Nostalgia and new memories

Nostalgia is almost like a compulsive stalker! It takes you back in time to the strangest of moments. Often I have found myself in a new moment, struggling to comprehend its purpose and entirety. I then experience it and end up cherishing it only in retrospect when its too late or gone!

'Life'! my dear friends can be rather short.  All I can say is that hold on to all that you live and experience in the 'now' and be glad if nostalgia stalks you, when you are bored, idle or lost. As it may just make you smile or experience what you missed out back then! If not it will end up eating into a perfectly new beautiful moment and play spoilsport.

Who am I? Where did I come from?

Clearly, there was an India when I grew up. An India that influenced me heavily in becoming who I am today.  There was a city, Bangalore that I called home, there were things that constituted my world. The world around me was complex, it was that of a middle class household, modest life style, an awareness of the poor and the touch-points with the elite and the rich which kind of made the journey rather complete in its own way. However, despite how complex India was, life was truly simple!

I realized if I ever had to define myself, my core would come from that world. It was influenced by realizing and experiencing the value of money. It was about having a steadfast respect for education and a relentless faith in hard-work.

Using public transport kept me grounded to all people that constituted society. Conversing with strangers over long rides in the Indian Railway coaches,  made be bond with diversity of religion/region/food and class. Going every summer to the small towns in Madhya Pradesh and spending my vacation in villages, made me appreciate the small bits of comfort I had in our humble abode in Bangalore. Spending my time in the South taught me why music/fine arts and intellect can be wrapped in simplicity of a house with just basics and only essentials. Whilst spending summers in the North of India made me realize that there is sometimes joy in just taking risks and being fearless about experimenting and coming home and enjoying some indulgence. My world was a microcosm of so many contradictions that at a very early age I had to think and make choices and choose things that became my identity overtime. I had the time and space to think while cycling peacefully home after a long day or when there was an electricity outage and all of us friends would just be out on the streets chatting. Life was busy, physically exhausting, but I just felt like I had time and space and there was not too much to clutter my mind.

Far away from those years, I just look around and I am in London, on a couch, typing on a computer which of course brings the entire world right next to me, one click or search away. I have all the time to experience virtually. I can read the story of the making of the Indian railways, I can even get the map and explore the stations I passed every summer on my way from Bangalore to Delhi. I can probably get back to India from London in lesser time than what I spent travelling to Delhi. I can read about classical music, I can even find my little village on google map. But what I see is clutter, data and information. These days I cannot seem to find the space and time to assimilate what I experience and actually absorb from it. I cannot find time to reflect and make choices. I just feel overwhelmed with it all. In all this comfort, I want to slide back on a uncomfortable sleeper coach or sit by the street light of Rajajinagar chatting away with my friends waiting for the electricity to come back. I don't know the right or wrong of it all, all of the above are just opinions and not judgement of any sorts. I guess I am for now energized to cage my thoughts and times and start to tell you stories of when I was a child!

Hopefully I do get down to doing it.

Emotions

Emotion - one of the biggest highs and lows of life. I am so turned on by emotion, it is unbelievable. I get so disturbed by the lack of it, that it is scary. I translate it into so many varied expressions, I wonder if it does come out the way I want it to.

Either ways what the heck - the mind drives the heart or the heart drives the mind, who knows. I feel and hence I am alive!

Watching another fabulous movie Trikal - Past Present and Future by Shyam Benegal! I wonder if I can just feel or really tell a story!

Wisdom - cannot be taught, needs to be discovered

It is very hard to find common ground amongst people unwilling to see, listen or comprehend.  Answers should never be given, answers need to be discovered. Its best to point a person to an experience that helps them find!

I want to break free

Its one of those days when I don't want to think. I want to sing. I want to tap my fingers. I want to just feel the fresh air, the light and the flesh inside of me. I want be free of my ties, my thoughts, my mails, my texts, my books, my computer and wander about. I want to just be one with those notes that I sing! I want to be lost in those beats that I hear even when nothing is playing. I want to possibly just empty myself of everything inside of me and fill myself with possibly what matters the most – peace??freedom? or nothing?

Big Ben

Not a long time ago, I lived in Bangalore. Its actually been 2 whole years since I have moved countries, moved homes and started on what almost seems like a whole new life. The premise of this life was based on leaving a lot behind. Funnily, after 2 years of finding myself in a new place I realized - there is a lot I have found, a lot I have lost and a lot is yet to be explored.

I have truly learned to let go - how else can one make a fresh start. I have learned to detach and reattach. I have discovered music which is probably the most important aspect of my life today. I love London - like I love any city I live in. I love the streets/trains/experiences/big ben/ food/ heathrow airport. I am yet to find a comfort zone in it which comes from finding friends/conversations and looking at spots and remembering good ol times. The city is truly beautiful! The city offers a cultural experience hard to find anywhere else in the world. I associate London with percussion. I associate London with walks.

I am not sure what I set out to write but maybe London was lingering on my mind. Maybe it was because I did step out of the tube late at night to catch a glimpse of the most beautiful structure - 'Big Ben 'standing stoic late at night. Like someone just put together molten wax and created a structure so delicate like icing on a cake. Yet it stood strong like a timeless piece telling me, no matter when or no matter how I visit London - with a backpack or walking past from work. It will be the only thing that will never change!!

The year gone by - 2012

Take the plunge – you may never find out otherwise. Life is a bitch and a fairy tale! All depends on perspective! Wise people have often said the same things and crystallized the essence of life into simple one lines! Humans indignantly battle this truth and finally almost like a prophecy coming true, realization strikes! But experience we must. This year has been about experiencing a new home, writing lesser than I had promised to, chasing a few dreams, giving up a few and about simplifying my life. I have been displaced a lot more from my beliefs about belonging, purpose and desire. Primarily reconciling to the fact that physical confines and boundaries are merely a way of looking at a world setup in the medieval times. Purpose can be found in solemn dreams and desire can be fulfilled inside one self. The most notable aspect of this year was the musical journey. Structure strangely creates an unforced restrain in creativity which makes the pursuit almost exponentially more charming. All these years I just knew sounds that added beats to tunes, now I know how to just look at time as a new dimension that can dance a ballad with musical notes. I discovered so many new people, made so many new strong bonds and formed a queer new bond with myself. I am happy for 2012 has ended and I have several new impressions to add to my personality. How though will 2013 turn out? We shall see.