Nostalgia and new memories

Nostalgia is almost like a compulsive stalker! It takes you back in time to the strangest of moments. Often I have found myself in a new moment, struggling to comprehend its purpose and entirety. I then experience it and end up cherishing it only in retrospect when its too late or gone!

'Life'! my dear friends can be rather short.  All I can say is that hold on to all that you live and experience in the 'now' and be glad if nostalgia stalks you, when you are bored, idle or lost. As it may just make you smile or experience what you missed out back then! If not it will end up eating into a perfectly new beautiful moment and play spoilsport.

Staying Alive!

I am glad I want to write. The last few days just felt like I had lost me to a strange phenomenon! I had stopped listening to music and the excuse wasn't time but desire. I had stopped wanting to write and the excuse was not the lack of words but lack of thoughts. It was scary.

I looked in the mirror, wondering if this was really me. My wish of knowing what life would be without words or music had nearly come true! Funnily I looked just fine! Nothing had really stopped, nothing had really changed. Maybe I had even lost my ability to comprehend the change.

I have been wondering, why is it that we all live? Is life about the heart beating and time going by? How does one feel alive? Should I live beyond when my soul would be alive or should I be given a choice to end my life the day I want? I guess these are philosophical questions retorted by scientific answers and the law says we all should live and keep every soul on earth alive for as much as we can! We are all striving to keep life in our own ways. Why do we love conserving? Why do we not accept evolution? Why do we want to be high up in the food chain and look for means to be immortal? Any which ways, these questions had nothing to do with music or writing and yet I felt not any different without them.

However, when I woke up today, it was just another uninspiring day and when I stepped out, embraced the world, just like that - music came back, books did too and the writer in me is beginning to surface. However I know now, it is not the expressions or the art but something in 'me' that keeps me alive!

Good night world and have a lovely morning. I hope you wake up realizing you are in love or finding a case of money waiting to be spent! It might be fleeting, but that might give you a reason to be alive yet again!

Silence?

Your silence is killing. Your presence in it even more.
Sometimes I wish I went deaf to the silences with incoherent voices of the past.

Death and the dark sides of life

Death I wonder, can never be easy especially for the ones left behind. Most people wish different kinds of deaths. Peaceful, painless, some after 100's of years and some just want something heroic. Have you ever wondered what people will remember you as? Will people remember you? Will folks care that you are not there anymore? Will it make any difference? If not? Why do we strive hard everyday? Is it for us? Is it for a perception we want to create about us? Is it because it is instinct and we as a race do not know otherwise?

Life always intrigues me. Lives and humans even more! I have always been easily lured by deep dark insights of our existence and the pointlessness of this ordeal. I might just be a soul, I might just be a composition of energy waiting to be converted to another form. I might just be elements waiting to get back to the universe. I might not even be true. I might just be a thought with imagination. I might be a creative character of another race. I might not be worth anything at all actually. But I realize I will never find answers or know the truth. But whatever I am, I am sure at this instance this is what I am driven by. I am driven to writing a blog right now. I am tired after a long day watching lives being controlled, destroyed and sometimes re-designed by destiny. I am reminded again about the human race and how pathetic or glorious we can be. How important we make ourselvevs to be, maybe it is because we are after all a large (over 6 billion) clan!

When one travels 10000 miles!

Today has been a strange day. I have not had much to do or had the excitement to make the most of the last day in this almost second home called the "Bay Area". Every time I do get on a plane to come to the US. I am super excited because I do get to see and meet most of my strongest connections in life. All my friends from ever and all known paths to traverse. However almost every time, I wait to get on that plane and get back. I guess I have in my mind figured out what is "home". There is something more compelling back here that wants me to go return. Is it the calm of my apartment? Is it the drive to work? Is it the music room that awaits when I get back from work? Is it my fishes? Or really is it the long tea breaks at work? The sunshine that I seek every morning? Or the moon that I guess I will begin to look out for every night? I don't know what it is but who cares! I had a very fulfilling trip and felt like I met the most important people that I cared for and in ways that made me happy. Thanks A, S and T for the lovely time I had in the bay. I thank all the babies who just made the trip worthwhile and also made me realize that I am ready or maybe not for motherhood! I feel very blessed for finding home so many miles away and for having the most wonderful friends who make life seem so worth it. Will miss you guys a lot more than I say I will. Yes! Yes! Even though I might want to board that plane. I know when I land I will miss those conversations, those bitching sessions, the coffee or tea rounds and the randomness. I will, I know always be told, I have the most weird set of friends. Well what else do you expect from a weirdo such as me!

