Buddha on a plane

Been flying, travelling and in transit for a while now. Took off early morning again to the cold land of Oslo. Watched the sun rise, saw the snow melt and just closed my eyes and stared at a blank. Few random thoughts came my way. Jotting them down.

Freedom

Strapped besides wings

Feels like a new flight to freedom

Where is it that I go? Who or what is it that I leave?

Is flying freedom? Or does it make me a captive to running away?

I can fly miles on end or stay put for years against the shores of an angry sea...

Freedom is when none of it matters

Freedom is when I am still in moving flights and transported when on the shore!

Silence

Can I be deaf to the noise around me?

Will I always need headphones to cut through it?

Will I need a song inside my soul to drift away?

Or will I truly be comfortable with silences?

Imagination

What I see with my eyes closed and mind open is inexplicably better than anything I have seen before.

Being

I am just a manifestation of my thoughts.

Love

Clear as ice, fluid like melting water, transient like vapour but without a state of nothing! Love eludes me!

Longing

I want you so bad! And yet I am willing to wait all my life in the hope that you will show up on your own. What if you are waiting too?? 

Fear of existence and then not

Fears and apprehensions are just inexplicable. We hate not knowing and yet a known eventuality is worse. I have often battled my fears and sometimes just resigned. I woke up today in the dark. Scared, frantically searching for the sun or even the sign of some moon light. I was displaced in time and reality.

I know you will be gone some day
I know I will be too!
Would knowing when or how help?
I wanted to tell you, it isn't ignorance I fear
But truly knowing that I find hard dealing with.
You knew my moon and you know my sun too
It is amazing that you left behind yourself.
The dark side of the sun and the dark side of the moon

It will all come to an end with an epitaph reading - "I knew and yet I did not find the time to write it up! I just never wanted to!"

Who am I?

I have been on a journey of self realization, pondering and discovery off late. Just wanted to jot down things that came to my mind. 

• I love free flow more than structure.
• I am curious but not to conclude.
• I like shades and not defined colours.
• I appreciate small things but dislike details.
• I enjoy logic, but know that there is randomness behind reason.

• I have not mastered or even gotten close to knowing how to communicate.
• I have to do something about an idea in my mind in the first few minutes of its inception. Else I know I never will!
• I always reconcile very quickly with behavioral realities of people, even if it is something I do not completely understand. In the process I have begun to forget what I truly agree with.
• Human behaviour can be understood and not many have the time to delve into it beyond words, actions and discover intent.
• I would probably be very unhappy if things would turn out to be exactly how they seemed.

There is a pattern to me and I am beginning to discover it. I am not sure where this phase of discovery is going to end. All I know is that it is sometimes extremely taxing to spend time with yourself to understand; as it might be relaxing to unwind into the soul. Someday, I might again jot down a few notes and the blogging world just might help me reconcile the change!

Of wanting and getting!

There is always some joy when things happen the way you expect them to. There is a bigger joy if what happens is what you really really wanted as opposed to knew and did not want.

Sometimes I wish I could capture some moments. Like when one gets a reply to an sms they anticipated, or when a child finds a gift from Santa when it wakes up on Christmas day. Don't most of us in our minds create a plan based on anticipation or reactions we hope for? And optimism prevails in most lives! However, with this imagination comes disappointment too. But is it really possible to not expect or have any pre-conceived notions of our lives?

I am at a strange juncture of my life, where I want or desire things I cannot have, where I have given up on big things and look forward to very small things. Yet, I have not mastered the art of non-anticipation. I realized for all the science that I read, I am a believer in a larger power, I am believer of circumstance, destiny and magical connections. I have been disproved several times and yet I believe this is what adds to the charm of my life. I used to believe in what someone once taught me - If you really want something you will get it. If not you never wanted it enough. Maybe I have forgotten the art of wanting or maybe I need to get scientific again. Whatever it is, there is a lesson that needs to be learnt and I am stubborn about not wanting to learn it.

There is poetry I sent out to you.
There is a silence still, that I left out there!
There is a fragrance left to remind you.
There might even be chatter everywhere!

There is a glance that stemmed from my emotion;
There is a thought woven in that mist.
There is the said and the unsaid story!
There is a dash of lemon in that twist.

I look and find what I want so bad.
Though I mostly see it with closed eyes!
Sometimes I know I will never find,
What I was looking for in the dark night skies!

Sense and Sensibility

I was told I mostly do not make sense. I started my evening understanding the phrase "sense". A dictionary probably describes it as "sound practical intelligence, something reasonable" 

I began to analyze my course of thoughts, speech and action and realized that they are indeed at times very dis-jointed. I realized there is another precursor to the whole thing -"ability to hear". So this is how I guess I function.

