Like a long unwinding snake, crawling across broken streets
Wading through the changing persona, that of splendor and then an emptiness
A black boxed extension of my universe, plays a song
Brings back a memory, a story, a desire!

I try to comprehend my own mind
I fail and give up wanting to just walk
I walk look, capture and click
I learn, I unlearn, I am drawn

In the background, I notice a face
Constantly hounding me with a smile
Following me, telling me, just being around
I think its my shadow and leave it to hound!

The sun sets just the way it rose
The moon creeps up shining in the sky
I see the face, still alive, wanting a peep!
At the hour when they say shadows go to sleep

I wonder what it is then?
Who is it I should have thought!
Instead I am lost writing an experience
The shadow was just my reason to not!

I know for most this is the most unusual form of poetry or prose, who cares I am glad I just expressed. After all my blog is my space, or so I think!

Lyrics or Songs?

2011-10-11T08:02:00.001+09:00

I am always torn between songs and lyrics and inevitably lyrics win. However lyrics with a bad tune just so dont!!!

Today an amazing singer passed away - Jagjit Singh. I loved his choice of Ghazals. I loved the poets he brought to life. I did think his song eventually sounded the same but there was a finesse in his voice which comes only as a natural gift.

Poetry I believe has been my best friend even in times of distress, lulls and speed such as now. I have no time to realize where I am, I have no time to figure out how life will be tomorrow. I just know I am! in the moment. I do remember my past vividly though I wish I did not. I do make new memories every minute with no time to even savor them. There are lots of things I have stopped to do such as Run, Exercise and write.

Since we are on the topic of poetry, I was reminded of Sri Harivansh Rai Bacchan and his poem

' Jo Beet Gayi So Baat Gayi'

Two songs of JS come back as a flash to me. 'Sarakti Jaaye hai ruk se naqaab, Aahista Aahista' and 'Tum ko dekha tho yeh khayaal aaya, zindagi dhoop tum ghana saaya'

Haala ki London ki sardi mai saaya nahin dhoop ki aarzoo hai!

I am sure this would be one of those posts I will not be very proud of!:-)

London - As I see it

2011-10-03T18:44:00.001+09:00

This city feels like the epicenter of a cultural volcano. Looks calm at the surface despite the molten, quasi states of a zillion tourists and the strong and lost identities of the immigrants! What constitutes this city? It is hard to describe - Maybe culture, Maybe trade, Maybe the feeling of belonging or the feeling of not finding it my own. For being a lover of art and culture - this feels like 'Mecca'. Today I am settled in and feel like I am beginning to belong. I have managed to watch a few plays, a few concerts, walked down most known streets. I have a list of must do's for myself before I set foot into the wilderness of the globe yet again.

- Watch all my favorite artists perform
- Watch the wicked, phantom of the opera and a few not so advertised but still awesome plays
- Finish up my short course in art direction
- Learn the piano and a few other instruments. Indulge in Music - Classical Forms, Percussion!
- Walk Zone 1 and 2 of London over a weekend!
- Take the night bus more often
- Get as many seats as possible for the London Jazz Festival.

Clicked a few pictures to remember how this journey started! Just like London says - All of you are welcome as long as you are in transit!

About addictions and giving up

2011-09-21T06:29:00.000+09:00

I always believed I was born to be the Buddha!:-) Then reality hits me that I am just as human as the 'Hungry Buddha' is for food, or the 'Worldly Buddha' is for material needs. We all as human beings 'need' and constantly fill our lives with shallow but yet relishing fillers such as chocolates, ice creams, relationships, chatter and what not. Some of us come with an additional dimension called determination which can work either in keeping away or leading to 'addiction'.

I admit there are things I wish I could give up but have failed to.
There are people I wish to forget,
There are habits I wish to discard,
There are words I wish to delete from my vocabulary,
There are thoughts I wish that never come by,
However try as much as I do, the mind always attracts the very thoughts and things we are trying to evade.

Hence here I am yet again, determined that tomorrow will be a new day and I renounce! I do know already however that I might have this same conversation, yet again with 'You' my blog tomorrow. Afterall life is about addictions and giving up!

PS: I love chocolates, I enjoy conversations, I crave friends, I am a firm believer of love!

It was not so much, It was indeed

2011-09-16T09:42:00.000+09:00

We were standing a few inches apart

The air between had calmed down a while ago

You turned around and asked something off me

And suddenly a storm burst out inside of me.

It wasn’t so much what you asked me to give

It was indeed that you did ask.

It wasn’t so much that nothing mattered to you

It was indeed about- did it ever?

It wasn’t so much about how I was today

It was indeed about a past

It wasn’t so much about reality

It was indeed about faith

I have withdrawn – Broken, Stronger and Detached

You can talk, you can sing

You can ask, you can cling

But now I know the faith – will never come back

You have shattered that for me and this time forever

Life you are a bitch sometimes!

Why I should not watch a bollywood movie, and why I should make one!

2011-09-13T06:37:00.001+09:00

Spent the weekend watching a few movies. Ranging from 'How Cliche' to 'Argh completely crappy' and 'Seriously??!!?' my expressions just kept getting better through the evening. However it also made me wonder why on earth was I not making movies!!! An inner voice then said - 'Possibly because you want to tell a story!'

For beginners, Mere Brother Ki Dulhan - I mean completely predictable pointless movie. A movie that proved yet again that people will go watch Katrina because she looks good and that Imran Khan despite his various attempts at diversity is highly cliched! His lineage is not helping him anymore. The story was predictable(I mean the title says it all), the acting terrible and the music was just overwhelming excessive! A song played every few minutes and I tossed back into literally counting all sins committed in the recent past! The clothes!! OMG, why could Imran Khan not get over checks? I mean he looked like he wore the same thing throughout the movie.

Dabang?? - A movie that has confirmed that Indian masses worship heroes (literally) and movies are not about acting or a story anymore. They are about watching hero figures perform and in return we the audience call it talent shove undulated reverence to these legendary heroes! I mean I do love mindless movies but not any piece of crap that people want to pass off. Usually with a tag that says - 'Oh well the Indian audience has so many issues, blah blah blah and they want to get away from home and leave their brains behind'. Brains I agree but sensibilities?? - Sorry!! Slapstick comedy, exaggerated dialogue based movies can be made but the director and actors need to work hard atleast to prove their worth in showing some creativity in this genre. We cannot have Salman not even attempting to sound like a UP police walah because he has a 6 pack to expose.

I pondered a bit more and concluded that 'we the Indians', 'the masses' have reverence for mindlessness. Average Indians are not drawn to art or sophistication because they have no idea how to appreciate the same. Their lives are surrounded with poverty and struggle but mostly not from an economic stand point but also a cultural stand point. Hence any evolution in terms of intelligent art is a far cry today. These movies will hence continue to make money and continue to deteriorate and take the average Indian audience away from abstract intellectual meaningful art. Heros like Salman, SRK will continue to rule because they have made their homes in these minds - Mind you not via great cinema but great salesman ship of their image and star status. It baffles me when I watch a few of these people in various interviews. Its amazing how intelligent some of these people really are and its amazing how revenues in movies have nothing to do with the movie. Instead today it has only boiled down to which star can attract the masses to the theater. The sad part is we will all continue to live in this mode unless someone has the courage to break through and stop producing mass masala with one of these stars who also has the courage to risk his/her TRP by trying out a real movie for a change.

Is there a crowd out there willing to watch something more realistic and interesting? Or will we continue to admire sub-standard ways of showcasing a story? Indian producers, directors and actors are completely capable of making a sensible, full of unreal moments, filled with music, but well made movie. But it seems like the focus has changed from truly good movie making to making money, creating a business model that works on the grounds of laziness and mass appeal. India has been the land where brilliant poets, lovely forms of music and dance thrived in everyones hearts centuries ago. Today we are sadly partitioned between a section of youth who has a thirst for sophistication and a mass that is all ready to embrace stardom for iconic value. And almost no significant individuals who seek art for its glory. I always had a story to tell, infact several stories to tell. However today there is very little hope that there will be anyone who will want to listen. I wonder if it will be possible in this life time that Indian Masses take a hard look at themselves and learn from their past about how we are culturally deteriorating as a nation? Or am I just being a pretentious b**tch??

Excessive mind

2011-09-12T09:10:00.000+09:00

Have you ever felt like there is just so much you are experiencing and somehow in that moment you do want to capture and share those experiences, but you are troubled with the starting point?

I am stuck today at that exact point, where I know the last few weeks/months have been varied experiences and yet time is ticking by and I don't know where I should begin.

Recent Highlights and days to come!

Germany - 5 cities (3days Tour)
Stockholm - a 10 hour airport/flight experience
Feel like a Londoner now - Got myself a Cineworld pass and watched some crappy movies just to make it worth it.
Waiting for parents to arrive!
Discovered some amazing music
Watched all of 'Big Bang Theory'
Catching up with 'How I met my mother'
Missing home!:-(
Missing A, S, T!
Looking forward to life in Manchester for a bit
Feel like I have lost control again and this time I am not even pondering about it.
Started to cook a whole lot!
Reading a lot of 'Quantum Physics' again.
Back to twitter again!

Listening to

'All that you touch
and all that you see
All that you taste
All you feel.
and all that you love
and all that you hate
All you distrust
All you save.
and all that you give
and all that you deal
and all that you buy,
beg, borrow or steal.
and all you create
and all you destroy
and all that you do
and all that you say.
and all that you eat
And everyone you meet
and all that you slight
And everyone you fight.
and all that is now
and all that is gone
and all that's to come
and everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon. '

So true, life is after all the dark side of the moon!

Silence?

2011-08-25T16:09:00.000+09:00

Your silence is killing. Your presence in it even more.
Sometimes I wish I went deaf to the silences with incoherent voices of the past.

My favorite songs of the month

2011-08-22T18:46:00.001+09:00

I guess I have been listening to some amazing music. Not promising any of it is really new but just wanted to share my list nevertheless.

Race with the devil on a spanish highway (One the best jazz numbers)

Drumming is awesome, guitaring even better. It is sheer joy! Jazz in many ways is a game of maths, timing and numbers. Once you get the hang of it, it takes percussion to a different level and makes it an enjoyable experience.

A piece of Hindustani classical that is just too captivating to common man and otherwise. It is not too complex a piece but the benaras gharana tabla is just too appealing. Also the variety of notes and pitches the singer is able to touch at points is not easy to reproduce at all.

Jagjit singh at his best: Trying to get my hands on a recording I have on my disk. Love this one for the lyrics especially and there is a version where Jagjit sign shows the difference in the words Janaab and Huzur via his singing in the last stanza. That is the part that appeals the most to me.

Some amazing classical by a lady becoming my favourite: Malini Rajurkar:

Veena tai for I have a special affinity to her voice. Sounds like someone I know very much.

Heard her live in Bangalore and was a concert I will not forget.

Hope you all enjoy these as well.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

2011-08-20T22:02:00.001+09:00

What a movie! It took me a while to enjoy it simply because the first time you watch it, the mind needs to get aligned to whats coming. I loved the movie for it is

Cool
Brilliantly Shot
Has a background score that will haunt you forever
Has a message somewhere.
Has some brilliant acting (Tuco!!!)

You might not enjoy this movie if you like realism, don't expect a few snags and if you are not looking for any macho-ism on display. This movie to me draws a parallel to Sholay. It would have set a precedent in its time and it is not so much Clint Eastwood but the overall experience that made this movie worth a watch a number of times. It is epic! I plan on catching up on my movie list yet again.

A new start?

2011-08-16T06:41:00.001+09:00

Settled in London, found a house and checked in. Its strange how the process repeats itself all over again every single time when you setup a house and yet there is no short cut. You just have to go through the grill.

I have had interesting times, felt bad about moving continents, leaving an apartment behind and most importantly my friends and family in a time zone 5 hours away. At the same time I am excited about this new phase for it promises a lot of experiences.