Tagged about 20 before 40!

Tagging is the most horrendous way people can demonstrate their friendship. Tagging people on notes, acceptable. Tagging people in random event invites, acceptable. Tagging ugly boring photographs of yours from yester years!!?? Like hello! Just not done! However tagging people and nagging them to blog is kinda bearable.

So here I am tagged to write 20 things I would want to do before I am 40. I mean for gods sakes, I can't really imagine that I am talking 40 already!! Yikes!!


So here goes

001: Invent a device that prevents aging!
002: Buy an SUV and drive across the country in it
003: Learn DJ'ing and perform in a night club
004: Drum, drum and drum!
005: Break free from my job and do my own thing
006: Spend a few months in Paris
007: Fall insanely in love and not worry about how it will turn out! (Phew I have been doing that all my life) Maybe its time to change the pattern!
008: Get a tattoo!
009: Lose just a lil more weight and run a marathon
010: Direct a movie or a play!
011: Meet SRK!:-d
012: Take a trip to Mumbai with a friend of mine!:-p Friend are you listening??
013: Visit a lot of my fav places with interesting company - Greece, Egypt, Rome even!
014: Go learn the local African drums in Kenya
015: Build a large natural aquarium
016: Listen to some amazing musical concerts around the world
017: Write my book
018: Buy myself the entire Calvin & Hobbes collection
019: Open a perfume factory
020: Spend a whole lot of crazy time with interesting, diverse sets of people and just have a great time in life!

I guess none of these 20 might get ticked off...so adding one more:

Follow this blog up with a few more!

Letting Go

I guess I started my evening with a wrecked back and wondered why everyday turns out so different from what I plan it to be. I am not the sorts who ever complains about life, but I guess one just finds a reason to behave otherwise. At times I live with ghosts of the past casting over dreams of a future. I often lose myself trying to understand who I really am. What I discover scares me like when I put my hand into an old box and find a dead rat or something.

"We could drift together, and find our ways, if we did end up besides each other, maybe we were meant to be". Thoughts, instances gushing through my head. Maybe it is time I pick up the pen and write that story after all. When I looked back and thought about my take on relationships, I realized I so totally believed in destiny. I so believed in letting be, I so believe in something out there driving every conversation, every smile, every stare, every kiss. Why then do I still look at being true to my moment and going all out to get what I desire if I do desire it. Not by asking but by being, hoping and waiting to be desired just the same. Hoping one desire is destined with another. I do remember a few moments of beauty woven by destiny and I do remember how it felt when the flame from the match burned out just before the moment did. I remember feeling that gush, desiring that one moment, fighting against all that can be for it...yet knowing maybe I will see you and you wont look back or notice. It does not matter what matters to you, what does matter is if I am true to what matters to me. I am sure one fine day I will be cynical of the drifting feathers wading their way through life. I will maybe come back to Sydney and like it. I will get a chance to actually go ask what I want or stand up and scream at the end of the cliff, letting go of my utopic belief in open spaces or in black skies!

Bound to run, oh freewill

Am I living in an illusion or does life just teach us new realities everyday ? I always thought we could get by life with a few constructs binding us. "bind" the very word that defies freedom. However the minute we wrap our lives with interactions, people, relationships, somewhere we just throw the freewill outside the window. I have known that predicting, knowing, wanting, desire are all strong characteristics that define an individual but also takes away that freewill somewhere.

And yet I am unable to figure where I stand, closer to freewill or to people? Or do I border around schizophrenia that I fight everyday? I guess it is ok to sometimes lose yourself to freedom just as amazing it is to bind to love. However each moment is by itself bound to destiny....and it is destiny that eventually I am sinking into or running from.