Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Black Swan

There is something about the dark which is also perfect.
You unleash, you let go, you come to terms with your inner self.
There is something about black that makes the hue complete.
It stains, it covers, it tarnishes, daub it over and you erase the white!

I have in me passion that stems from ghosts of my own making.
I have in me desire waiting to unravel in a moment ripe in spite.
I have in me venom stemming from the marvels of the day.
I have in me a song unsung to shatter the noise inside my soul.

Take over and let me out of bounds;
Ignite me to burn into ash the dead inside me.
Let the beauty be raw and undesirable at show.
I promise I will stand all white waiting to live again!


Inspired by the movie Black Swan!

Anything I write about the movie will not do justice to what I felt when I saw the movie. Sheer genius comes live in the story, the telling and the performance. I know I will always watch this movie and go back to the dark looking for something, feeling like the dark sides of me are after all not an illusion. The movie kept me absorbed all through. The story has me thinking beyond my sleep, the performance was flawless, the direction and camera work simply perfect! I recommend you watch the movie. I know I will many a times again.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Who am I?

I have been on a journey of self realization, pondering and discovery off late. Just wanted to jot down things that came to my mind. 
  • I love free flow more than structure.
  • I am curious but not to conclude.
  • I like shades and not defined colours.
  • I appreciate small things but dislike details.
  • I enjoy logic, but know that there is randomness behind reason.
  • I have not mastered or even gotten close to knowing how to communicate.
  • I have to do something about an idea in my mind in the first few minutes of its inception. Else I know I never will!
  • I always reconcile very quickly with behavioral realities of people, even if it is something I do not completely understand. In the process I have begun to forget what I truly agree with.
  • Human behaviour can be understood and not many have the time to delve into it beyond words, actions and discover intent.
  • I would probably be very unhappy if things would turn out to be exactly how they seemed.

There is a pattern to me and I am beginning to discover it. I am not sure where this phase of discovery is going to end. All I know is that it is sometimes extremely taxing to spend time with yourself to understand; as it might be relaxing to unwind into the soul. Someday, I might again jot down a few notes and the blogging world just might help me reconcile the change!

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Untitled!

There are twisted spaces and there are thoughts galore! Images, imagination, reality, words all casting disconnected impressions. There are zones of black dangerously lurking around; showing up in random colours. Tame it, let it be or decipher the patterns. Win over or succumb, choices sometimes are never yours! Mystery, memory, desire and fixed ways; all emerge and converge in a whirl out here. You know I can never describe you in totality or even make sense if I say it in parts!

Of wanting and getting!

There is always some joy when things happen the way you expect them to. There is a bigger joy if what happens is what you really really wanted as opposed to knew and did not want.

Sometimes I wish I could capture some moments. Like when one gets a reply to an sms they anticipated, or when a child finds a gift from Santa when it wakes up on Christmas day. Don't most of us in our minds create a plan based on anticipation or reactions we hope for? And optimism prevails in most lives! However, with this imagination comes disappointment too. But is it really possible to not expect or have any pre-conceived notions of our lives?

I am at a strange juncture of my life, where I want or desire things I cannot have, where I have given up on big things and look forward to very small things. Yet, I have not mastered the art of non-anticipation. I realized for all the science that I read, I am a believer in a larger power, I am believer of circumstance, destiny and magical connections. I have been disproved several times and yet I believe this is what adds to the charm of my life. I used to believe in what someone once taught me - If you really want something you will get it. If not you never wanted it enough. Maybe I have forgotten the art of wanting or maybe I need to get scientific again. Whatever it is, there is a lesson that needs to be learnt and I am stubborn about not wanting to learn it.

There is poetry I sent out to you.
There is a silence still, that I left out there!
There is a fragrance left to remind you.
There might even be chatter everywhere!

There is a glance that stemmed from my emotion;
There is a thought woven in that mist.
There is the said and the unsaid story!
There is a dash of lemon in that twist.

I look and find what I want so bad.
Though I mostly see it with closed eyes!
Sometimes I know I will never find,
What I was looking for in the dark night skies!

Friday, February 04, 2011

Time...

Some times I find it hard to get past a few hours. Sometimes there is just so much to do! Despite the fact that time is ticking by and our experiences get summed up over its axis, I wonder if there is any other dimension that controls our lives as much? A lot of people find it hard to find time and yet  I know some that are literally whiling it in my view. Though I claimed that I am unable to strike a balance with contradictions to my personality, I think I have in a lot of ways managed to strike a balance and mostly find time for things that I care about.