Marked my first day with a run in Regents park. Watched rugby, got wet in the rain and listened to music at my pace in my way and just experienced sheer bliss. I don't know if it was the run or the rain or was the fact that I knew I had established a new rapport with this city, marked my territory in the park with so many joggers, passers by and tourists, but something was monumental about my run today. I made a new memory with a new song and a new story.
Met interesting people at a friends party and firmly believe that the world is indeed a small place and London even smaller;-) Connections from the past linger by and interesting times are yet to come.
Learnt to play my first set of chords on the guitar - D, C, G, Am and struggling with my Open F!
Have a long list of to-buy, an even longer list of to-dos and heck a hectic week ahead.
Excited that my folks will finally be around and I can show them Europe and hope that the weather is not too harsh.

Looking forward to watching many a concerts and all the plays and learning some art direction. I had promised myself this year would be about re-defining myself and so far I have been at it. Whoever told it would be easy?? I was only told it would be fun!

Disha- A simple movie that got me thinking

2011-04-19T08:30:00.001+09:00

Watching a movie on a flight is a difference experience. It actually is a very up, close and personal encounter. I tend to focus more, listen intently and grab details which I might not have in a large auditorium with several other individuals sharing my screen space!

I watched "Disha" all over again after several years. I love this movie for it is a depiction of the true industrial revolution, urbanization and the impact it has had on lives of the "aam aadmi". It showcases beautifully and yet in detail the implications of the change and the impact of the failure of a democracy to have changed the life of a rural struggling farmer.

There are moments in this movie when reality hits you hard. It shows the frustrations of a man wanting to work hard, but having no means to work in a small village. He is at the mercy of chance to get work on a particular day. He then moves onto a city - Mumbai in the hope that the various employment options will change his life. He sacrifices his happiness by leaving a socially warm, rich life to struggle in a city away from his family. Mumbai the land for mill workers in the 70's and 80's attracted loads of rural folks and gobbled them up in ways you and I cannot even fathom. "Sone ki jagah hai lekin karvat nahin badal sakte. Sote hai shift mai!" This line pretty much describes the standard of living.

The madness of a man to change his fate is depicted brilliantly. He believes he can actually dig dig and dig to find water. He digs for 12 long years, most people call him crazy and one day he does strike water. The depiction of the scene and the madness captured is brilliant. The movie does not glorify anyone or preach change. It very realistically takes us through the lives of all these characters weaving a story around different kinds of realities that existed in the 70's and 80's. I loved the movie , the characters and the small details that brought about the depth of struggle and kept me glued to reality.
There is a scene where a couple wants to "make love" but need to drive their kids outside to sleep, there is a scene where a villager asks his wife to smoke a beedi and enjoy a few vices, there is a scene where dead machines showcase the redundancy of man! I recommend this movie to anyone who has an appetite for reality and social art house movies. The movie has had a special impact on me and has made me want to understand more about the lives of people I rarely meet, individuals in rural India , individuals who are the majority of India! Someday I hope, I can make a film with this much depth, simplicity and brilliance.

I bow down Sai Paranjpaye!

Whirlpool of fast forwards and rewinds. No time for stills

2011-04-08T07:53:00.002+09:00

Lots has happened since I last wrote down a post. Goa, Badami, Cycling expeditions, New Countries, Understanding of physics, Music and sound, More Hindustani music and what not!

Well I thoroughly enjoyed Goa, specially the time spent on the road, bike and with myself traversing the strange hidden spots of this fantastic lovely quaint town that I will definitely go back to. I will go back and write a book or just write blurbs some day. The sea just brings out some hidden thoughts and makes me very quiet and pensive. Cousin time was amazing with all of us just chilling out and relaxing. Life just had 3 motives - eat, drink and be merry!

The next trip was a random one, hot weather and history coupled with Architecture - A subject I secretly enjoyed. I am very fascinated by proportions, expressions and structures. Ancient times were all about civilizations, boundaries and structures that defined cities, strength and boundaries. Today architecture has boiled down to convenience more than art. We are saddled with the limitations of realigning versus building from scratch. I mean years ago people got a structureless earth on a platter (possibly) and ended up crafting their own civilizations. Today we have crafted our cities and towns. However, yet there is a huge expanse of unconquered territory. I got bitten by wasps, stung by bees and scraped by bats. I ate in huts and relished the basic food of a villager, traveled by train and enjoyed fabulous conversations with friends, random connections and extremely learned folks.

I also spent an interesting week with an old friend. We gazed at stars and I realized and remembered how much I loved astronomy. As a child, I would spend long hours, gazing into a clear sky. The street lights were non existent, the eyes curious and I would watch. I would then read. I remember the black book I had which was called "All about space". I then began to go back and read up my basics. One night watching a news flash about the experiment of sending an extremely hi-tech hubble telescope into space to capture light beyond frequency of visible eyes, which lead to the discovery of the cosmic light got my attention. I then spent several nights reading up on the theory of light and its application in understanding the origin of the universe. I realized at a fundamental level the world of researchers was split between nothing and infinite. Two sides of the same coin. Shunya and Infinity - Again something that I had discussed at length over my Badami trip. Seems like am part of the Shunya clan that believes that the universe emerged from nothing vs the other set that believes that the universe always existed as infinite. Anyways the research from this particular experiment and facts I read, alluded to high possibilities that the universe did not in fact start from a dot, but was always and is just expanding.

Astronomy drew me to science and I picked up my old time favorite Mr Feynman. Gosh! is there joy in learning about heat, resistance and social interactions scientifically? I so wish I could go back and learn all over again in an entire new way.

I also realized that at the root of it, I am a very curious person. I was curious about sound and frequencies. I was curious about learning as to how certain wavelengths of light we cannot see but can hear by tuning into our radios. I wanted to understand why certain patterns of notes arouse a certain mood in us. There is of course science to things. I love some musical pieces immensely and never understood why. I then began to pay attention and I realized I truly enjoy music that has certain nuances such as usage of adjacent musical notes for instance. Like in Rag Lalit the usage of M' and M with the G and similarly NiSR' all adjacent produces some sort of amazing twists that my ear enjoys. Similarly there is this strange connection I have with Rag Kalavati. Prabha Atre's rendition is possibly the most amazing one. What a voice and what clarity she has. The effortlessness is awesome just like it is with Ashwini Bhide or Kishori Amonkar. I have learnt a whole lot about sound, music, recording, mixing and spent significant long hours only listening to sounds and variations.

Finally, I am moving, I am moving base for a little bit to London. The move needs a whole new post I know. But I am excited for this is going to be my year of travel. I am extremely weary about letting go. I will miss my friends, my loved ones and my apartment and life back in Bangalore. I have not had the time to write and capture the changes in my life. But I do know this year is fast paced and I am loving it. I have changed very distinctly in the last 1 year. For the first time in my life in years I think I have been extremely happy with myself and my time on my own. I am doing things I love and care for. I am not driven by love or by other people in my life or so I would like to believe. I am finally living for the expressions within me, the music in me that wants to just be allowed to experience itself, the energy in me waiting to do so many things, the nomad in me wanting to explore and experience cities, people and silences. I will update this space more, I will write more, I will watch the stars, I will capture pictures, I will sing more and I will learn a lot more this year. I just know! I wish I can rewind or move ahead and fast forward, but life is a motion picture. I did learn the art to pause and sometimes enjoy the stills!

Old connections and new relationships

2011-03-11T17:57:00.001+09:00

From the moment they set their eyes it was intense. The twinkle in one lured the other and before they knew it, just like that, by the works of destiny they were involved. Involved in each others emotions. They were invested! Invested in each others lives. They were bound! Bound by each others presence. It was rare to ever experience strong instant attraction and yet, it just seemed to have happened leaving them with no space to decipher the laws of nature. And then…. they walked past life’s significant milestones, doing things they were driven or destined to do. Not knowing if the other even existed. The passion was lost, the familiarity gave way to distances, the connection seemed broken. They often wondered- “What had really bound them back then? Not interests, not passions or causes. Probably it was sheer emotions and a strange untold bond.” They often wondered why it ever happened and if it really did happen??

After many years of being strangers, they met again. Two different people traversing the same spaces of time starting together often end up becoming complete strangers. Simply because their experiences, their evolution probably was so different. However memories have the power of connecting people in strange ways. They discovered, they spoke, they felt a connection. Except they were surprised at what they found. Over the years when they started as two complete different people, went over different experiences they somehow today seemed like they had found their common ground. They were after all very similar indeed. There is no definite end to connections we make, no defined ways in which they shape up, no predictable ways in which they evolve. But it seems like most connections have a purpose and if not today after several years we do learn to appreciate what we never saw in them. They could then be sheer memories or just sometimes if you are lucky a connection once can become a new relationship with the same person in the same life time.

A toddlers view of the world!

2011-03-04T13:43:00.000+09:00

It started out to be a lazy day. I woke up late, wandered around, sipped on tea, read the papers and listened to some music. The urge to figure the technicalities of my key board pushed me out of this mode and off I went looking for the manual. Funnily the keyboard was forgotten, the laziness sunk in again and I found myself in front of a pile of old papers. Reluctantly I started to open it and read. It was a surprising, shocking, revealing afternoon. "There is treasure everywhere!" says Calvin! Indeed! I found sheets of paper preciously scribbled with puerile illusions/thoughts and imprints. Things I have written over the years and managed to salvage. The beauty lies in how some were folded like they lived in pockets of a teenager, some nicely filed like they meant something special to a tiny toddler and some scribbled with scratches telling me how difficult it was for a high school kid to think, create and work without spell checks!

I decided to bring back to life a few of those creations! Filing them on my blog as a memory, an archive that I might not lose as easily as paper with blurred ink and pencil!

A Real man and a real friend

If you help at times of need

And always do good deeds

At times even if you give them your heed

Then you are a real friend.

If you always work for your feed

And also reap your self grown seeds

Also if you have the right way to lead

Then you are a real man

- Meeta Gangrade (Class III)

Gandhiji

Truth is the right way

Which has to be followed everyday

Violence is nothing, but shatters everything

These were the words of his.

He fought for our rights

But violence was never in sight

HE freed his motherland

Which was by a great non-violent fight.

-Meeta Gangrade (Class IV)

The uncared child

This poem is about a child who is upset with life and is not happy with the world. He sits depressed and thinks.

I sat one morn

And wondered why I was born?

To face an evil world

Where there was no straight road.

My parents never cared for me

They always seemed a scare to me

I cursed god all day

But was to my dismay.

--Meeta Gangrade (Class IV)

The Court

In black and white

All stand tight

Silence in the room

And all are in sight

Then comes the judge

And then a bang-bang

A queer looking man

Who should be hanged

Arguments start

The judge listens keenly too

Each one tries to say his part

And the crowd is waiting for a clue.

Finally the judge

Says a word or two

People leave the courtroom

Silently wearing their nice little shoes.

- Meeta Gangrade (Class III)
** I remember I only spoke in English. Had learned a few hard words and used to try hard to use them in my sentences.

A friend

Tooth are rooted

On your base that is suited ,

Only for my prideful hands.

We take you for granted

As if, you are unwanted

But you are the cause of my plight,

I always greet you with delight.

For you also decide my fate

As you help me impress all my mates.

You also decide the state

Of my eager hair, for you they do await.

You just rumble past my hair

And set them back to place a where

They look cool neat and fair

Oh comb! My friend, I need you everywhere!

- Meeta Gangrade (Class IV)

** Clearly I was obsessed with rhymes, impressions and hair do's!

Victory

There was a cliff, broken withered and sleek!

My aim- to reach its summit, its peak.

I started out afresh, with nothing more than a walking stick.

But at every juncture, I wanted more and I became quick.

The path broken, the peak out of sight...(gosh)!

I raised my will and mustered all my might.

