Fireplaces and a sauntering mind

Quotes that randomly crept when the fireplace was lit and the mind was let loose

• I don't lie, I just tell people what ought to be the truth!
• Houses with large mirrors are good for the ego! #Godblessmylandlady
• Fall fall till you succeed! #Iceskating #Lessonsinlife
• Need to stay away from #chocolate! Without resolution;-)
• Drumming was the only thing I was ever good at - John Bonham! I think I would re-phrase it as ' Drumming is the only thing that makes me alive!' #Realization
• My rant in a diary could be torn! I could say sorry and ask my friends to forgive me and hope that it is forgotten in time. I can't delete e-mails I have sent or remarks I have made or delete traces of data I have left in the internet space! #Realization
• Bump on my head- Attempt to clean the house oblivious to objects that are dangerous by their sheer presence in 'Meetas' house! #Selfrealization
• I know!! The only thing that keeps me awake at night or ticking in the day is that - 'I don't know!!' #SelfRealilzation
• Watching the leaves fight against the wind and finally give up! #Autumn

What am I doing?

Awake at 3.30 a.m
Watching the world slow down!
Does the being matter or the presence?
I wonder if it is life or its essence?

Should I have learnt to carve on stone?
Or make do with Sand?
Do I defy or accept fate
Is it the start or is it too late?


What am I doing!
Why am I? Will I know?
Who am I and do I amend?
Is this the start or is this really the end?

Staying Alive!

I am glad I want to write. The last few days just felt like I had lost me to a strange phenomenon! I had stopped listening to music and the excuse wasn't time but desire. I had stopped wanting to write and the excuse was not the lack of words but lack of thoughts. It was scary.

I looked in the mirror, wondering if this was really me. My wish of knowing what life would be without words or music had nearly come true! Funnily I looked just fine! Nothing had really stopped, nothing had really changed. Maybe I had even lost my ability to comprehend the change.

I have been wondering, why is it that we all live? Is life about the heart beating and time going by? How does one feel alive? Should I live beyond when my soul would be alive or should I be given a choice to end my life the day I want? I guess these are philosophical questions retorted by scientific answers and the law says we all should live and keep every soul on earth alive for as much as we can! We are all striving to keep life in our own ways. Why do we love conserving? Why do we not accept evolution? Why do we want to be high up in the food chain and look for means to be immortal? Any which ways, these questions had nothing to do with music or writing and yet I felt not any different without them.

However, when I woke up today, it was just another uninspiring day and when I stepped out, embraced the world, just like that - music came back, books did too and the writer in me is beginning to surface. However I know now, it is not the expressions or the art but something in 'me' that keeps me alive!

Good night world and have a lovely morning. I hope you wake up realizing you are in love or finding a case of money waiting to be spent! It might be fleeting, but that might give you a reason to be alive yet again!

Unusual Shadow!

Like a long unwinding snake, crawling across broken streets
Wading through the changing persona, that of splendor and then an emptiness
A black boxed extension of my universe, plays a song
Brings back a memory, a story, a desire!

I try to comprehend my own mind
I fail and give up wanting to just walk
I walk look, capture and click
I learn, I unlearn, I am drawn

In the background, I notice a face
Constantly hounding me with a smile
Following me, telling me, just being around
I think its my shadow and leave it to hound!

The sun sets just the way it rose
The moon creeps up shining in the sky
I see the face, still alive, wanting a peep!
At the hour when they say shadows go to sleep

I wonder what it is then?
Who is it I should have thought!
Instead I am lost writing an experience
The shadow was just my reason to not!


I know for most this is the most unusual form of poetry or prose, who cares I am glad I just expressed. After all my blog is my space, or so I think!

Lyrics or Songs?

I am always torn between songs and lyrics and inevitably lyrics win. However lyrics with a bad tune just so dont!!!

Today an amazing singer passed away - Jagjit Singh. I loved his choice of Ghazals. I loved the poets he brought to life. I did think his song eventually sounded the same but there was a finesse in his voice which comes only as a natural gift. 

Poetry I believe has been my best friend even in times of distress, lulls and speed such as now. I have no time to realize where I am, I have no time to figure out how life will be tomorrow. I just know I am! in the moment. I do remember my past vividly though I wish I did not. I do make new memories every minute with no time to even savor them. There are lots of things I have stopped to do such as Run, Exercise and write. 

Since we are on the topic of poetry, I was reminded of Sri Harivansh Rai Bacchan and his poem 

' Jo Beet Gayi So Baat Gayi' 

Two songs of JS come back as a flash to me. 'Sarakti Jaaye hai ruk se naqaab, Aahista Aahista' and 'Tum ko dekha tho yeh khayaal aaya, zindagi dhoop tum ghana saaya'

Haala ki London ki sardi mai saaya nahin dhoop ki aarzoo hai! 

