If you are pre-occupied with life and death then you aren't ready for heaven.
--Anonymous
Well well I am not sure what I am pre-occupied and busy with. But work is a good excuse, thoughts not so much!! I am assured the quality of my life needs to get better, I am just struggling with the fixes! So much has happened and yet nothing significant to recount. I strive to keep up with a few updates. Assuming someone will some day be interested in this all.
Amidst the busy days I yet find time to dream!! My life is heaven! -- Me
It was just
another day. They all woke up to get on with the mundane. He did not stop to
notice how beautiful the locks of her hair looked when sunshine cast a spell.
She started to straighten things back into years of togetherness shared in a
home. Time ticked on, they shared their lives – a bed, a home, their meals
sometimes. Years of their marriage were cast as trophies around the house in
the form of collectibles. It was hard to
imagine where all of it began. The background music of a distant bark or cheer
on the television broke the balance intermittently. There she was getting on dutifully
– cooking, cleaning and being a good wife. He was aware of her existence and
she was too. The door bell rang – cutting through the silence and there was a stranger
who knocked at the wrong house. Their eyes met, they shared a glance. There she
was struggling to carry a heavy piece of baggage while cleaning the room. The
stranger walked up, held it for her while she continued to clean. They looked
again, smiled and the stranger left. He continued to read the paper while she
looked at the mirror, fixed her hair and smiled. The stranger left holding onto
a fragrance and carrying the picture of a beautiful face which was etched forever
in the heart.
Life goes
on and we all find our balances, its just a question of which balance do we settle for- Two empty scales or two full ones or perhaps something in between.
Quotes that randomly crept when the fireplace was lit and the mind was let loose
I don't lie, I just tell people what ought to be the truth!
Houses with large mirrors are good for the ego! #Godblessmylandlady
Fall fall till you succeed! #Iceskating #Lessonsinlife
Need to stay away from #chocolate! Without resolution;-)
Drumming was the only thing I was ever good at - John Bonham! I think I would re-phrase it as ' Drumming is the only thing that makes me alive!' #Realization
My rant in a diary could be torn! I could say sorry and ask my friends to forgive me and hope that it is forgotten in time. I can't delete e-mails I have sent or remarks I have made or delete traces of data I have left in the internet space! #Realization
Bump on my head- Attempt to clean the house oblivious to objects that are dangerous by their sheer presence in 'Meetas' house! #Selfrealization
I know!! The only thing that keeps me awake at night or ticking in the day is that - 'I don't know!!' #SelfRealilzation
Watching the leaves fight against the wind and finally give up! #Autumn
Life often poses you with 'what-if' situations. There are times when I know exactly what I want and do not find it. And then there are also times when I am completely clueless about what I really want and life keeps throwing things at me. I wish this when that happens and I get that when this is supposed to happen! So 'what if' that had happened, or if today was another time and day?? Easy questions that lead to never ending thoughts with no end.Sometimes 'what -if's' just make us realize that what we have today is making us unhappy and maybe we need to set out on a new path of discovery and be brave enough to give up what we question and actually start to find. We have to be brave enough to also realize that maybe at the end of that quest we discover that we gave up exactly what we were looking for. Life is about taking risks, finding out and willing to accept that we may not find but still we should look. Belief is an interesting dimension. Experts say you have to believe for things to happen! However at the end it is easier if you don't believe to deal with the eventuality of not finding. I guess I am not sure what triggered this blog, other than a deep reflective mood, deep emotions clouding my thinking. I am feeling and for the first time I do not know what, worse still I cannot comprehend this feeling...I just know that it has made me silent, made my mind reflect, made me stoic and I know these emotions are here because when I let go and get liberated from them, I will feel a new energy. I know that these emotions bring out expressions in the form of posts, stories, imagination, music and thoughts.
I spent the day doing a lot of things, the best part was a ride which was a free fall for 8 seconds. However, on another ride, (the one that took me high, got me twisted 360 degree looking down) I felt I was truly alone! High up, looking down in motion I was alone and also scared! I was scared of being alone in a large crowd. I was scared of not belonging, I was afraid of being disconnected. It is in that moment a realization dawned, I am missing something, I am feeling something, I just need to let this one stay and figure it out. I need to acknowledge feelings beyond my mind, I need to just feel for a bit. Suddenly the ride stopped, so did the noise and I was deaf to all the screaming. I could not see beyond blurred images around me and I could not feel myself as I was numb and cold!