I began again, tired at times, I would stop

But I never kept out of sight, my dream- The top.

And I would again want to get there and win

But all the while hoping my "victory" wasn't a whim.

I crawled, I ran, I waded, I slid and fell.

I went through torment, bliss and hell.

But in each minute lived in my adventure

I know just one thing that was true

Despite all this troubled stature

"Oh Victory"- I was getting closer and closer to you!

- Meeta Gangrade (Class VII)

Black Swan

2011-02-16T07:23:00.005+09:00

There is something about the dark which is also perfect.

You unleash, you let go, you come to terms with your inner self.

There is something about black that makes the hue complete.

It stains, it covers, it tarnishes, daub it over and you erase the white!

I have in me passion that stems from ghosts of my own making.

I have in me desire waiting to unravel in a moment ripe in spite.

I have in me venom stemming from the marvels of the day.

I have in me a song unsung to shatter the noise inside my soul.

Take over and let me out of bounds;

Ignite me to burn into ash the dead inside me.

Let the beauty be raw and undesirable at show.

I promise I will stand all white waiting to live again!

Inspired by the movie Black Swan!

Anything I write about the movie will not do justice to what I felt when I saw the movie. Sheer genius comes live in the story, the telling and the performance. I know I will always watch this movie and go back to the dark looking for something, feeling like the dark sides of me are after all not an illusion. The movie kept me absorbed all through. The story has me thinking beyond my sleep, the performance was flawless, the direction and camera work simply perfect! I recommend you watch the movie. I know I will many a times again.

Who am I?

2011-02-13T04:34:00.003+09:00

I have been on a journey of self realization, pondering and discovery off late. Just wanted to jot down things that came to my mind.

I love free flow more than structure.
I am curious but not to conclude.
I like shades and not defined colours.
I appreciate small things but dislike details.
I enjoy logic, but know that there is randomness behind reason.

I have not mastered or even gotten close to knowing how to communicate.
I have to do something about an idea in my mind in the first few minutes of its inception. Else I know I never will!
I always reconcile very quickly with behavioral realities of people, even if it is something I do not completely understand. In the process I have begun to forget what I truly agree with.
Human behaviour can be understood and not many have the time to delve into it beyond words, actions and discover intent.
I would probably be very unhappy if things would turn out to be exactly how they seemed.

There is a pattern to me and I am beginning to discover it. I am not sure where this phase of discovery is going to end. All I know is that it is sometimes extremely taxing to spend time with yourself to understand; as it might be relaxing to unwind into the soul. Someday, I might again jot down a few notes and the blogging world just might help me reconcile the change!

Untitled!

2011-02-06T05:41:00.001+09:00

There are twisted spaces and there are thoughts galore! Images, imagination, reality, words all casting disconnected impressions. There are zones of black dangerously lurking around; showing up in random colours. Tame it, let it be or decipher the patterns. Win over or succumb, choices sometimes are never yours! Mystery, memory, desire and fixed ways; all emerge and converge in a whirl out here. You know I can never describe you in totality or even make sense if I say it in parts!

Of wanting and getting!

2011-02-06T05:10:00.000+09:00

There is always some joy when things happen the way you expect them to. There is a bigger joy if what happens is what you really really wanted as opposed to knew and did not want.

Sometimes I wish I could capture some moments. Like when one gets a reply to an sms they anticipated, or when a child finds a gift from Santa when it wakes up on Christmas day. Don't most of us in our minds create a plan based on anticipation or reactions we hope for? And optimism prevails in most lives! However, with this imagination comes disappointment too. But is it really possible to not expect or have any pre-conceived notions of our lives?

I am at a strange juncture of my life, where I want or desire things I cannot have, where I have given up on big things and look forward to very small things. Yet, I have not mastered the art of non-anticipation. I realized for all the science that I read, I am a believer in a larger power, I am believer of circumstance, destiny and magical connections. I have been disproved several times and yet I believe this is what adds to the charm of my life. I used to believe in what someone once taught me - If you really want something you will get it. If not you never wanted it enough. Maybe I have forgotten the art of wanting or maybe I need to get scientific again. Whatever it is, there is a lesson that needs to be learnt and I am stubborn about not wanting to learn it.

There is poetry I sent out to you.
There is a silence still, that I left out there!
There is a fragrance left to remind you.
There might even be chatter everywhere!

There is a glance that stemmed from my emotion;
There is a thought woven in that mist.
There is the said and the unsaid story!
There is a dash of lemon in that twist.

I look and find what I want so bad.
Though I mostly see it with closed eyes!
Sometimes I know I will never find,
What I was looking for in the dark night skies!

Time...

2011-02-04T04:13:00.000+09:00

Some times I find it hard to get past a few hours. Sometimes there is just so much to do! Despite the fact that time is ticking by and our experiences get summed up over its axis, I wonder if there is any other dimension that controls our lives as much? A lot of people find it hard to find time and yet I know some that are literally whiling it in my view. Though I claimed that I am unable to strike a balance with contradictions to my personality, I think I have in a lot of ways managed to strike a balance and mostly find time for things that I care about.

People, Music, Work, Experimenting with everything in life, Art, Fitness and myself!

I seldom find 24 hours too little and maybe it is because I do not value sleep as much. Or maybe it is because in everything I do, I try and find passion and joy! Some people tell me it is probably because I am a free bird not responsible for any other life or lives. But come on, aren't we all free or bound by our own making? Anyways, I am glad I have struck a balance, despite the corporate life that binds a lot of us and mostly it is also thanks to people around me that make this time killing a joy ride!

Unsaid and Unspoken

2011-02-04T03:52:00.001+09:00

She silently watched as he walked past. The glance implied something more. Almost magically they connected. Discovering the contours of their personalities. It is possible to fit into something that might be empty. But how does one fit around spaces of something and someone already full? There is excitement in the unknown, just as there is an unexplained desire to belong and be sure. Silences followed by spaces, intensity broken by distances and contours turning into zones started to all define something. They were fluid but is that enough? Do we either fit or not? They moved from unclaimed to defined, from hazy contours to boundaries, from feeling to knowing and from being to planning and yet they had so much more to discover. He walked past yet again, this time she watched and the glance did imply something. It meant they were connected, they knew and the possibly the knowing killed it all or possibly they yet fit into each others lives in more defined ways.

A quote comes to my mind just like that:

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
- Dorothy Nevil.

Similarly
"Relationships are about knowing as much as leaving spaces to be found or kept unknown!"

Of stationary microphones and Annual Days

2011-02-03T04:59:00.002+09:00

After long I got a chance to go watch an annual day celebration. Technology has taken over, economic boom is visible in the setup, but the performances remain cute as ever! I was just taken back into memory lane. I studied in a Kendriya Vidyalaya for a significant part of my life (And thank god for that). It really meant, I spent most Saturday's in what was then called - Co-Curricular Activities. These ranged from Debates, Skits, Extempore speeches, Singing, Instrumental, Reading, Poetry Reading and what not. It also meant that most of the week was spent either preparing or in anticipation of this day.

"Annual Day's" meant practice sessions for months. We were never blessed with fancy equipment, digital technology and dances always meant - Live play back singing! I remember working on costumes, stage setup, electrical fittings and even fixing instruments and making our own drum kit.

My first appearances on stage started in LKG. Where I was asked to deliver the "Vote of thanks" on our sports day. God I wonder now why we thanked the world in those speeches. I apparently delivered the speech confidently from behind a podium and was just not visible. Finally the teacher lifted me and put me on a table when people were clapping.

In my 2nd standard I participated in a puppet skit where, real kids pretended to be puppets and I was the lead protagonist called -"Dhanno Bai". I remember I was a nagging wife who kept asking her husband why he did not bring back fish after the long day at work!

Though I loved percussion, I ended up always playing the harmonium for group songs because I could sing and play and also we had a few other percussionists but no other harmonium player. However I always more than made up for it for all group dances where I ruled the bongos! A few popular numbers were:

"Resham Ka Rumaal- I sang and played"
A naga dance with all my friends dressed in leaves - "Humba ho Humba",
A bihu number:" Jigor Nouton Digon tolai" and more.

Every annual day had boring long speeches at the start, prize distribution ceremonies and then the fun events. There was always a grand finale every year and every year when I heard the applause I did wish, some day I could sit out there in the audience and watch. Watch how our timing was, how the play back sounded or how the lighting worked. Every year, the stage opened with a few hands pulling the curtains and the stage closed...there was energy, enthusiasm and a lot of hard work that came to light between the two. People forgot, performances went bad and yet every time the parents clapped.

Watching the toddlers perform was an amazing experience. Watching the super excited parents even more amusing. Some day I wish I can go back to teaching at school. Some day I wish I can go back to my school and just once more stand on that stage and leave my fears behind!

Striving to strike a balance

2011-02-02T04:02:00.000+09:00

I have been bothered by my inability to strike a balance! I wish I could just think less, ponder less, care less and be brutal at times. I have such random sides to myself that I sometimes wonder how one personality exists with all these dichotomies! I want to be blunt, but I end up being polite. I want to let go, I force myself to hold on. I want to give up and yet I work hard. I want to stay fit and yet I succumb to temptations! I want to be quiet and yet I speak! I wanted to just figure this out in my head and yet here I am writing a blog!

...

2011-01-31T09:02:00.002+09:00

Tired, Happy, Apprehensive and thinking sleep will hit me at some point in time.

Good morning to the world!

Insomnia is good afterall

2011-01-29T05:02:00.000+09:00

Long day, new city, tiring week and looking forward to a weekend to be spent with special people! The only words that come to my mind:

A flock of sheep that leisurely pass by
One after one; the sound of rain, and bees
Murmuring; the fall of rivers, winds and seas,
Smooth fields, white sheets of water, and pure sky -
I've thought of all by turns, and still I lie
Sleepless...
~William Wordsworth

I admit afterall!

2011-01-28T00:20:00.001+09:00

I admit I am intrigued!
I admit I am annoyed!
I admit I am lured!
I admit I am desperate!
I admit I am calm!
I admit I am restless!
I admit I do read a palm!

I love chases and chase I will! Till I know beyond doubt that it is an illusion or it never was!

Death and the dark sides of life

2011-01-28T00:14:00.001+09:00

Death I wonder, can never be easy especially for the ones left behind. Most people wish different kinds of deaths. Peaceful, painless, some after 100's of years and some just want something heroic. Have you ever wondered what people will remember you as? Will people remember you? Will folks care that you are not there anymore? Will it make any difference? If not? Why do we strive hard everyday? Is it for us? Is it for a perception we want to create about us? Is it because it is instinct and we as a race do not know otherwise?

Life always intrigues me. Lives and humans even more! I have always been easily lured by deep dark insights of our existence and the pointlessness of this ordeal. I might just be a soul, I might just be a composition of energy waiting to be converted to another form. I might just be elements waiting to get back to the universe. I might not even be true. I might just be a thought with imagination. I might be a creative character of another race. I might not be worth anything at all actually. But I realize I will never find answers or know the truth. But whatever I am, I am sure at this instance this is what I am driven by. I am driven to writing a blog right now. I am tired after a long day watching lives being controlled, destroyed and sometimes re-designed by destiny. I am reminded again about the human race and how pathetic or glorious we can be. How important we make ourselvevs to be, maybe it is because we are after all a large (over 6 billion) clan!

Ode to my drums!

2011-01-27T03:47:00.000+09:00

Today was an intense day. Somehow, I had only one thing that was constant - Music. I got to listen to 10 hours of play time almost. Listened to Classical, Jazz, Ghazals mostly. I got back tired and yet when I sat on my drums, I just felt alive and in another world. I mixed modes in the most bizzare ways, but I know there was some magic. For my wrists felt so lose and yet in control. My feet effortlessly joined along. It felt amazing and effortless today. After long!

My fingers just begin to sway...
Kathy's waltz was it?
Keys high and sometimes away
Faiz's poetry strung it?