I am sure this would be one of those posts I will not be very proud of!:-)

Why I should not watch a bollywood movie, and why I should make one!

Spent the weekend watching a few movies. Ranging from 'How Cliche' to 'Argh completely crappy' and 'Seriously??!!?' my expressions just kept getting better through the evening.  However it also made me wonder why on earth was I not making movies!!! An inner voice then said  - 'Possibly because you want to tell a story!'


For beginners, Mere Brother Ki Dulhan - I mean completely predictable pointless movie. A movie that proved yet again that people will go watch Katrina because she looks good and that Imran Khan despite his various attempts at diversity is highly cliched! His lineage is not helping him anymore. The story was predictable(I mean the title says it all), the acting terrible and the music was just overwhelming excessive! A song played every few minutes and I tossed back into literally counting all sins committed in the recent past! The clothes!! OMG, why could Imran Khan not get over checks? I mean he looked like he wore the same thing throughout the movie.

Dabang?? -  A movie that has confirmed that Indian masses worship heroes (literally) and movies are not about acting or a story anymore. They are about watching hero figures perform and in return we the audience call it talent shove undulated reverence to these legendary heroes! I mean I do love mindless movies but not any piece of crap that people want to pass off. Usually with a tag that says -  'Oh well the Indian audience has so many issues, blah blah blah and they want to get away from home and leave their brains behind'. Brains I agree but sensibilities?? - Sorry!! Slapstick comedy, exaggerated dialogue based movies can be made but the director and actors need to work hard atleast to prove their worth in showing some creativity in this genre. We cannot have Salman not even attempting to sound like a UP police walah because he has a 6 pack to expose.

I pondered a bit more and concluded that 'we the Indians', 'the masses' have reverence for mindlessness. Average Indians are not drawn to art or sophistication because they have no idea how to appreciate the same. Their lives are surrounded with poverty and struggle but mostly not from an economic stand point but also a cultural stand point. Hence any evolution in terms of intelligent art is a far cry today. These movies will hence continue to make money and continue to deteriorate and take the average Indian audience away from abstract intellectual meaningful art. Heros like Salman, SRK will continue to rule because they have made their homes in these minds - Mind you not via great cinema but great salesman ship of their image and star status. It baffles me when I watch a few of these people in various interviews. Its amazing how intelligent some of these people really are and its amazing how revenues in movies have nothing to do with the movie. Instead today it has only boiled down to which star can attract the masses to the theater. The sad part is we will all continue to live in this mode unless someone has the courage to break through and stop producing mass masala with one of these stars who also has the courage to risk his/her TRP by trying out a real movie for a change.

Is there a crowd out there willing to watch something more realistic and interesting? Or will we continue to admire sub-standard ways of showcasing a story? Indian producers, directors and actors are completely capable of making a sensible, full of unreal moments, filled with music, but well made movie. But it seems like the focus has changed from truly good movie making to making money, creating a business model that works on the grounds of laziness and mass appeal. India has been the land where brilliant poets, lovely forms of music and dance thrived in everyones hearts centuries ago. Today we are sadly partitioned between a section of youth who has a thirst for sophistication and a mass that is all ready to embrace stardom for iconic value. And almost no significant individuals who seek art for its glory. I always had a story to tell,  infact several stories to tell. However today there is  very little hope that there will be anyone who will want to listen. I wonder if it will be possible in this life time that Indian Masses take a hard look at themselves and learn from their past about how we are culturally deteriorating as a nation? Or am I just being a pretentious b**tch??

Old connections and new relationships

From the moment they set their eyes it was intense. The twinkle in one lured the other and before they knew it, just like that, by the works of destiny they were involved. Involved in each others emotions. They were invested! Invested in each others lives. They were bound! Bound by each others presence. It was rare to ever experience strong instant attraction and yet, it just seemed to have happened leaving them with no space to decipher the laws of nature. And then…. they walked past life’s significant milestones, doing things they were driven or destined to do. Not knowing if the other even existed. The passion was lost, the familiarity gave way to distances, the connection seemed broken. They often wondered- “What had really bound them back then? Not interests, not passions or causes. Probably it was sheer emotions and a strange untold bond.” They often wondered why it ever happened and if it really did happen??

After many years of being strangers, they met again. Two different people traversing the same spaces of time starting together often end up becoming complete strangers. Simply because their experiences, their evolution probably was so different. However memories have the power of connecting people in strange ways. They discovered, they spoke, they felt a connection. Except they were surprised at what they found. Over the years when they started as two complete different people, went over different experiences they somehow today seemed like they had found their common ground. They were after all very similar indeed. There is no definite end to connections we make, no defined ways in which they shape up, no predictable ways in which they evolve. But it seems like most connections have a purpose and if not today after several years we do learn to appreciate what we never saw in them. They could then be sheer memories or just sometimes if you are lucky  a connection once can become a new relationship with the same person in the same life time.