• Hear something(aah the idea is seeded).
• Process what you believed you heard (idea triggers context, starts to lead into other ideas)
• think a zillion threads (story starts to weave in my head)
• respond (continue to add dimensions to the story)
• Act !(by now the idea has turned into a beast!) 
• The other end thinks ---> (does not make sense!!!)

So a lot of this has to do with how much you tame your mind from thinking. Assuming you cant control that, you end up needing to control your responses in which case.  Imagination I tell you is a devious thing. But this thought process apart, I really do not use my imagination on a normal day around every normal thing happening around me. I probably use it when I need to.  And yet so often I am told, I do not make sense!

Maybe here is what could happen

X:  Do you have money on you?

Me: Heard it as - I need money (assumptions, bad ears whatever!)

Me Processing: 
Why would someone need money and has bothered asking me? 
Maybe X needs food, maybe X needs to pay someone who is standing right there, 
Maybe X needs to buy new clothes, Maybe ..maybe maybe

Me responds: Do you need clothes??

X concludes: Does not make sense. All I wanted to know is if you have money to get back home yourself!

Me (action): Pull out my wallet and car to take X shopping!

Phew! Again this is a figment of my imagination. I am very sure I do not come across this ways on most serious occasions. I am also incapable of doing the above for trivial things!:-) But heck I am also told I am entertaining and most weird. I wonder why that does not sound like a compliment! All I know is that I am of course a fan of intellect and intelligent people. I would degenerate the day intelligent people cease to exist around me. However, there is a joy in being able to talk to folks at any level in the value chain, only because I cannot fill my life with silences at large. I do love fiction and run my imagination wild because I guess I was given a mind that is not still. I am just reminded of a quote I once read - Truth has to be strange. Fiction though should make sense! (or something like that).

My sensibility tells me, it is time to stop writing this post and I shall obey! I must not be making any sense I know.

Realizations dawn at night!

• I have often known things that I don't understand. Those are the times I have a new found respect for the phrase - " Ignorance is bliss".
• I have often believed in instincts more than facts!  Those are times when I wonder why I even studied "science".
• I have often run a few miles with no where to go. Those are times I have always appreciated "circles"
• I have often had loads of thoughts and absolutely nothing to say. Those are times I realized why we were taught "writing, art and expressions!"
• I have often done things I have not believed in. Those are times I have realized there is power in influence and maybe the earth has magnetic fields!
• I have often found it so hard to kill 10 minutes of time. Those are times I understand why the Europeans probably invented the card game "Patience"
• I have often dreamt of things and believed they were true. That is when I realize how magicians can indeed hypnotize!

I am not sure if there is really a point I am trying to make. But I know I always buy books I don't read and hope some day I have all the time in the world to just linger around my library and catch up with life! Stopping to add to it anything new and live upto all that I have gathered!

What today has in store

Interesting early day. Work, tick boxes, confessions and a feeling of accomplishment and an attempt to give up my vices! Missing my cousins a whole lot today. Missing the frequent trips to Indore and mindless chatter and laughter with cousins. There is a strange joy in meeting extended family that is as mad as you are, accepting of your craziness and basically amazing amounts of fun.


I still remember the long nights spent at Sarafa hogging all night, or the dumb charades played with crazy B grade movies. The dancing, singing and compulsive no sleep disorder syndrome we all suffer when put together. The fights where we drenched each other with buckets on perfectly laid beds, the stealing of daadis special aam paapdi after a lot of strategic planning! The mid night matke ki ice creams and how 17 of us fit into one maruti van looking for Paan in Bangalore. I guess I can go on and on, the list is endless. This is the first time in the last 3 years that I have not met them for such long times. I am guessing, a wedding needs to happen and I know who they shall point to. Thanks for being the craziest sets of cousins. I don't think you read my blogs but heck, you will know anyways!

Besides cousin nostalgia, its a strange day where I am not sleepy or hungry and bored to turn off the TV and go play my drums. Exercise and guilt beckons!

And then it dawned!

I looked at those sinful eyes!
I knew it was not them but me that wanted to be led.
There is a charm in seeing you tease.
Just as there is beauty in how you can lose yourself
I have never seen anyone be "one" as you did with your love
That moment made me empty and complete
It was that moment that hit me!
Alluding to what possibilities exist
I knew then, what I was missing all this while!

Evolution?

We all work so hard and then destroy. Evolution is it? Solace is that at least this time its probably a better clone!