I sat and felt compelled to beat
Swing on rocky torrents and rain!
Bongos tried to jazzy feats!
Malhars mixed with modern disdain!

Maybe its my angst at times,
Maybe its how I really feel
Maybe its peace that did chime
Maybe its its what makes me real!

You stand there I know like a rock, beaten and yet so musical!
You stand there like you silently know, what I never said but played on you!

Daub me! When colours be perfumes!

2011-01-24T04:38:00.001+09:00

My experiments with oil after 9th Grade

I have just too much going on in my mind. I watched a brilliant movie today - Dhobi Ghat. After long I actually felt that Indian cinema had arrived. I am a fan of abstraction and loved the abstract story which had no starting or ending and merely showed me reality which most of us hate because we want to define everything around. This was coupled with brilliant perspective and story telling. I mean some shots were just poetry! I could not have revealed feelings any better said some shots.

Loved the scene where "Amar" was filling up his drink with the rain water, or where the maid serves two distinct cups of tea portraying stature of some sort, saying so much and how shai picked the one that was not intended for her. The expression on Yasmins face in the last shot of the letter was just so heart wrenching. I loved the way Kiran Rao expressed! I save the review of this movie for another post, but this movie shook me up, taking me back to Mumbai, the rains, the maid pragya we had and the mindless rush through traffic on my scooter or in crowded locals. The kababs at bade miya and the discovery of a cafe "fiesta" a small little bakery in Malad. It reminded me of how much there was to take in that city just as I recall losing a lot of myself there too.

I got back and listened to some jazz music for a bit and suddenly was inspired to pull out my oil paints. Had a box of wood I had intended to junk away and decided to work my way with a broken brush, a frozen brush, knife and my fingers! I always knew if I ever painted, it would be abstract too just as the stories in my mind or life have been. It was the first time I experimented with colour. (I have tried black and white sketches a couple of times)! It does not matter how the painting turns out honestly. What matters is that the process is just so amazing, I was lost for an hour or more almost like all my thoughts came together and expressed themselves in each stroke. There is something in creating with your hands... the same gush you feel when you drum or play table tennis?? No! This felt different! I could see the variation in what came out as the evening went past. I could feel a part of me take shape in colours. I knew a zillion thoughts, shades, stories, people came into my mind when painting. Though nagging thoughts of boredom just walked out succumbing to focus and intensity! I loved my hour with the paint. I felt the wood, the wet colours stuck on and I could smell the turpentine all over and for once it felt almost like the fragrance of a new perfume. A perfume I know, I would daub on myself many a times in the coming days!

My Favs

2011-01-23T04:00:00.001+09:00

Anyone who knows me....knows the fact that I have the most bizarre and extreme tastes when it comes to music. I also tend to be super obsessed about a song for a phase of my life. I can listen to the same song endlessly on repeat mode for over a month. So I decided it is worthwhile to write down some of my fav songs and also figure out why I did like them when I did

My Top Songs for lyrics:

Tujhse Naraaz Nahin Zindagi : What a realistic song. It always reminds me of moments when I am angry about life but not really because I have no one to blame! Beautifully crafted and makes so much sense for the context of the movie
Dashte- Tanhai (Thanks Rads for it): What a piece of Poetry and sung so well by iqbal bano!
Hothon Se choo lo tum: Love and longing so beautifully expressed
Koi yeah kaise bataye ki woh tanha kyun hai: I mean sheer poetry!
Dil Cheez Kya Hai aap meri Jaan Lejiye: Is there a better way to express self renunciation?
Guncha koi tere naam kar diya: The voice, the situation and the moment just make this a charm
Save the best for last: I can relate to this at various moments of my life. Maybe my stories are so similar
Winner takes it all: Have I never felt like a loser?

Phases and Songs:

There are songs associated to phases, people and places in my life.

Tumse Yun Milenge: Literally reminds me of how I had never expected to meet someone randomly and bond over a song
All Compositions of Devdas/Dil Chahta hai/Chalte Chalte: My life in mumbai
Jaadu hai nasha hai: S's car, a bad theater in mumbai!
Peeloon: Dedicated to the mom and daughter in my life and several trips where people were subjected to it
Teri Justajoo: Aah the lunch and screeching in my car with 3 of us singing!
Crying (Don McLean): A certain someone who introduced me to most passions in my life
Piya tose naina lage re: The song I was famous for in school!
Resham Ka (Ila Arun): My sister who thought I sounded like her. The only time she ever complimented my skills in singing.
Reason (hoobstank): Chicago
Believe (Cher): My detriot trip
Take Five: Can always listen to it and drum along

The list is actually endless....

Songs and music always fill my life and I am known to like the crazy "Sadnaal karle party" type songs to Jazz to Indian and western classical. I know I am kicked and most happy with my iPOD when running, cycling, walking or just driving to work in my car! I always wondered, if I was to lose one of my senses which one would kill me...I am yet to figure who wins between my ears (For I love music), My sense of smell (I cannot not smell) or my speech! (it is so hard to not speak!). There are a thousand more which have not got a mention today. But someday I will compose a list of 100 fav songs! Someday I will!

Foggy Mists and Moony Nights

2011-01-22T20:49:00.001+09:00

Had been a crazy hectic week with loads of work, compulsive socializing and a pang to stay fit again!
Eventually Friday was here...After a nice social evening, got back and decided to burn out the vodka in a run. It was cold and yet I felt warm under the moon. My mind was just waiting to be lost in my pace and listening to music. As I paced up, I just had to stop. The moon looked beautiful! I continued to listen to my music and run along till A came down and we walked, talked and walked some more. She called it a day and I was energized. We left debating about my tastes in music, my fascinations and whatever else. Went up to her place and ended up listening to Carnatic Recitals, some new Hindustani ones and yet I am not a convert.

***Digressing
Was telling her a story about my fascination for Hindustani as opposed to Carnatic. When I was young, my harmonium teacher would teach us the notes and scales as per the Carnatic Style. One day I went up to him and said "I don't like this style, I want to learn Hindustani." He asked me - "Why" ? I remember replying -" Because I am hindu". Since then started my fascination for this genre over Carnatic. When I thought out aloud, I realized in general I think it is the overbearing mridangam kind of beats that dissuade me away from Carnatic. I love the tabla. Infact I think it is one of the most elegant of all percussion instruments. I love hindustani vocals over instrumental. I prefer fast paced raags and I guess I am yet to listen to something in the Carnatic camp that will have me lured. Or maybe I have to really wait for someone out there who will drive me to it!
**end of digression

Anyways chatted until late, came back and played on my tabla and forced myself to sleep. Set my alarm to 5 and woke up lazily and walked out to my balcony. It was extremely foggy, cold and beautiful! The sun was about to rise and all you could see was a glimpse of the moon fading by. Went back to sleep and woke up an hour later and cycled away. Saw some of the most beautiful places and wished my camera was alright. I wish I also had more time to just go on and explore some of the roads that lead outside of Bangalore. Came back ate at a bakery and finally went back to my gym only to be told that it is a bandh afterall.

Cycling is the best thing to have happened to me in the recent times. There is joy in the mornings and in finding trails and discovering beauty. I love the foggy mists and the moony nights.

Sense and Sensibility

2011-01-21T02:30:00.001+09:00

I was told I mostly do not make sense. I started my evening understanding the phrase "sense". A dictionary probably describes it as "sound practical intelligence, something reasonable"

I began to analyze my course of thoughts, speech and action and realized that they are indeed at times very dis-jointed. I realized there is another precursor to the whole thing -"ability to hear". So this is how I guess I function.

Hear something(aah the idea is seeded).
Process what you believed you heard (idea triggers context, starts to lead into other ideas)
think a zillion threads (story starts to weave in my head)
respond (continue to add dimensions to the story)
Act !(by now the idea has turned into a beast!)
The other end thinks ---> (does not make sense!!!)

So a lot of this has to do with how much you tame your mind from thinking. Assuming you cant control that, you end up needing to control your responses in which case. Imagination I tell you is a devious thing. But this thought process apart, I really do not use my imagination on a normal day around every normal thing happening around me. I probably use it when I need to. And yet so often I am told, I do not make sense!

Maybe here is what could happen

X: Do you have money on you?

Me: Heard it as - I need money (assumptions, bad ears whatever!)

Me Processing:
Why would someone need money and has bothered asking me?
Maybe X needs food, maybe X needs to pay someone who is standing right there,
Maybe X needs to buy new clothes, Maybe ..maybe maybe

Me responds: Do you need clothes??

X concludes: Does not make sense. All I wanted to know is if you have money to get back home yourself!

Me (action): Pull out my wallet and car to take X shopping!

Phew! Again this is a figment of my imagination. I am very sure I do not come across this ways on most serious occasions. I am also incapable of doing the above for trivial things!:-) But heck I am also told I am entertaining and most weird. I wonder why that does not sound like a compliment! All I know is that I am of course a fan of intellect and intelligent people. I would degenerate the day intelligent people cease to exist around me. However, there is a joy in being able to talk to folks at any level in the value chain, only because I cannot fill my life with silences at large. I do love fiction and run my imagination wild because I guess I was given a mind that is not still. I am just reminded of a quote I once read - Truth has to be strange. Fiction though should make sense! (or something like that).

My sensibility tells me, it is time to stop writing this post and I shall obey! I must not be making any sense I know.

12 Angry Men!

2011-01-20T04:14:00.000+09:00

**Spoiler Alert!! If you have not watched the movie, it might reveal parts of the story!

There are a few movies that one watches, watches again and yet desires to watch it some other time again.

This is a movie essentially about a jury trying to decide if a boy is guilty of murder or not. It is a movie that makes me realize how easy it is to pass judgment. The movie is shot in a single room for most parts, is not so much about motion as it is about character building. Directors always have a challenge in condensing an entire story into 120 minutes of screen time. They take years to write a script build a character in their head and yet in that short span they have to convey it all. Few people do a fabulous job of it and this is a movie where the director has managed to do it with amazing finesse!

The movie starts off with one jury member disagreeing at the outset only because he believes death should not be decided without dialogue. He is not convinced and tries to keep a conversation going. Over time individuals who come with their own baggages start to see facts and doubt. The movie moves on to showcasing how individuals change their perception, let go off their personal biases and change their points of view.

It is not important how the movie ends, really! What was important was to watch how most of us in majority choose to agree. Sometimes because it is easy, sometimes because we do not want to put much thought. Sometimes because we love to judge, sometimes because it feels better to be in a camp with more people by your side. Maybe the boy eventually did kill his dad or maybe he did not. 12 men could have put him up on slaughter or salvaged his life and given him a chance.

I came to realize that being a judge after all is not very easy just as it is never easy being a doctor. However law and facts can be twisted more than scientific facts and emotion. I am judgmental even though I try hard not to be. Every single time I know my judgement of people and situations is driven by that moment, my past or my experiences. I rarely judge merely based on facts. I am sure a jury is equally challenged as I am to let go off all these influences when calling the shots.

The hindi version of this movie - Ek Ruka Hua Faisla is also well made and has brilliant actors from the TV world. This movie is also a case study taught in B schools .

Why did I bring this movie up today? I appreciate good story telling, good stories and wish some day I can be less judgmental than I am. I have in the recent past met so many of my friends from a very long time ago. 14 years, 10 years, 6 years, few months. What has been interesting is to realize how not judging really makes it easy and difficult. After all you are left with a context from the past and yet people have evolved over time. People change, we change and so does our judgment!

Do watch these movies if you like drama and theater! They are really worth their time.

Realizations dawn at night!