I walked back tired and was wondering - 'What-if' I had not taken that ride today.....
There is always some joy when things happen the way you expect them to. There is a bigger joy if what happens is what you really really wanted as opposed to knew and did not want.
Sometimes I wish I could capture some moments. Like when one gets a reply to an sms they anticipated, or when a child finds a gift from Santa when it wakes up on Christmas day. Don't most of us in our minds create a plan based on anticipation or reactions we hope for? And optimism prevails in most lives! However, with this imagination comes disappointment too. But is it really possible to not expect or have any pre-conceived notions of our lives?
I am at a strange juncture of my life, where I want or desire things I cannot have, where I have given up on big things and look forward to very small things. Yet, I have not mastered the art of non-anticipation. I realized for all the science that I read, I am a believer in a larger power, I am believer of circumstance, destiny and magical connections. I have been disproved several times and yet I believe this is what adds to the charm of my life. I used to believe in what someone once taught me - If you really want something you will get it. If not you never wanted it enough. Maybe I have forgotten the art of wanting or maybe I need to get scientific again. Whatever it is, there is a lesson that needs to be learnt and I am stubborn about not wanting to learn it.
There is poetry I sent out to you.
There is a silence still, that I left out there!
There is a fragrance left to remind you.
There might even be chatter everywhere!
There is a glance that stemmed from my emotion;
There is a thought woven in that mist.
There is the said and the unsaid story!
There is a dash of lemon in that twist.
I look and find what I want so bad.
Though I mostly see it with closed eyes!
Sometimes I know I will never find,
What I was looking for in the dark night skies!
I guess it has been a rather long day. However the last few days with instruments and access to them (courtesy the vacation) has got me addicted(almost). While the day started with 1 hour of drumming and forcing myself to get up and leave, I also realized just how much there is to see if you keep your eyes open. I had to get my pair of footwear fixed and was most intrigued by the folks I saw at a cobbler stand at 8.00 a.m. There were random people wanting to sit and read the telgu news paper. There was also an old man almost committed to the cause of the cobbler and was busy keeping all customers seated and at ease whilst the guy did his job. Only later I found out that he wasn't related to the guy but just someone who did not know how else to while away time. The engineering needed to fix a shoe made me want to go back to a workshop and really get down to fixing, cutting, welding and whatever else. There is so much joy in the sheer mechanics of physical craftsmanship! You work on an object and you see an end product!
I finally completed my pending list of daunting and most mundane tasks- Taxes, Claims and Bills ! I discovered when I filed my travel claims, I almost re-lived most moments of my trip. "Recalling" is a strange word and a strange phenomenon. It was in those moments that I realized that I had a lot going on in my mind. I was aware of a few effects and only today realized the cause. I seem to be oscillating between clear and unclear territories. Exciting and depressing times. I am doing things that I cant seem to understand and yet been in control of most parts of my day. It takes a few bills and "recalling" and quiet time to realize that maybe your mind can think clearly and unclearly at the same time. I have been in the moment and away so many times that I did not realize it this far. I am amazingly ambivalent at this phase of my life. I guess I have submitted my claims and that shall apparently settle the trip and clear my mind. Aah so easy apparently:-) if only the mind was so easy to please!
I did get back to my harmonium the last few days and its amazing how easily I can suddenly "recall" the lessons I learnt for a few months in my 2nd grade. I remember the Hindustani key notes, the fingers and the non-stop practice - mastering speed and precision. I also remember how the teacher left and my lessons came to a stop. I finally never found a Hindustani harmonium teacher again. I had a book of harmonium lessons stacked in my stash of books. I realized I have come so far and yet have to go back to where it all began. I can of course re-play the lessons in 5 mins now as opposed to 5 days of practice years ago. I can read a lot faster and move my fingers at a much faster pace. All the years of moving my fingers on keyboards of different sorts has made it easier. All the "no years" of learning has taken me back to learning from that book today. I started to read and learn about Hindustani classical music last night till late hours. Played the harmonium even to try out a few things at random hours of the night, thought about it through the day and finally got back home and been playing on my Harmonium for whatever part of the day is left.
