Fear of existence and then not

Fears and apprehensions are just inexplicable. We hate not knowing and yet a known eventuality is worse. I have often battled my fears and sometimes just resigned. I woke up today in the dark. Scared, frantically searching for the sun or even the sign of some moon light. I was displaced in time and reality.

I know you will be gone some day
I know I will be too!
Would knowing when or how help?
I wanted to tell you, it isn't ignorance I fear
But truly knowing that I find hard dealing with.
You knew my moon and you know my sun too
It is amazing that you left behind yourself.
The dark side of the sun and the dark side of the moon

It will all come to an end with an epitaph reading - "I knew and yet I did not find the time to write it up! I just never wanted to!"

'What-if'- A Fact of my life!

Life often poses you with 'what-if' situations. There are times when I know exactly what I want and do not find it. And then there are also times when I am completely clueless about what I really want and life keeps throwing things at me.  I wish this when that happens and I get that when this is supposed to happen! So 'what if' that had happened, or if today was another time and day?? Easy questions that lead to never ending thoughts with no end.Sometimes 'what -if's' just make us realize that what we have today is making us unhappy and maybe we need to set out on a new path of discovery and be brave enough to give up what we question and actually start to find. We have to be brave enough to also realize that maybe at the end of that quest we discover that we gave up exactly what we were looking for. Life is about taking risks, finding out  and willing to accept that we may not find but still we should look. Belief is an interesting dimension. Experts say you have to believe for things to happen! However at the end it is easier if you don't believe to deal with the eventuality of not finding. I guess I am not sure what triggered this blog, other than a deep reflective mood, deep emotions clouding my thinking. I am feeling and for the first time I do not know what, worse still I cannot comprehend this feeling...I just know that it has made me silent, made my mind reflect, made me stoic and I know these emotions are here because when I let go and get liberated from them, I will feel a new energy. I know that these emotions bring out expressions in the form of posts, stories, imagination, music and thoughts.

I spent the day doing a lot of things, the best part was a ride which was a free fall for 8 seconds. However, on another ride, (the one that took me high, got me twisted 360 degree looking down) I felt I was truly alone! High up, looking down in motion I was alone and also scared! I was scared of being alone in a large crowd. I was scared of not belonging, I was afraid of being disconnected. It is in that moment a realization dawned, I am missing something, I am feeling something, I just need to let this one stay and figure it out. I need to acknowledge feelings beyond my mind, I need to just feel for a bit. Suddenly the ride stopped, so did the noise and I was deaf to all the screaming. I could not see beyond blurred images around me and I could not feel myself as I was numb and cold!

I walked back tired and was wondering - 'What-if' I had not taken that ride today.....

Who am I?

I have been on a journey of self realization, pondering and discovery off late. Just wanted to jot down things that came to my mind. 

• I love free flow more than structure.
• I am curious but not to conclude.
• I like shades and not defined colours.
• I appreciate small things but dislike details.
• I enjoy logic, but know that there is randomness behind reason.

• I have not mastered or even gotten close to knowing how to communicate.
• I have to do something about an idea in my mind in the first few minutes of its inception. Else I know I never will!
• I always reconcile very quickly with behavioral realities of people, even if it is something I do not completely understand. In the process I have begun to forget what I truly agree with.
• Human behaviour can be understood and not many have the time to delve into it beyond words, actions and discover intent.
• I would probably be very unhappy if things would turn out to be exactly how they seemed.

There is a pattern to me and I am beginning to discover it. I am not sure where this phase of discovery is going to end. All I know is that it is sometimes extremely taxing to spend time with yourself to understand; as it might be relaxing to unwind into the soul. Someday, I might again jot down a few notes and the blogging world just might help me reconcile the change!

A strange silence I want to break

There is a strange calm in being patient and silent amidst chaos and noise!

There is a silence I want to break! I glare into my computer waiting, typing with back spaces, looking, reading, re-reading, listening to the silence around me. Chat windows blink and I type in rhetoric, in boredom and then just ignore some. I am restless I know and yet so calm. People seem to function just fine, the day goes past like it always does, birds continue to fly, the moon plays peekaboo, all seems like it should be; and yet, there is something amiss! There is a strange silence I want to break!

Of longing and life!

Longing they say rouses desire
Owning the art of possession.
Dreaming creates realities you long for.
Knowing always leads to doubt!

It is not enough to long or own
Dream or know!
It is "dealing with" that after all defines
One life from another.

I guess I ramble on with each day. Something that struck my mind today is a quote I read:

Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Stillness and change

White like a drop of dew on grass, seeming like a satin cloth.
That just let itself drift away in the wind
You might lie there for sand to blanket you
Or just drift again into newer shores
Whichever ways something will change..
Could be the whiteness, or the shape.
The fragrance or the feel
Or if nothing really, the stillness in changing times

Wonder why?

I wonder why we are not taught to assume our rights.
I wonder why we are not taught to fight.
I wonder why we are not taught to have our own perceptions.
I wonder why we are not taught to think.
I wonder why we need to even be taught!
It just seems so basic so easy and yet so uncommon.

Connections

Connections are interesting things. I sometimes feel connected with my past and sometimes so distant from my present.I often feel I can spend a life time in the past or in imagination. Maybe at the end, the present will just not have a context. Possibly it is because I live life at a slower pace and can only relish so many moments. Which is why I don't make time for newer experiences. Either ways I have met a zillion people, conversed, shared silences or just air with some. However there are a few of them that I have connected with. Often I do find people connecting, but it is rare that I connect back. I wish the "once a connection always a connection" theory worked. But connections do fade and new ones do get established.

I met someone today. We spent time looking at fish, a species I never connected with thus far. Was it the moment or the instance, but I did strangely stare/gaze into the eyes of the fish.I think it has made me want to connect with them forever. I am not sure why some connections strike me so intensely and some just pass by life unnoticed. But my life has surely become worth the past because of the intense ones. As a kid, a frog in my garden taught me how to lose my fear to discover. Walking past marine drive, it was a kid selling joy for a living, that taught me how to appreciate life. Gazing at the sea taught me how to stay calm, walks around the school grounds talking about bio-degradable plastic with a friend taught me a different way to perceive life. Every such connection has made me want to live a few moments beyond time and savor it over and over again.


I am sure there is a whole lot to be lived. But I am happy to see that there is enough to go back and relive as well. It kind of makes me happy that my life has been worthwhile.

Contradictions Am I?

Sometimes I sail on, sometimes I am crushed in a tide. I am definite and at times I surprise myself. I mostly seek the impossible and the obvious just comes my way.Small things matter while big things just dont. Contradictions define me while the patterns just don't repeat. I guess its been a day of observations. I observed the coconut tree and wondered why the leaves were slit, I watched a few faces and figured monotony still exists in chaos. Created random prose:

"Definite I am. Mysterious you are !
Boundaries I resist, but bound you are!
Makes it an interesting string of definite and unbound!
Of mystery and conviction !"

I believe messages in bottles are often intended but not implied. I guess blogs are similar. This is one of those where sporadic thoughts come by hoping they don't get stitched and comprehended.