Strange Balances

It was just another day. They all woke up to get on with the mundane. He did not stop to notice how beautiful the locks of her hair looked when sunshine cast a spell. She started to straighten things back into years of togetherness shared in a home. Time ticked on, they shared their lives – a bed, a home, their meals sometimes. Years of their marriage were cast as trophies around the house in the form of collectibles.  It was hard to imagine where all of it began. The background music of a distant bark or cheer on the television broke the balance intermittently. There she was getting on dutifully – cooking, cleaning and being a good wife. He was aware of her existence and she was too. The door bell rang – cutting through the silence and there was a stranger who knocked at the wrong house. Their eyes met, they shared a glance. There she was struggling to carry a heavy piece of baggage while cleaning the room. The stranger walked up, held it for her while she continued to clean. They looked again, smiled and the stranger left. He continued to read the paper while she looked at the mirror, fixed her hair and smiled. The stranger left holding onto a fragrance and carrying the picture of a beautiful face which was etched forever in the heart. 

Life goes on and we all find our balances, its just a question of which balance do we settle for- Two empty scales or two full ones or perhaps something in between.

Buddha on a plane

Been flying, travelling and in transit for a while now. Took off early morning again to the cold land of Oslo. Watched the sun rise, saw the snow melt and just closed my eyes and stared at a blank. Few random thoughts came my way. Jotting them down.

Freedom

Strapped besides wings

Feels like a new flight to freedom

Where is it that I go? Who or what is it that I leave?

Is flying freedom? Or does it make me a captive to running away?

I can fly miles on end or stay put for years against the shores of an angry sea...

Freedom is when none of it matters

Freedom is when I am still in moving flights and transported when on the shore!

Silence

Can I be deaf to the noise around me?

Will I always need headphones to cut through it?

Will I need a song inside my soul to drift away?

Or will I truly be comfortable with silences?

Imagination

What I see with my eyes closed and mind open is inexplicably better than anything I have seen before.

Being

I am just a manifestation of my thoughts.

Love

Clear as ice, fluid like melting water, transient like vapour but without a state of nothing! Love eludes me!

Longing

I want you so bad! And yet I am willing to wait all my life in the hope that you will show up on your own. What if you are waiting too?? 

Fear of existence and then not

Fears and apprehensions are just inexplicable. We hate not knowing and yet a known eventuality is worse. I have often battled my fears and sometimes just resigned. I woke up today in the dark. Scared, frantically searching for the sun or even the sign of some moon light. I was displaced in time and reality.

I know you will be gone some day
I know I will be too!
Would knowing when or how help?
I wanted to tell you, it isn't ignorance I fear
But truly knowing that I find hard dealing with.
You knew my moon and you know my sun too
It is amazing that you left behind yourself.
The dark side of the sun and the dark side of the moon

It will all come to an end with an epitaph reading - "I knew and yet I did not find the time to write it up! I just never wanted to!"

Unusual Shadow!

Like a long unwinding snake, crawling across broken streets
Wading through the changing persona, that of splendor and then an emptiness
A black boxed extension of my universe, plays a song
Brings back a memory, a story, a desire!

I try to comprehend my own mind
I fail and give up wanting to just walk
I walk look, capture and click
I learn, I unlearn, I am drawn

In the background, I notice a face
Constantly hounding me with a smile
Following me, telling me, just being around
I think its my shadow and leave it to hound!

The sun sets just the way it rose
The moon creeps up shining in the sky
I see the face, still alive, wanting a peep!
At the hour when they say shadows go to sleep

I wonder what it is then?
Who is it I should have thought!
Instead I am lost writing an experience
The shadow was just my reason to not!


I know for most this is the most unusual form of poetry or prose, who cares I am glad I just expressed. After all my blog is my space, or so I think!

Old connections and new relationships

From the moment they set their eyes it was intense. The twinkle in one lured the other and before they knew it, just like that, by the works of destiny they were involved. Involved in each others emotions. They were invested! Invested in each others lives. They were bound! Bound by each others presence. It was rare to ever experience strong instant attraction and yet, it just seemed to have happened leaving them with no space to decipher the laws of nature. And then…. they walked past life’s significant milestones, doing things they were driven or destined to do. Not knowing if the other even existed. The passion was lost, the familiarity gave way to distances, the connection seemed broken. They often wondered- “What had really bound them back then? Not interests, not passions or causes. Probably it was sheer emotions and a strange untold bond.” They often wondered why it ever happened and if it really did happen??

After many years of being strangers, they met again. Two different people traversing the same spaces of time starting together often end up becoming complete strangers. Simply because their experiences, their evolution probably was so different. However memories have the power of connecting people in strange ways. They discovered, they spoke, they felt a connection. Except they were surprised at what they found. Over the years when they started as two complete different people, went over different experiences they somehow today seemed like they had found their common ground. They were after all very similar indeed. There is no definite end to connections we make, no defined ways in which they shape up, no predictable ways in which they evolve. But it seems like most connections have a purpose and if not today after several years we do learn to appreciate what we never saw in them. They could then be sheer memories or just sometimes if you are lucky  a connection once can become a new relationship with the same person in the same life time.