Every one has a few favorites and mine for today during this late hour is "Raag Darbari Kanada". Listening to this
recording just made me imagine an empty palace with a large courtyard and a broken man sitting in the midst, below the moon surrounded by a cold structure of white marble. Suppressed and yet wanting to let go and then he almost gets into a trance singing and wakes up in a dream at the end of it. I guess my imagination has always been an overkill but I guess this is what came to my mind. It possibly a reflection of my state of mind or maybe my madness!
I also know that imagination is a good escape from reality. Reality is only perception! My perceptions sees:
Jet planes, mid night jogs;
Mirco breweries, early morning fogs.
An endless wait; a constant need!
Garden breakfasts and planting seeds.
An empty airport a sleepless mind!
Perfumes so many and yet just one of a kind!
Excitement, Rush, Desire Afar;
Long conversations driving in a car.
I can go on about reflections I see
I guess that was also just mee!
I guess I started my evening with a wrecked back and wondered why everyday turns out so different from what I plan it to be. I am not the sorts who ever complains about life, but I guess one just finds a reason to behave otherwise. At times I live with ghosts of the past casting over dreams of a future. I often lose myself trying to understand who I really am. What I discover scares me like when I put my hand into an old box and find a dead rat or something.
"We could drift together, and find our ways, if we did end up besides each other, maybe we were meant to be". Thoughts, instances gushing through my head. Maybe it is time I pick up the pen and write that story after all. When I looked back and thought about my take on relationships, I realized I so totally believed in destiny. I so believed in letting be, I so believe in something out there driving every conversation, every smile, every stare, every kiss. Why then do I still look at being true to my moment and going all out to get what I desire if I do desire it. Not by asking but by being, hoping and waiting to be desired just the same. Hoping one desire is destined with another. I do remember a few moments of beauty woven by destiny and I do remember how it felt when the flame from the match burned out just before the moment did. I remember feeling that gush, desiring that one moment, fighting against all that can be for it...yet knowing maybe I will see you and you wont look back or notice. It does not matter what matters to you, what does matter is if I am true to what matters to me. I am sure one fine day I will be cynical of the drifting feathers wading their way through life. I will maybe come back to Sydney and like it. I will get a chance to actually go ask what I want or stand up and scream at the end of the cliff, letting go of my utopic belief in open spaces or in black skies!
I have traversed a zillion streets in my life time. Yet every street has a unique memory etched in my mind. Streets, your mode of transport and the music you play when you pass by, just set a context, a memory in your mind. All streets have a culture, so unique that it can only be experienced. Often who you cross that road with plays a role. Sometimes its just the thoughts and emotions you carry.
I drove past all places that looked so familiar and yet so out of context. Its funny, there are streets I have gone past a zillion times and yet never noticed that little flower that has always been looking out into my face. Billboards have changed, jungles are turned into black serpents that crawl across the city. Small houses have become large gigantic card like structures, space has become scarce. The smell from the air has changed and so has the perfume in my car. I pulled down the windows hoping to feel the raw! My nose struggled, maybe my eyes were just not supportive. In that moment of struggle I felt like a stranger today.I felt like it wasn't the roads but maybe "me" who has changed! The music continued to play, cars continued to honk, and I just sat there numb echoing - " Tumse yun milenge, humne socha na tha....aur yeah zindagi!"
Life is very fragile and all twines delicately woven...Balance is the key to equilibrium...and yet the most interesting moments are stirred by the imbalances. I have had an interesting day and all I can say is that I have felt, a variety of things. I have learnt from small moments. I have spoken to myself, I have been busy, free, hurt and touched. I cannot describe the day, but been listening to a song by R.E.M
Very cliched and possibly odd but so what??
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone, When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on) If you feel like letting go, (hold on) When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long, When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes, Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on Everybody hurts. You are not alone
And so I believe hurt is company!;-) I am about to crash, knowing that realization has dawned yet again and am I glad!