People, Music, Work, Experimenting with everything in life, Art, Fitness and myself! 

I seldom find 24 hours too little and maybe it is because I do not value sleep as much. Or maybe it is because in everything I do, I try and find passion and joy! Some people tell me it is probably because I am a free bird not responsible for any other life or lives. But come on, aren't we all free or bound by our own making? Anyways, I am glad I have struck a balance, despite the corporate life that binds a lot of us and mostly it is also thanks to people around me that make this time killing a joy ride!

Unsaid and Unspoken

She silently watched as he walked past. The glance implied something more. Almost magically they connected. Discovering the contours of their personalities. It is possible to fit into something that might be empty. But how does one fit around spaces of something and someone already full? There is excitement in the unknown, just as there is an unexplained desire to belong and be sure. Silences followed by spaces, intensity broken by distances and contours turning into zones started to all define something. They were fluid but is that enough? Do we either fit or not? They moved from unclaimed to defined, from hazy contours to boundaries, from feeling to knowing and from being to planning and yet they had so much more to discover. He walked past yet again, this time she watched and the glance did imply something. It meant they were connected, they knew and the possibly the knowing killed it all or possibly they yet fit into each others lives in more defined ways.

A quote comes to my mind just like that:

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
- Dorothy Nevil.

Similarly
"Relationships are about knowing as much as leaving spaces to be found or kept unknown!"

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Of stationary microphones and Annual Days

After long I got a chance to go watch an annual day celebration. Technology has taken over, economic boom is visible in the setup, but the performances remain cute as ever! I was just taken back into memory lane. I studied in a Kendriya Vidyalaya for a significant part of my life (And thank god for that). It really meant, I spent most Saturday's in what was then called - Co-Curricular Activities. These ranged from Debates, Skits, Extempore speeches, Singing, Instrumental, Reading, Poetry Reading and what not. It also meant that most of the week was spent either preparing or in anticipation of this day.

"Annual Day's" meant practice sessions for months. We were never blessed with fancy equipment, digital technology and dances always meant - Live play back singing! I remember working on costumes, stage setup, electrical fittings and even fixing instruments and making our own drum kit.

My first appearances on stage started in LKG. Where I was asked to deliver the "Vote of thanks" on our sports day. God I wonder now why we thanked the world in those speeches. I apparently delivered the speech confidently from behind a podium and was just not visible. Finally the teacher lifted me and put me on a table when people were clapping.

In my 2nd standard I participated in a puppet skit where, real kids pretended to be puppets and I was the lead protagonist called -"Dhanno Bai". I remember I was a nagging wife who kept asking her husband why he did not bring back fish after the long day at work!

Though I loved percussion, I ended up always playing the harmonium for group songs because I could sing and play and also we had a few other percussionists but no other harmonium player. However I always more than made up for it for all group dances where I ruled the bongos! A few popular numbers were:
  • "Resham Ka Rumaal- I sang and played"
  • A naga dance with all my friends dressed in leaves - "Humba ho Humba", 
  • A bihu number:" Jigor Nouton Digon tolai" and more.

Every annual day had boring long speeches at the start, prize distribution ceremonies and then the fun events. There was always a grand finale every year and every year when I heard the applause I did wish, some day I could sit out there in the audience and watch. Watch how our timing was, how the play back sounded or how the lighting worked. Every year, the stage opened with a few hands pulling the curtains and the stage closed...there was energy, enthusiasm and a lot of hard work that came to light between the two. People forgot, performances went bad and yet every time the parents clapped.

Watching the toddlers perform was an amazing experience. Watching the super excited parents even more amusing. Some day I wish I can go back to teaching at school. Some day I wish I can go back to my school and just once more stand on that stage and leave my fears behind!

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Striving to strike a balance

I have been bothered by my inability to strike a balance! I wish I could just think less, ponder less, care less and be brutal at times. I have such random sides to myself that I sometimes wonder how one personality exists with all these dichotomies! I want to be blunt, but I end up being polite. I want to let go, I force myself to hold on. I want to give up and yet I work hard. I want to stay fit and yet I succumb to temptations! I want to be quiet and yet I speak! I wanted to just figure this out in my head and yet here I am writing a blog!