2011-01-20T02:32:00.001+09:00

I have often known things that I don't understand. Those are the times I have a new found respect for the phrase - " Ignorance is bliss".
I have often believed in instincts more than facts! Those are times when I wonder why I even studied "science".
I have often run a few miles with no where to go. Those are times I have always appreciated "circles"
I have often had loads of thoughts and absolutely nothing to say. Those are times I realized why we were taught "writing, art and expressions!"
I have often done things I have not believed in. Those are times I have realized there is power in influence and maybe the earth has magnetic fields!
I have often found it so hard to kill 10 minutes of time. Those are times I understand why the Europeans probably invented the card game "Patience"
I have often dreamt of things and believed they were true. That is when I realize how magicians can indeed hypnotize!

I am not sure if there is really a point I am trying to make. But I know I always buy books I don't read and hope some day I have all the time in the world to just linger around my library and catch up with life! Stopping to add to it anything new and live upto all that I have gathered!

A strange silence I want to break

2011-01-19T02:12:00.004+09:00

There is a strange calm in being patient and silent amidst chaos and noise!

There is a silence I want to break! I glare into my computer waiting, typing with back spaces, looking, reading, re-reading, listening to the silence around me. Chat windows blink and I type in rhetoric, in boredom and then just ignore some. I am restless I know and yet so calm. People seem to function just fine, the day goes past like it always does, birds continue to fly, the moon plays peekaboo, all seems like it should be; and yet, there is something amiss! There is a strange silence I want to break!

What today has in store

2011-01-18T03:05:00.000+09:00

Interesting early day. Work, tick boxes, confessions and a feeling of accomplishment and an attempt to give up my vices! Missing my cousins a whole lot today. Missing the frequent trips to Indore and mindless chatter and laughter with cousins. There is a strange joy in meeting extended family that is as mad as you are, accepting of your craziness and basically amazing amounts of fun.

I still remember the long nights spent at Sarafa hogging all night, or the dumb charades played with crazy B grade movies. The dancing, singing and compulsive no sleep disorder syndrome we all suffer when put together. The fights where we drenched each other with buckets on perfectly laid beds, the stealing of daadis special aam paapdi after a lot of strategic planning! The mid night matke ki ice creams and how 17 of us fit into one maruti van looking for Paan in Bangalore. I guess I can go on and on, the list is endless. This is the first time in the last 3 years that I have not met them for such long times. I am guessing, a wedding needs to happen and I know who they shall point to. Thanks for being the craziest sets of cousins. I don't think you read my blogs but heck, you will know anyways!

Besides cousin nostalgia, its a strange day where I am not sleepy or hungry and bored to turn off the TV and go play my drums. Exercise and guilt beckons!

Aah! I am what I am!

2011-01-17T01:56:00.000+09:00

Easy weekend, lunches, work out and sleep!
Work, work some more work and grey cells put to weep!

Albeit, nostalgia did me some good and I have finally realized just exactly how I feel! For a change I don't want to change that because then it wont be mee!

As Audioslave says:

To be yourself is all that you can do

Don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright
You may win or lose

But to be yourself is all that you can do, yeah
To be yourself is all that you can do  

Watched a few movies too - 99, 12 Angry men (again), About Schmidt and a few more!

I read somewhere that apparently the stars are mis-aligned and we all now need to re-adjust our star signs! Maybe that is really what happened a month ago leading to all the confusion around the world. I feel like a passionate Scorp again! Maybe its all falling back in place!:-)

Travel music and a cluttered mind.

2011-01-06T03:22:00.001+09:00

I guess it has been a rather long day. However the last few days with instruments and access to them (courtesy the vacation) has got me addicted(almost). While the day started with 1 hour of drumming and forcing myself to get up and leave, I also realized just how much there is to see if you keep your eyes open. I had to get my pair of footwear fixed and was most intrigued by the folks I saw at a cobbler stand at 8.00 a.m. There were random people wanting to sit and read the telgu news paper. There was also an old man almost committed to the cause of the cobbler and was busy keeping all customers seated and at ease whilst the guy did his job. Only later I found out that he wasn't related to the guy but just someone who did not know how else to while away time. The engineering needed to fix a shoe made me want to go back to a workshop and really get down to fixing, cutting, welding and whatever else. There is so much joy in the sheer mechanics of physical craftsmanship! You work on an object and you see an end product!

I finally completed my pending list of daunting and most mundane tasks- Taxes, Claims and Bills ! I discovered when I filed my travel claims, I almost re-lived most moments of my trip. "Recalling" is a strange word and a strange phenomenon. It was in those moments that I realized that I had a lot going on in my mind. I was aware of a few effects and only today realized the cause. I seem to be oscillating between clear and unclear territories. Exciting and depressing times. I am doing things that I cant seem to understand and yet been in control of most parts of my day. It takes a few bills and "recalling" and quiet time to realize that maybe your mind can think clearly and unclearly at the same time. I have been in the moment and away so many times that I did not realize it this far. I am amazingly ambivalent at this phase of my life. I guess I have submitted my claims and that shall apparently settle the trip and clear my mind. Aah so easy apparently:-) if only the mind was so easy to please!

I did get back to my harmonium the last few days and its amazing how easily I can suddenly "recall" the lessons I learnt for a few months in my 2nd grade. I remember the Hindustani key notes, the fingers and the non-stop practice - mastering speed and precision. I also remember how the teacher left and my lessons came to a stop. I finally never found a Hindustani harmonium teacher again. I had a book of harmonium lessons stacked in my stash of books. I realized I have come so far and yet have to go back to where it all began. I can of course re-play the lessons in 5 mins now as opposed to 5 days of practice years ago. I can read a lot faster and move my fingers at a much faster pace. All the years of moving my fingers on keyboards of different sorts has made it easier. All the "no years" of learning has taken me back to learning from that book today. I started to read and learn about Hindustani classical music last night till late hours. Played the harmonium even to try out a few things at random hours of the night, thought about it through the day and finally got back home and been playing on my Harmonium for whatever part of the day is left.

Every one has a few favorites and mine for today during this late hour is "Raag Darbari Kanada". Listening to this

recording just made me imagine an empty palace with a large courtyard and a broken man sitting in the midst, below the moon surrounded by a cold structure of white marble. Suppressed and yet wanting to let go and then he almost gets into a trance singing and wakes up in a dream at the end of it. I guess my imagination has always been an overkill but I guess this is what came to my mind. It possibly a reflection of my state of mind or maybe my madness!

I also know that imagination is a good escape from reality. Reality is only perception! My perceptions sees:

Jet planes, mid night jogs;
Mirco breweries, early morning fogs.
An endless wait; a constant need!
Garden breakfasts and planting seeds.
An empty airport a sleepless mind!
Perfumes so many and yet just one of a kind!
Excitement, Rush, Desire Afar;
Long conversations driving in a car.
I can go on about reflections I see
I guess that was also just mee!

The first conscious day into 2011

2011-01-04T01:48:00.003+09:00

Today seems like my first conscious normal routine day into 2011 and lots has happened and not happened.

It is one of those drum easily days. I tried a lot of new stuff and innovation and it worked and sounded good. I also did not miss too much on timing. I guess familiar songs help since one just knows when to be innovative. Also complete focus was so easy today. It felt like I could have attempted more complex stuff today.
It is also a day when I have decided for good or for bad to just completely lose control and let go. I also decided that life is really better lived in the moment than in anticipation or memory. Not a new lesson, but strange how every time it feels like a new realization :-) Probably because closure is often what keeps most of us on hold most of the times. However, one possible way of closure is to accept it without knowing why.
I did not get out of my lazy routine and take charge of so many things on my mundane list. I do somehow have the intent to do that tomorrow. Bills, Taxes, Travel Claims and Pending Chores from ever!!! Sigh Sigh Sigh
In some strange ways I don't seem to want social interaction in abundance and feel extremely content locked up or not meeting people. It is one of those phases where excessive socializing can cause stress:-d leading to seclusion.
I seem to be hooked to facebook and the internet world of publishing information about myself. How strange is that. From being a critic to a contributor I have come a long way!
I look out of my french windows and for the first time it is not the sky but the land far away that I look at. Strange things happen and maybe the sky is for a dreamer and the land for a more practical person.
I decided to start a blog about the gadgets that I own. Trying to give back to the world, tips I looked for when I bough the stuff.

Whatever it is, I think the world of IT looks very lit up with small windows glittering with lights. Possibly folks sitting on computers still working in what looks like the office of a large software company in the tech park. There is a certain element of culture this mix has brought in which scares me. It scares me that all that was Bangalore, will be lost to the weekend mall folks, the compulsive spa couples or the bihari cooks that inhabit the space. But heck people call it Bengaluru anyways.

Sorry for the digression but I am never known to start and end things in the same way am I?

Another year gone by! - 2010

2011-01-01T01:22:00.002+09:00

Every time around this time of the year, I get into a cocoon of sorts. I wish I can just snuggle in a corner, be with myself and think, feel, write and say nothing. Years, days and life is about the following and my summary goes:

People, faces and corridor clashes!

This year was special because of people. I met a whole lot of friends, special connections, random strangers and my past circle. It was amazing to re-bond with my best friend from childhood and realize how special some bonds really are. My leisurely meetings with my best friends made me ponder about moving to the US as it felt like home and I was reminded again about the importance of having people you can talk to or say nothing to around you. I also realized Cancerians are comfort zone for me. I did have the best Sulaimani teas and diwali celebrations with the special cancerians in my life. I also realized my day is incomplete without the sun rising and shining. I always do love the "dhoop chaanv" it plays with me but heck it is a part of my day. The end of the year was so so full of connections from my past - Schools, Colleges, Randomness, Infatuations, Foes all coming together taking me back in time and re-looking at every one in a complete new way.

The year was about kids in a large way. I so love all of the kids I have baby sat, played with, even fought with or taught drumming to. I cannot imagine how life would really be without these wonders. And then of course there is family, extended family (which I saw lesser of), friends who are family and family friends.

There are other bonds I shared, undefined, short lived, exciting. All amazing, fitting into my spaces and not crowding my head. I learnt to appreciate the moon just as I learnt to live in darkness. However, the most special thing about this year really was not how much I held onto, but really- How much I let go off!

Airplanes, Places and Casinos!

Places always play a significant part of my year given the amount I travel. However the places that I made a bond with for different reasons are:Chicago, Bay Area, Dilli, White Field , Portland, and my apartment:-d I do seek to travel again this year, hopefully not for work but for pleasure or both. Benaras, Mumbai and a few other places are on my list for sure.

Aah and then the daily rut!

The highlight of the year was that I did actually lose a lot of weight without a resolution at the start of the year. There are activities I got back to or started anew - Running, Cycling, Swimming, Fitness! Green tea, Music, Movies! I also lost sight of a few things like - Play watching and reading. I really wish, I read more and watched all the plays that did come by. Adventure, socializing, Cultural activities at home and watching a music concert of someone I know was the essence of my year in terms of events! I did feature on Page 3 and partied a lot lot more this year.

The material world!

This year I bought a lot of my musical instruments (Drums, Keyboard, Tabla, Dholak etc etc), gadgets such as the iPAD. I upgraded my apartment marginally with some art work. I also wish I had fixed my camera and taken many more pictures at times on my adventure trails. I also bought a bicylce and intend to buy a new car. I guess the highlight though was the perfume purchase which taught me how money can actually buy happiness in a desolate airport on a lonely birthday. I also plan on buying the Calvin and ACK (Amar Chitra Katha) collection amongst many other things in the coming year.

Blink Blink!

And finally the year is always about the thinking, feeling and blanks that make it all work in your head and heart. I am glad I had long debates and days of silences and blanks. But mostly I know I have learnt a few things, I am content and I am fitter this year! Of course I am never completely happy about the time that has gone by. But again life is never perfect and we have to find our way of being passionate and driven every day of our life - Be it for money, a song on the iPOD or a glimpse of someone. I do find my drive - every day or at least on most days.