Unsaid and Unspoken

She silently watched as he walked past. The glance implied something more. Almost magically they connected. Discovering the contours of their personalities. It is possible to fit into something that might be empty. But how does one fit around spaces of something and someone already full? There is excitement in the unknown, just as there is an unexplained desire to belong and be sure. Silences followed by spaces, intensity broken by distances and contours turning into zones started to all define something. They were fluid but is that enough? Do we either fit or not? They moved from unclaimed to defined, from hazy contours to boundaries, from feeling to knowing and from being to planning and yet they had so much more to discover. He walked past yet again, this time she watched and the glance did imply something. It meant they were connected, they knew and the possibly the knowing killed it all or possibly they yet fit into each others lives in more defined ways.

A quote comes to my mind just like that:

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
- Dorothy Nevil.

Similarly
"Relationships are about knowing as much as leaving spaces to be found or kept unknown!"

I admit afterall!

I admit I am intrigued!
I admit I am annoyed!
I admit I am lured!
I admit I am desperate!
I admit I am calm!
I admit I am restless!
I admit I do read a palm!

I love chases and chase I will! Till I know beyond doubt that it is an illusion or it never was!

A strange silence I want to break

There is a strange calm in being patient and silent amidst chaos and noise!

There is a silence I want to break! I glare into my computer waiting, typing with back spaces, looking, reading, re-reading, listening to the silence around me. Chat windows blink and I type in rhetoric, in boredom and then just ignore some. I am restless I know and yet so calm. People seem to function just fine, the day goes past like it always does, birds continue to fly, the moon plays peekaboo, all seems like it should be; and yet, there is something amiss! There is a strange silence I want to break!

Remind me!

I am trying to remember.
What was I like before I made a few choices?
Did I chat long hours in silence or had some random stories to say?
If I did run impulsively across cities to catch a few fleeting moments?
If I had a picture of sunshine, frogs and hoped to catch a glimpse of that reflection up the hill?
If I found laughter in the most trivial of jokes and moments?
If I did think of a flaming in Mumbai that I would talk to and set free someday.
If I thought I would make a lot of smiles seem worthwhile and hold back tears for a good reason?
I am just trying to remember and thought maybe you might help.
Because I think the shadow that I left behind is closer to you than to me!

Of Bars and Himalayas

They say that bang at the stroke of midnight come either devious thoughts or obvious thoughts. I wonder why my mind wandered about a dream I recently had. A bar - everyone happy, dancing, merry, stoned, unstrung almost like everyone belonged there and didnt belong anywhere at the same time. The music played a mix of retro, rock, jazz and African classical beats. There was a character to this bar, almost like every corner was a different person, a different place. It was a place however intending to liberate and free most of us to no where.

The host, seemed to know exactly what a seeking me would seek on a Saturday night just as well as she knew what the painter would want to drink after working on a landscape he was struggling to create for a while now. All came together urging me to lose myself in the joy and illusions only to head back to the Himalayas for an ablution from a sinful evening. (Was it?) or to understand why rivers actually did flow downwards (gravity cannot be the answer to the world, its a stale theory). As the clock struck 1, thoughts just resigned and went back to sleep, leaving me wide awake.

I remember waking up feeling cold like on the Himalayas and high like after a hangover and mostly wanting to say good morning to the lovely host.

Two perfect strangers

Two perfect strangers, glare into each others eyes. Watch and see what they want to see. They delve deep, knowing there is no escape, explore as dangerously as they can. Sipping coffee in cafes, making excuses to move into each others spaces. Conversing like the world ceases to exist, waiting for it to rain, holding hands again. Impatiently looking at the watch late at night; waiting for the next day to come. Waiting to dress up in red or brown. Smiling at the world observing flowers and the starlit night. Holding each other tight, making love like crazy, kissing gently, slowing down to sink in that fragrance.
Two perfect strangers, glare into each others eyes with nothing really to say. They are as they were, strangers! This time knowing that's how they know each other best.

square frames

Whats with square frames that open out into the wilderness? I am sitting gazing at the sky feeling like I just discovered something. Smirking and talking to myself. Figured that life is after all a chase. Its always about making a choice and taking a stand. Not taking one is again a stand and choosing not to choose is a choice too. I wonder what makes me tick each day, though I know there is nothing I look forward to, I know I have to make a choice. I believe i have become lower and slower. I am happy, I met interesting glimpses from the past. I also think I am beginning to love the dance with my two left feet which just might be right! I connect, and suddenly I know what is it that I am trying to seek through this square frame.

Strangely, I can only want and desire and then its destiny. Being the number 8, I believe karma is what drives my life and no matter how much I desire, it will decide. I focus hard! still wishing that wanting will fetch:-) However, I do know ....and suddenly the wind gushes in and here I am prepared today, to after all see a shooting star!