Every time I walk, thoughts rush past. I wish I had a voice recorder and I just captured those fleeting pieces of randomness. Anyways, off late sleeplessness has had the better of me and watching the fan in the emptiness of my room, I have had several strings of conversations with myself. Today was a lovely evening, wonderful weather and just looking at the green trees brush themselves against each other was soothing. I realized, if you open your ears, you will see. One sense leads to so many others and someday I hope, all of them can work in unison to give you a perfect experience. Its like the eyes, you look at them and it draws you to something more deep. Or a voice that you can listen to that makes you smell the fragrances just like that.Been reading a book - Difficult daughters. Given to me years ago...pretty good so far, talks about a woman who lived life torn between being herself, a sister, a lover and mother. I wonder why, we take so many different forms and why can't we just be. Some even get past life never meeting themselves. What a pity! I have had bouts of absolute ecstasy and depression all at once in the last few days. I used to wonder which part is true- the left or the right of my brain! How is it possible to experience pain and joy all at once in the same moment? I guess, this makes me wonder if finding the answer is the purpose of life even or is the purpose of life just experiencing it? In fact should life even have a purpose or is the purpose insignificant?
I watch the sky every night Looking for a star, a sign, a something All I rejoice is "Nothing"! All I experience is the "Quest" And yet I know, tomorrow the sky will be different.
Enough randomness for a day! Will now go back to my playlists and sleeplessness.
Will I ever know what I started? Will my thoughts rumble past like they always do? Will I be able to pen down the random rushing thoughts in my viens? Do I live knowing how my day will turn out? Gosh! Answers I seek of questions unknown. Songs I know, make me happy, a golden ray and wow! euphoric I am.I wish I see a bird fly past - freer than anything I know. Its strange how knowing is not enough, experiencing is what matters.
I gather anything that lasts in your mind for longer than trivial details of routine, should be categorized as a monumental moment worth mention in the blog-spot. My romance with blogging has not quite kicked off as yet….however 3 years ago in the rush and madness of sweat, urgency and still some endless zeal, began another love story , abond, a romance still strong in my heart- that between Mumbai and Me.
Like most good romantic stories it started off with hatred going strong….I am sure most of you would concur, that life does not feelparticularly uplifted when everyone around seems to be rushing for somewhere and is so lost that ouch! Stamping your foot does not quite get noticed…Wading your way through any road close to the station calls for extra- ordinary skills of – “Find an empty spot and rush for it and fight fight your way till u recede and give up!!”Also making it for an 11.01 train is as important as winning the Olympics and intact limbs (who cares!!) Cos the next one is at 11.05 (4 whole precious minutes of battling time wasted). Being short in locals ensures you get to smell variety of arm-pits wondering if deodorants manufacturers ever had a position for – “smell-icalist” who could actually help them list down the variants they need to battle.
Anyways clean roads, empty roads, your own space, quiet walk -these were like alien terms in this city and I just hated every moment I had to live here. Then came the monsoons- pitter patter rain drops…Living in the industrial belt did not quite help...I was contemplating buying a boat to ease me off some worries in life. Keeping a spare in office was a trick I had not quite mastered and wondered why I was the only idiot who looked wet, soggy and rainy in any meeting at work.
But amidst all of this discomfort somewhere I started to fall in love too …with the energy, activity, chaos and new life I had found for myself. It was the sort of life I had always dreamt of having…but had never imagined would be…
It was probably in the quiet walks in the noise at Marine Drive, long waits in endless queues for dinner at a favorite restaurant or the long rides on the quintessential aircraft that took me across town – The Bajaj Priya. It blossomed I gather, with the excitement of living alone, independent doing crazy things like singing at 1.00 am to our neighbors surprise, chatting by the window, running miles across just to be able to watch a movie…Trying our luck at a play when all tickets were sold out…and actually getting to watch it… (Persistence and pleading pays folks!!) It’s in the numerous streets traversed, the doing nothing, the wonderful house-mate, the friends made and the experiences shared...
From the summer of May when I started as an outsider, to the rains in August – 3 years, so much was lived, felt and experienced - I was transformed. When boarding that last flight back to the city which was home – Bangalore …I felt I did not belong anywhere anymore and it felt like the longest journey made. Being back here after a year again…when I stare at the same building, roads and people, all comes back in a flash and I wish that in this one moment I can take back all that I lived and loved …but its probably only so much that one can hold on to…and only so much one can live….
I thought i started trying to hold a handful ..... But i am left with only "A speck of sand in my hands…"