New lessons:

Being concise is a good thing. People dont value your thoughts much otherwise.
If you really really want something it will happen. At its own pace, in its own way, but it does happen.
Being patient is frustrating but rewarding!
All people you invest in, do end up finding a way into your life. Its always a question of time and letting them be and accepting.
It helps to assume people change over time and life never starts from the same point when you meet people after ages.
Music in the 80's and 90's rocked.
I am a people person after all:-) Sometimes the people are silences and spaces.
I am not looking for anything in particular, really!
I have learned to be far more accepting this year of things and people.

I am glad for a year has gone by and I have not struggled to pen down what it was about, though words are never enough. I do wish all of you a lovely year ahead. I do sign off with the hope that I do not bore any more people with such boring posts this year around.

And then it dawned!

2010-12-14T04:53:00.005+09:00

I looked at those sinful eyes!
I knew it was not them but me that wanted to be led.
There is a charm in seeing you tease.
Just as there is beauty in how you can lose yourself
I have never seen anyone be "one" as you did with your love
That moment made me empty and complete
It was that moment that hit me!
Alluding to what possibilities exist
I knew then, what I was missing all this while!

Of longing and life!

2010-12-14T04:40:00.004+09:00

Longing they say rouses desire
Owning the art of possession.
Dreaming creates realities you long for.
Knowing always leads to doubt!

It is not enough to long or own
Dream or know!
It is "dealing with" that after all defines
One life from another.

I guess I ramble on with each day. Something that struck my mind today is a quote I read:

Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Laws of attraction? Or rules of faith!

2010-12-01T02:54:00.003+09:00

Rules they say are rules. When a bunch of intellectuals delve deep into them, contemplate and after years of analysis ratify a rule, it might just turn into law. Someone told me, we are a society which needs a construct, a boundary to actually co-exist. So in some ways the construct and the boundary are imposing on our choices. So are we existing within a bunch of rules or do we just live in the confines of law? In someways it is an anti-thesis of freedom. Somehow the world and statistics seem to rule our lives. Majority individuals agree to one way and that becomes a norm, slowly it becomes an unwritten rule and soon it will become law. Can I be different from the rest of the world? Yes apparently, only if there is no law that I cant be different. I wonder if Buddhism started against law or if Nirvana was a way of accepting laws without question or conforming without question because after all one would be outside of that sphere of influence in their minds at least!

Anyways all I know is that I am glad law makers are not breaking their heads right now about how many blogs I can or cannot type today or actually determining when is a good time to get home. Though they have made it harder for most of us to stay out later in the night. I know law in Mumbai of some sort said people cant hold hands and sit on Marine drive. Was that a rule or a law or just the policeman's point of view I wonder. For now, I know that law or otherwise, I stand for freewill, a free mind and freedom. Of course the assumption I make is that freedom of self does not deter freedom of another. The biggest flaw of my theory I guess. I did break a law today and jumped a red signal. But I also did not rule out the possibility of being fined for it. I did tell myself I shall not do so again! Sometimes one can stand for the right and be left behind! Or one might leave and just be right about it. I am not a quitter or an abider or a law breaker. I am just figuring out with each day, how life should be led and my life this far makes me head towards my next choice or next idea in my head about how my day should be. For all those of you who make laws and rules, I think its a lot of hardwork! Do work hard, whilst I hope to catch some sleep.

Passion not fashion!

2010-11-24T04:31:00.003+09:00

Is passion a good thing? I always wondered. It drains a lot of thought, seeks a lot of focus and most importantly just makes stuff mean a whole lot. Some people get past life without intensity. They are the ones who can re-adjust, re-focus, change and possibly cope with life better. The intense ones always seek a lot more, finding it harder to let go and adapt to change. The experience! some might argue is what life is about. But at the end of it- sometimes I wonder, is it really? I mean what if life was finally an end result and some get exactly there with less work?

All of this comes to my mind because maybe today I am at crossroads between passion and passion (really) again! I wonder if it is time I even give myself another choice or do I just succumb and accept this is me! Though I know, I can let go, I know I can move on, but the moment is what does it for me! It has to be true, complete and passionate! So is there really hope for me or will I need an energy drink at the end of life for how tiring it might have been?

Dark Temptations

2010-11-24T03:11:00.005+09:00

Chocolates they say are best dark!
Sometimes minty!
Wrapped like temptation,
Waiting to lure...

There you are sitting at the cafe
Reading a book, texting, sipping on coffee
Wondering? Maybe about why iguanas are they way they are!
Or contemplating how the next hour would go past.

The dark temptation catches your eye
Wondering if it would pine and lie covered.
Or will it today unwrap and melt to be one with you!
You look, wink, reach out and seem distracted and text again!

The feeling of being held is amazing
The wait daunting.
Pressed to reply, you put it down.
Slowly you start to unwrap the indulgence.

You nibble, savor, continue to seek the music
It takes a moment to revel the taste
It takes a moment for it to begin to melt
You read, look at your phone and just continue to wonder

Over many such wraps and unwraps, you get to the last bite
The delight knows not, how many expressions you displayed!
The last of it is left wondering..."Did you love it?
Now that I am one with you, I wonder....

Would you be tempted if it was just me?
Or would it take a book, the cafe, the music,
the romance, the texts, the iguanas
To all come together and get me to melt in you?"

Oh well temptation will never know and the tempted will savor the chocolate as dark as it may seem!

When flights are long

2010-11-22T03:41:00.001+09:00

Its a long journey....
My fingers are crossed:-d
My mind half shut!
Eyes blind but open.

I play my music to shut me off.
And yet time inches slowly...
Is this about faith or learning to let go?
I know i have to wait and then i ll know.

This time it seemed the door did not shut
Before i arrived,
I believe! And yet skeptical I am
Willing to be lured by surprises and unmoved by destiny.

Have you ever felt like life can be paused, the world can go by.
Or you can run and the world stands still. And yet it would not make a difference.
That is when like Buddha says: "Maybe we come to terms with the fact that we are alone after all; and the world a trajectory for several individual trespassers"

When one travels 10000 miles!

2010-11-18T16:39:00.007+09:00

Today has been a strange day. I have not had much to do or had the excitement to make the most of the last day in this almost second home called the "Bay Area". Every time I do get on a plane to come to the US. I am super excited because I do get to see and meet most of my strongest connections in life. All my friends from ever and all known paths to traverse. However almost every time, I wait to get on that plane and get back. I guess I have in my mind figured out what is "home". There is something more compelling back here that wants me to go return. Is it the calm of my apartment? Is it the drive to work? Is it the music room that awaits when I get back from work? Is it my fishes? Or really is it the long tea breaks at work? The sunshine that I seek every morning? Or the moon that I guess I will begin to look out for every night? I don't know what it is but who cares! I had a very fulfilling trip and felt like I met the most important people that I cared for and in ways that made me happy. Thanks A, S and T for the lovely time I had in the bay. I thank all the babies who just made the trip worthwhile and also made me realize that I am ready or maybe not for motherhood! I feel very blessed for finding home so many miles away and for having the most wonderful friends who make life seem so worth it. Will miss you guys a lot more than I say I will. Yes! Yes! Even though I might want to board that plane. I know when I land I will miss those conversations, those bitching sessions, the coffee or tea rounds and the randomness. I will, I know always be told, I have the most weird set of friends. Well what else do you expect from a weirdo such as me!

Tagged about 20 before 40!

2010-11-17T13:50:00.002+09:00

Tagging is the most horrendous way people can demonstrate their friendship. Tagging people on notes, acceptable. Tagging people in random event invites, acceptable. Tagging ugly boring photographs of yours from yester years!!?? Like hello! Just not done! However tagging people and nagging them to blog is kinda bearable.

So here I am tagged to write 20 things I would want to do before I am 40. I mean for gods sakes, I can't really imagine that I am talking 40 already!! Yikes!!

So here goes

001: Invent a device that prevents aging!
002: Buy an SUV and drive across the country in it
003: Learn DJ'ing and perform in a night club
004: Drum, drum and drum!
005: Break free from my job and do my own thing
006: Spend a few months in Paris
007: Fall insanely in love and not worry about how it will turn out! (Phew I have been doing that all my life) Maybe its time to change the pattern!
008: Get a tattoo!
009: Lose just a lil more weight and run a marathon
010: Direct a movie or a play!
011: Meet SRK!:-d
012: Take a trip to Mumbai with a friend of mine!:-p Friend are you listening??
013: Visit a lot of my fav places with interesting company - Greece, Egypt, Rome even!
014: Go learn the local African drums in Kenya
015: Build a large natural aquarium
016: Listen to some amazing musical concerts around the world
017: Write my book
018: Buy myself the entire Calvin & Hobbes collection
019: Open a perfume factory
020: Spend a whole lot of crazy time with interesting, diverse sets of people and just have a great time in life!

I guess none of these 20 might get ticked off...so adding one more:

Follow this blog up with a few more!

My random mind!

2010-11-16T17:32:00.001+09:00

For the first time I wonder,
For the first time I care!
For the first time it matters,
For the fist time I wish or not to dare!

Will the picture emerge like that dream?
Will the eyes really be lost and willing to sink?
Will I get a chance, will I give myself?
Will I get back that retort to my wink?

I have become a moon watcher again
I have become a poet so random too
I have stopped looking for anything else around
I have become a stalker true!

Beyond and against what is right
Beyond and against what I am lead to be
Beyond and against not going down the road
Beyond and against what the world wants me to see!

Watching my way to glory!

2010-10-24T23:25:00.002+09:00

Been a while, but more than writing I guess my weekends have been busy pursuing other boring pursuits. Playing the key board, bongos and watching a lot of movies and TV shows being some.

Hooked to " That 70's show"
Continuing to be desperate about "Desperate Housewives"
Caught up on:

Annie Hall: Made me realize how much I love Woodey Allen and his sense of humor
12 monkeys: An interesting but not very intriguing movie
Dabang: Aargh!
Anjaana Anjaani: Twice at that
Udaan: Just love this movie, made me feel for a movie after a very very long time

Few more, but can't recall.

I am sure when I look back in time, this would be one of those forced posts I got myself to write because I just felt like I owed it to my blog! Maybe I am outta ideas or maybe I am just forgetting my spellings. Whatever it is, I am happy that my blog would understand!

Together we are blind!

2010-07-21T04:22:00.002+09:00

I started my day early, got a parking slot right in the front. Happy and smiley I was. After a long and tiring day I eventually get to my car and my foot finds its way straight into something. It was dark, I could barely see but..I could smell. I then turn on the flash light and see that my car has human poop all around. I was angry, bugged and just exasperated. Like which human poops around cars? Why do I work in an office where I cannot park my car in peace. Either I get scratches on my car or I am surrounded in the most hygienic of disinfectants. I see myself swearing at those souls that did this. Bugged, I drive back home just furious. I come home to a 3 bed roomed house with 3 washrooms, clean my shoes and continue to be angry. When the splash of water hits my feet, reality strikes me. A reality that I live in a country where more than 40% people do not have a house to live in, a bathroom to shelter their most private moments, a piece of cloth to protect themselves from the stormy rain or a meal to get them past a long laborious day. As a country we have been grappling with poverty, population for decades now. It angers me to see we have failed as a country, we have failed as citizens to do anything about this. I realize I am not angry with the poop, but with a nation that is actually full of folks who just learn to take shit, go back home drive in a luxurious car and cleanse their feet, wake up next morning ignoring the drudgery outside. I dont blame you reader, I dont blame anyone in particular, I just blame the community we form together, the nation that is us, the vision we all see putting our blind eyes together!

Remind me!

2010-07-19T02:21:00.004+09:00

I am trying to remember.
What was I like before I made a few choices?
Did I chat long hours in silence or had some random stories to say?
If I did run impulsively across cities to catch a few fleeting moments?
If I had a picture of sunshine, frogs and hoped to catch a glimpse of that reflection up the hill?
If I found laughter in the most trivial of jokes and moments?
If I did think of a flaming in Mumbai that I would talk to and set free someday.
If I thought I would make a lot of smiles seem worthwhile and hold back tears for a good reason?
I am just trying to remember and thought maybe you might help.
Because I think the shadow that I left behind is closer to you than to me!