Time...

Some times I find it hard to get past a few hours. Sometimes there is just so much to do! Despite the fact that time is ticking by and our experiences get summed up over its axis, I wonder if there is any other dimension that controls our lives as much? A lot of people find it hard to find time and yet  I know some that are literally whiling it in my view. Though I claimed that I am unable to strike a balance with contradictions to my personality, I think I have in a lot of ways managed to strike a balance and mostly find time for things that I care about.

People, Music, Work, Experimenting with everything in life, Art, Fitness and myself! 

I seldom find 24 hours too little and maybe it is because I do not value sleep as much. Or maybe it is because in everything I do, I try and find passion and joy! Some people tell me it is probably because I am a free bird not responsible for any other life or lives. But come on, aren't we all free or bound by our own making? Anyways, I am glad I have struck a balance, despite the corporate life that binds a lot of us and mostly it is also thanks to people around me that make this time killing a joy ride!

Striving to strike a balance

I have been bothered by my inability to strike a balance! I wish I could just think less, ponder less, care less and be brutal at times. I have such random sides to myself that I sometimes wonder how one personality exists with all these dichotomies! I want to be blunt, but I end up being polite. I want to let go, I force myself to hold on. I want to give up and yet I work hard. I want to stay fit and yet I succumb to temptations! I want to be quiet and yet I speak! I wanted to just figure this out in my head and yet here I am writing a blog!

Insomnia is good afterall

Long day, new city, tiring week and looking forward to a weekend to be spent with special people! The only words that come to my mind:

A flock of sheep that leisurely pass by
One after one; the sound of rain, and bees
Murmuring; the fall of rivers, winds and seas,
Smooth fields, white sheets of water, and pure sky -
I've thought of all by turns, and still I lie
Sleepless...
~William Wordsworth

Passion not fashion!

Is passion a good thing? I always wondered. It drains a lot of thought, seeks a lot of focus and most importantly just makes stuff mean a whole lot. Some people get past life without intensity. They are the ones who can re-adjust, re-focus, change and possibly cope with life better. The intense ones always seek a lot more, finding it harder to let go and adapt to change. The experience! some might argue is what life is about. But at the end of it- sometimes I wonder, is it really? I mean what if life was finally an end result and some get exactly there with less work?

All of this comes to my mind because maybe today I am at crossroads between passion and passion (really) again! I wonder if it is time I even give myself another choice or do I just succumb and accept this is me! Though I know, I can let go, I know I can move on, but the moment is what does it for me! It has to be true, complete and passionate! So is there really hope for me or will I need an energy drink at the end of life for how tiring it might have been?

Letting Go

I guess I started my evening with a wrecked back and wondered why everyday turns out so different from what I plan it to be. I am not the sorts who ever complains about life, but I guess one just finds a reason to behave otherwise. At times I live with ghosts of the past casting over dreams of a future. I often lose myself trying to understand who I really am. What I discover scares me like when I put my hand into an old box and find a dead rat or something.

"We could drift together, and find our ways, if we did end up besides each other, maybe we were meant to be". Thoughts, instances gushing through my head. Maybe it is time I pick up the pen and write that story after all. When I looked back and thought about my take on relationships, I realized I so totally believed in destiny. I so believed in letting be, I so believe in something out there driving every conversation, every smile, every stare, every kiss. Why then do I still look at being true to my moment and going all out to get what I desire if I do desire it. Not by asking but by being, hoping and waiting to be desired just the same. Hoping one desire is destined with another. I do remember a few moments of beauty woven by destiny and I do remember how it felt when the flame from the match burned out just before the moment did. I remember feeling that gush, desiring that one moment, fighting against all that can be for it...yet knowing maybe I will see you and you wont look back or notice. It does not matter what matters to you, what does matter is if I am true to what matters to me. I am sure one fine day I will be cynical of the drifting feathers wading their way through life. I will maybe come back to Sydney and like it. I will get a chance to actually go ask what I want or stand up and scream at the end of the cliff, letting go of my utopic belief in open spaces or in black skies!

Bound to run, oh freewill

Am I living in an illusion or does life just teach us new realities everyday ? I always thought we could get by life with a few constructs binding us. "bind" the very word that defies freedom. However the minute we wrap our lives with interactions, people, relationships, somewhere we just throw the freewill outside the window. I have known that predicting, knowing, wanting, desire are all strong characteristics that define an individual but also takes away that freewill somewhere.

And yet I am unable to figure where I stand, closer to freewill or to people? Or do I border around schizophrenia that I fight everyday? I guess it is ok to sometimes lose yourself to freedom just as amazing it is to bind to love. However each moment is by itself bound to destiny....and it is destiny that eventually I am sinking into or running from.