A Mind Game

2010-07-05T23:26:00.003+09:00

Click, scroll, ping, poke (aaha!)
Hug, kiss, text, ring (:x)
Fleeting glance, whisking touch (...)
Poetry, jokes, songs (blah!)
Sensual dance, cryptic clues (hmm..)
Alcohol, sedation, burnt finger (ouch!)
Numb feet, Hair or Fair (?)
Mind Games afterall live on..Much beyond we do!

Letting Go

2010-07-05T23:04:00.002+09:00

I guess I started my evening with a wrecked back and wondered why everyday turns out so different from what I plan it to be. I am not the sorts who ever complains about life, but I guess one just finds a reason to behave otherwise. At times I live with ghosts of the past casting over dreams of a future. I often lose myself trying to understand who I really am. What I discover scares me like when I put my hand into an old box and find a dead rat or something.

"We could drift together, and find our ways, if we did end up besides each other, maybe we were meant to be". Thoughts, instances gushing through my head. Maybe it is time I pick up the pen and write that story after all. When I looked back and thought about my take on relationships, I realized I so totally believed in destiny. I so believed in letting be, I so believe in something out there driving every conversation, every smile, every stare, every kiss. Why then do I still look at being true to my moment and going all out to get what I desire if I do desire it. Not by asking but by being, hoping and waiting to be desired just the same. Hoping one desire is destined with another. I do remember a few moments of beauty woven by destiny and I do remember how it felt when the flame from the match burned out just before the moment did. I remember feeling that gush, desiring that one moment, fighting against all that can be for it...yet knowing maybe I will see you and you wont look back or notice. It does not matter what matters to you, what does matter is if I am true to what matters to me. I am sure one fine day I will be cynical of the drifting feathers wading their way through life. I will maybe come back to Sydney and like it. I will get a chance to actually go ask what I want or stand up and scream at the end of the cliff, letting go of my utopic belief in open spaces or in black skies!

Bound to run, oh freewill

2010-06-29T03:11:00.002+09:00

Am I living in an illusion or does life just teach us new realities everyday ? I always thought we could get by life with a few constructs binding us. "bind" the very word that defies freedom. However the minute we wrap our lives with interactions, people, relationships, somewhere we just throw the freewill outside the window. I have known that predicting, knowing, wanting, desire are all strong characteristics that define an individual but also takes away that freewill somewhere.

And yet I am unable to figure where I stand, closer to freewill or to people? Or do I border around schizophrenia that I fight everyday? I guess it is ok to sometimes lose yourself to freedom just as amazing it is to bind to love. However each moment is by itself bound to destiny....and it is destiny that eventually I am sinking into or running from.

Look, a thousand tangled paths in that sea!

2010-06-22T02:01:00.012+09:00

I hated walking as a child. Gimme some wheels and I would be most happy. My parents got to believe they have given birth to the worlds laziest child who graduated from parents arms straight to prams, bicycles, bikes, scooters, scooties and then to a car! However, I have realized that what I loved the most was really to discover. To find trails, paths that seemed less treaded but were heading somewhere. To look for treasures, secrets, meaning and reflections of some story in natures puzzle that was scattered all over.

I remember the one time I discovered a well, with a broken wall, in the middle of acres of arid land. I looked inside and saw a snake and thought that the snake was guarding it all these years. I once hit upon at least 20 identical 4 walled stone houses completely haunted a few miles beyond humanity. I hid there all day waiting for the smugglers to show up.

I feel a quaint rush of happiness, almost every time I spot a tree, a bird a church , a pond or just some beauty that nature has created somewhere. I believe every road is connected to every other.We just need to traverse the possibilities. After years, of driving I got myself a bicycle and found myself drawn again to exploring newer trails. Only this time I believe I had a clouded mind and polluted roads to break away from with my iPod. Nothing else had changed, if we really look there are small hidden nooks all around hiding something our mind otherwise misses to notice. I have traversed the same path several times and yet found myself discovering something new every single time. I don't know if life really has a purpose or if exploring is a means or an end. However, I do believe that Bangalore is a lovely city, step out and explore a little bit and you will find remnants of Goa, Rajashthan, The Grand Canyons and Europe in it. I have found a key, I will I guess look for the lock someday. Until then

"Cycle par sawaar, fiza mai mashgool, sunna hai us shor ko.
Jo chupke se kanon ma garaj ke, kuch dikha jaata hai mere aks ko..."

Capture my mind, Can I?

2010-06-22T01:25:00.003+09:00

Some random thoughts running right now.

Just because so many paths exist, do we have to find em?
Is stillness really this boring?
Is history really about the past or just discovering something old and finding your own story in it?
Is a memory more real or the moment? I believe I have memories of moments that never existed.
Music and silence are both so beautiful. I wonder when I shall find my peace with noise?
I believe I talk more now, however to myself and I have learnt to be content with it.
I believe a movie is as good as the audience. I seem to delve in to each scene not looking at the story but at the piece of work for that moment and if that strikes me, I think the shot was worth it.
Is home a collection of rooms or a collection of my routine?
Will I be able to break away my monotony of thoughts and transcend them into blogs!?

Back to traveling and in Portland

2010-03-13T19:26:00.004+09:00

Finally back on the plane and hit Portland a few days ago. A 34 hour flight, 5 movies and a book! Was quite a flight.

Portalnd is a nice quaint city and it rains like its the only way one expresses feelings. I am off to meet up N my best pal from college and I am "quite the" excited as she would have put it.

Up in the air, Paranormal activity, Shakti, Le Herisson are few of the movies I watched. I am trying hard to get to sleep but luck does not shine.

Waiting to hit the road and watch some more crazy movies maybe. Until then take care.

Stillness and change

2009-12-30T17:09:00.001+09:00

White like a drop of dew on grass, seeming like a satin cloth.
That just let itself drift away in the wind
You might lie there for sand to blanket you
Or just drift again into newer shores
Whichever ways something will change..
Could be the whiteness, or the shape.
The fragrance or the feel
Or if nothing really, the stillness in changing times

Of Bars and Himalayas

2009-12-30T06:10:00.004+09:00

They say that bang at the stroke of midnight come either devious thoughts or obvious thoughts. I wonder why my mind wandered about a dream I recently had. A bar - everyone happy, dancing, merry, stoned, unstrung almost like everyone belonged there and didnt belong anywhere at the same time. The music played a mix of retro, rock, jazz and African classical beats. There was a character to this bar, almost like every corner was a different person, a different place. It was a place however intending to liberate and free most of us to no where.

The host, seemed to know exactly what a seeking me would seek on a Saturday night just as well as she knew what the painter would want to drink after working on a landscape he was struggling to create for a while now. All came together urging me to lose myself in the joy and illusions only to head back to the Himalayas for an ablution from a sinful evening. (Was it?) or to understand why rivers actually did flow downwards (gravity cannot be the answer to the world, its a stale theory). As the clock struck 1, thoughts just resigned and went back to sleep, leaving me wide awake.

I remember waking up feeling cold like on the Himalayas and high like after a hangover and mostly wanting to say good morning to the lovely host.

Imagination

2009-12-30T06:08:00.000+09:00

I hit on search with an empty string
wishing fate just throws something at me
anything, a line a whine or a song

I land an interesting picture
that of a placid lake, a snow clad mountain
a complacent face, a cup with brewing tea

I figured its not a picture
but my imagination afterall

Visually stimulating - Movie weekend

2009-12-28T15:24:00.006+09:00

After very very long, I have had the chance to just do nothing over the weekend, watch movies, read books and listen to some fabulous music. Not going into the philosophical dimensions of the effect this has had on me, let me start by recounting what I read and watched

Reluctant Fundamentalist:

Gripping read, finished it in 6 straight hours. I could relate to the character in several parts. Seemed more real than most similar books. The books about a Pakistani boy who aspired to have a fabulous career in the US, studies in Princeton, gets a dream job, falls in love and is yet seemingly shallow and empty in this land. The 26/11 changes his perspective and gets him to realize that he is constantly torn between his origin and the new camouflaged person he has become. He is torn for an identity. What adds to this, is that the only way he gets love momentarily is by becoming someone else. The narrative is strong, and the story telling is unique. It almost seems like the white tiger has kind of adopted this style of story telling.

The double life of Veronique:
What should I say, fabulous french movie. The more I watch, the more I seem to be in love with Krzysztof Kieslowski. This movie is a piece of art which you can watch over and over again and discover something new. The cinematography and music just add to its charm and give it a character so unique. You learn that you don't always need to say much to convey. As i rewind on scenes, I see how well subtle small things craft the striking similarity between two completely unrelated souls. There is a scene where you can see a cup with a tea bag- a beautiful shot! I would like it for each of you to just watch and experience the movie. No two experiences of watching the movie will be the same.
Cet obscur objet du désir:
Another fabulous movie by Luis Buñuel. One of the best movies when it comes to cast and story line which is obscure and yet well told. The movie keeps you gripped and one is still left wondering what might be even after the movie is over. Again a very fine use of backdrops to convey a message. Not an easy movie to understand, and not easy characters either. However this had me refreshed and in awe of the performance. The story is about a man in his figment of imagination interacting with a character, who plays two roles depending on the kind of interaction he chooses to have. The movie beautifully displays all emotions, love, teasing, war, anger, pain wonderfully.

In the mood for love:

Another fine piece of art, a little slow but amazing photography. The sets take you into almost real 1960's of HK. The struggle of how not to be what you despise is interestingly crafted. The music and the sets are really the best part of the movie.

3 idiots:

Okish watch, though got stretched and draggy. It seemed like another 5 point someone and evoked a similar reaction. Refreshing but not note worthy.

I guess this was a small subset of all that I did over the weekend. Hopefully these kind of times come by more often.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-21T02:33:00.003+09:00

Off on another trip far east. HK again. Its cold December, end of the year nearly but still the end seems so far. I wonder how the year just went by. I wonder if I changed or undid myself or moved on. I guess for now I am glad I have no time to spend thinking. I have a plane to catch and sleep to catch up with as well. For those of you who do read the blog, a merry Christmas and a Happy New Year (rather year end)

Evolution?

2009-12-17T01:56:00.002+09:00

We all work so hard and then destroy. Evolution is it? Solace is that at least this time its probably a better clone!

empty and hollow?

2009-12-06T05:33:00.001+09:00

Emptiness and hollow! Couldn't one survive without the other?
Can I not survive without me?

What is it that I seek

2009-11-19T10:33:00.002+09:00

Its been maddening days with travel, work, weddings and a lot more happening at a pace that does not let me even experience it in totality. I am sure I will pause one of these days and look back and be surprised at how much has happened and how time has gone by. I am sure I will be left echoing to myself the constant question about what is it that I seek. Why is there this constant urge to pace through life and yet stand still trying to find answers.

I am in Hongkong and hope I can take some time off and explore the city. Met cousins after long time and painted the roads of Indore red. I enjoyed my second class travel, meeting people from Madhya Pradesh who I think have no characteristic feature distinguishing them when you look at them. They are best at merging. I met agriculture and seed sales men listening to Altaaf Raja like songs going on a weekend team outing to Delhi which seemed to be their high point. I was able to get off a station and have Poha and Jalebi sweetened like it was influenced from Gujrat. I heard Malwiya which cannot sound good unless you chewing on paan. I sipped on juice made of "paan" and met a girl from Chattisgarh who spends 6 months in Japan and yet was just how she was in Chattisgarh. These people I met had a strong character, a personality so distinct and yet so familiar and ordinary. Each one had an ambition and each one had to deal with reality which is so much more easier to feel than the ones I keep in my mind. Their reality was about experience and mine about thoughts.I have had so many experiences, conversations, observations and realized my heart is still not in fancy restaurants or meeting rooms. It is really here amidst noise, people and the raw. I wish to experience more and I guess for now at least that is what I seek.

Two perfect strangers

2009-11-01T04:28:00.003+09:00

Two perfect strangers, glare into each others eyes. Watch and see what they want to see. They delve deep, knowing there is no escape, explore as dangerously as they can. Sipping coffee in cafes, making excuses to move into each others spaces. Conversing like the world ceases to exist, waiting for it to rain, holding hands again. Impatiently looking at the watch late at night; waiting for the next day to come. Waiting to dress up in red or brown. Smiling at the world observing flowers and the starlit night. Holding each other tight, making love like crazy, kissing gently, slowing down to sink in that fragrance.
Two perfect strangers, glare into each others eyes with nothing really to say. They are as they were, strangers! This time knowing that's how they know each other best.

Passing by that street

2009-11-01T04:14:00.002+09:00

I have traversed a zillion streets in my life time. Yet every street has a unique memory etched in my mind. Streets, your mode of transport and the music you play when you pass by, just set a context, a memory in your mind. All streets have a culture, so unique that it can only be experienced. Often who you cross that road with plays a role. Sometimes its just the thoughts and emotions you carry.

I drove past all places that looked so familiar and yet so out of context. Its funny, there are streets I have gone past a zillion times and yet never noticed that little flower that has always been looking out into my face. Billboards have changed, jungles are turned into black serpents that crawl across the city. Small houses have become large gigantic card like structures, space has become scarce. The smell from the air has changed and so has the perfume in my car. I pulled down the windows hoping to feel the raw! My nose struggled, maybe my eyes were just not supportive. In that moment of struggle I felt like a stranger today.I felt like it wasn't the roads but maybe "me" who has changed! The music continued to play, cars continued to honk, and I just sat there numb echoing - " Tumse yun milenge, humne socha na tha....aur yeah zindagi!"

Of words and life

2009-10-25T05:47:00.005+09:00

Humans are so complicated.

People constantly struggle and find a purpose to life. Some create this animated life for themselves, full of exaggeration. Some underplay it so much that you wonder if they are already dead. No matter which ways they try and get past, they always have friends, foes, family and loneliness. Love? Well it is inexplicably the reason for existence. Life can be simple, desire screws it up. I don't know which pattern defines me but I think if i could master the art of realizing that I have nothing to lose, I will win!Only to find win is not the soul I amlooking for.

Someone asked me what is love....and for the first time in my life I could not describe it. It was disturbing since I have spent pages all my life writing about it, endless hours talking about it and most of my life feeling it. Something has changed and I have realized I was betting my life on the wrong word all this while. The secret my friend, is not to bet on a word but chase all those words that after all are words too. My vocabulary of words and people has always been limited. Life is a cynic and me an optimist. I move into the night really wanting something, hopelessly knowing it will never come by. I already dislike this post and yet lazy I am, to delete it after all. Its just easy to click on "post"!

square frames

2009-10-25T05:34:00.002+09:00

Whats with square frames that open out into the wilderness? I am sitting gazing at the sky feeling like I just discovered something. Smirking and talking to myself. Figured that life is after all a chase. Its always about making a choice and taking a stand. Not taking one is again a stand and choosing not to choose is a choice too. I wonder what makes me tick each day, though I know there is nothing I look forward to, I know I have to make a choice. I believe i have become lower and slower. I am happy, I met interesting glimpses from the past. I also think I am beginning to love the dance with my two left feet which just might be right! I connect, and suddenly I know what is it that I am trying to seek through this square frame.

Strangely, I can only want and desire and then its destiny. Being the number 8, I believe karma is what drives my life and no matter how much I desire, it will decide. I focus hard! still wishing that wanting will fetch:-) However, I do know ....and suddenly the wind gushes in and here I am prepared today, to after all see a shooting star!

Cryptic is it?

2009-09-06T01:59:00.004+09:00

Been solving cryptic crosswords and lost in the tangles of words I see my own life. A picture emerges when I look at black and white and it isn't Grey! When one picks the newspaper, one is tempted to take the easy and I guess I just chose the cryptic one. Crosswords, cross roads, jogs, smiles, company and solitude coupled with music and silence are all flashes of my day. Its so easy to be true to a moment and lost for life. Like when I was listening to a song on my ipod, lines flashed by which sounded so innocent and true and yet, I know it was my interpretation and moment which defined what I felt and maybe lost the essence of the singer.

I type, I hit the backspace! I remember, I erase! I take two steps forward and 3 backwards. I create and I destroy! I wish to learn the guitar and undo my drums. Wish it was that easy and we had either a head or a heart to deal with. Finding a balance has been my most in-adept skill. Finding extremes my vice! I guess saying so much and yet not saying anything is what my life is all about right now. I wish to find the black in the grey or atleast the white. And then maybe tomorrow I will after all, pick the easy one.

Walk and the talk! Or the beat actually?

2009-07-07T03:27:00.000+09:00

Seems like a normal life. Get back home on time. I actually take some time out for myself and also walk 5 kms everyday. I am not sure how long this will last but I guess I am enjoying it nevertheless. Downloaded 24 and back to watching something at least. A make shift till I get my TV. Also begun on my musical journey. Started with a tabla and will hopefully equip myself with my keyboard and electronic drums. Neighbours need to watch out, but heck when have they ever stopped anyone.

Completely changed the course of my day and I guess I am the one to blame. Listening to songs from my past and also attempting to forget a few. Got myself a few plants too. They keep me busy and talking:-)

Running is fun, especially in the rain. Its just amazing to watch the trees grow so slowly. And paths look so long and so short depending on how you see it. Living a relatively free day isnt that bad either. It hopefully does me some good and others too. I guess I am rather sleepy for now and will sign off with the hope that this running/walking regime lasts, my plants grow into lovely trees and that I do buy those drums afterall.

Good night!

Hungover!

2009-07-01T00:38:00.002+09:00

Was a slack day. Started with a fury of calls as always from work, followed by a slow drive to work until I was almost killed. In that instant, I just realized that I had no fear of death. I had absolutely nothing I wished I had not done or done in the time that I have spent out here. Conversations, palm trees and lunch followed. Watched a movie in the theater after a very long time- Hangover. Complete time pass kind of comedy which was a delight. We shared laughter, pop corn and whatever else. Drive back was nice as well, no more near death encounters. Chai and smoke are a good combination after all....Fire always makes the chai brew right! Its been ages since my day went at my own pace. I am home, and need to be up late for a presentation. But I am reasonably charged!

I wish palm trees get their due attention someday and tell me a story we both like to hear. I wish theaters dont leave one breathless and god arranges us in the right order next time round. I also wish, I do make my karela sabji and learn to live like Rhetoric Solomon! I guess I just added a lot of wishes to live for today. But who said I cared!

Fragile!

2009-06-30T03:48:00.005+09:00

Life is very fragile and all twines delicately woven...Balance is the key to equilibrium...and yet the most interesting moments are stirred by the imbalances. I have had an interesting day and all I can say is that I have felt, a variety of things. I have learnt from small moments. I have spoken to myself, I have been busy, free, hurt and touched. I cannot describe the day, but been listening to a song by R.E.M

Very cliched and possibly odd but so what??

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone

And so I believe hurt is company!;-) I am about to crash, knowing that realization has dawned yet again and am I glad!

Randomness

2009-06-28T04:21:00.005+09:00

Every time I walk, thoughts rush past. I wish I had a voice recorder and I just captured those fleeting pieces of randomness. Anyways, off late sleeplessness has had the better of me and watching the fan in the emptiness of my room, I have had several strings of conversations with myself. Today was a lovely evening, wonderful weather and just looking at the green trees brush themselves against each other was soothing. I realized, if you open your ears, you will see. One sense leads to so many others and someday I hope, all of them can work in unison to give you a perfect experience. Its like the eyes, you look at them and it draws you to something more deep. Or a voice that you can listen to that makes you smell the fragrances just like that.Been reading a book - Difficult daughters. Given to me years ago...pretty good so far, talks about a woman who lived life torn between being herself, a sister, a lover and mother. I wonder why, we take so many different forms and why can't we just be. Some even get past life never meeting themselves. What a pity! I have had bouts of absolute ecstasy and depression all at once in the last few days. I used to wonder which part is true- the left or the right of my brain! How is it possible to experience pain and joy all at once in the same moment? I guess, this makes me wonder if finding the answer is the purpose of life even or is the purpose of life just experiencing it? In fact should life even have a purpose or is the purpose insignificant?

I watch the sky every night
Looking for a star, a sign, a something
All I rejoice is "Nothing"!
All I experience is the "Quest"
And yet I know, tomorrow the sky will be different.

Enough randomness for a day! Will now go back to my playlists and sleeplessness.

Shaayari...

2009-06-18T03:50:00.003+09:00

Shaayari likhi hai, yun hi kabhi fursat mai, kabhi bhool se...In alfazon ko rakhne mai socha, koi neki nahin, duniya aakhir kitne shaayaron ko jhel chuki!

"Raat baaki hai baat baaki hai

aaj sochta hai dil? kya tu mera saaki hai?"

"Justajoo nahin, aarazoo nahin

Yeh kaun shaks chal raha hai, zara mud ke dekh

Ranjh bhi nahin, pyaar bhi nahin

Ye kya silsila hai zara mud ke dekh

Yeh shart tho kahin zindagi ne ki hi nahin

Shaks ko ruh or silsile ko koi wajah bhi de.

Kya gilah, kya yakeen, kya sahi!

Ye kya shayaari bhi! zara mud ke tu dekh! "

Bas aaj ke liye shaayad itna hi.

Circle of life

2009-06-18T03:48:00.002+09:00

I gazed, I explored, I found!
I experienced, I enjoyed, I renounced!

Cycles of life repeat. They seem so different each time they begin and yet so similar at the end.I am strangely learning yet and waiting to experience the same thing all over again. Each time hoping the end will be something different.

?

2009-05-08T04:41:00.002+09:00

Will I ever know what I started? Will my thoughts rumble past like they always do? Will I be able to pen down the random rushing thoughts in my viens? Do I live knowing how my day will turn out? Gosh! Answers I seek of questions unknown. Songs I know, make me happy, a golden ray and wow! euphoric I am.I wish I see a bird fly past - freer than anything I know. Its strange how knowing is not enough, experiencing is what matters.

Laughable Laugh!

2009-04-10T18:13:00.003+09:00

I laugh, smile, smirk and some say - "How cute!". Anything against gravity on our face seems to please most people. I wonder who defined happy and sad and what made "happy" win over "sad"! I am guessing there was a war a zillion years ago between the two and happy face won over sad and in evolution it just took an upward face to prove wellness! ( A long chain of thoughts in my head about the war and how sad lost it, but sparing this post of the imagination)

Since the world is always striving to head towards a happy note, I think its time I add to to it too. I decided to find reasons to be happy also looked for funny things around me. Like someone wise once said, "Unless you look you never realize how much of scarcity there is, of what you seem to want" (Why do I think that the wise someone is me;-) Anyways hence I looked and looked and realized nothing seemed that funny today and my mind or heart or whatever isnt that easy to please! (Another chain of thoughts around what I find funny and how weird that is, again sparing this post). Thus I resorted to reading forwards!! Aah dont they always come to our rescue. But most forwards - "Already Read", "Not funny anymore", or just "Duh!!" I then tried to remember funny things from my past...suddenly I had amnesia of sorts! Eventually I just gave up. I then remembered -"If you dont look too hard, You will find it" (another wise theory again) and that is exactly what I did and decided to write a post instead.

I guess like most shallow things this post also just does not know why it exists. Leaving it behind to remember - " I was once looking for happiness until I decided not to!" Hoping most of you have a happy weekend ahead.