And then it dawned!

I looked at those sinful eyes!
I knew it was not them but me that wanted to be led.
There is a charm in seeing you tease.
Just as there is beauty in how you can lose yourself
I have never seen anyone be "one" as you did with your love
That moment made me empty and complete
It was that moment that hit me!
Alluding to what possibilities exist
I knew then, what I was missing all this while!

Of longing and life!

Longing they say rouses desire
Owning the art of possession.
Dreaming creates realities you long for.
Knowing always leads to doubt!

It is not enough to long or own
Dream or know!
It is "dealing with" that after all defines
One life from another.

I guess I ramble on with each day. Something that struck my mind today is a quote I read:

Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Laws of attraction? Or rules of faith!

Rules they say are rules. When a bunch of intellectuals delve deep into them, contemplate and after years of analysis ratify a rule, it might just turn into law. Someone told me, we are a society which needs a construct, a boundary to actually co-exist. So in some ways the construct and the boundary are imposing on our choices. So are we existing within a bunch of rules or do we just live in the confines of law? In someways it is an anti-thesis of freedom. Somehow the world and statistics seem to rule our lives. Majority individuals agree to one way and that becomes a norm, slowly it becomes an unwritten rule and soon it will become law. Can I be different from the rest of the world? Yes apparently, only if there is no law that I cant be different. I wonder if Buddhism started against law or if Nirvana was a way of accepting laws without question or conforming without question because after all one would be outside of that sphere of influence in their minds at least!

Anyways all I know is that I am glad law makers are not breaking their heads right now about how many blogs I can or cannot type today or actually determining when is a good time to get home. Though they have made it harder for most of us to stay out later in the night. I know law in Mumbai of some sort said people cant hold hands and sit on Marine drive. Was that a rule or a law or just the policeman's point of view I wonder. For now, I know that law or otherwise, I stand for freewill, a free mind and freedom. Of course the assumption I make is that freedom of self does not deter freedom of another. The biggest flaw of my theory I guess. I did break a law today and jumped a red signal. But I also did not rule out the possibility of being fined for it. I did tell myself I shall not do so again! Sometimes one can stand for the right and be left behind! Or one might leave and just be right about it. I am not a quitter or an abider or a law breaker. I am just figuring out with each day, how life should be led and my life this far makes me head towards my next choice or next idea in my head about how my day should be. For all those of you who make laws and rules, I think its a lot of hardwork! Do work hard, whilst I hope to catch some sleep.

Passion not fashion!

Is passion a good thing? I always wondered. It drains a lot of thought, seeks a lot of focus and most importantly just makes stuff mean a whole lot. Some people get past life without intensity. They are the ones who can re-adjust, re-focus, change and possibly cope with life better. The intense ones always seek a lot more, finding it harder to let go and adapt to change. The experience! some might argue is what life is about. But at the end of it- sometimes I wonder, is it really? I mean what if life was finally an end result and some get exactly there with less work?

All of this comes to my mind because maybe today I am at crossroads between passion and passion (really) again! I wonder if it is time I even give myself another choice or do I just succumb and accept this is me! Though I know, I can let go, I know I can move on, but the moment is what does it for me! It has to be true, complete and passionate! So is there really hope for me or will I need an energy drink at the end of life for how tiring it might have been?

Dark Temptations

Chocolates they say are best dark!
Sometimes minty!
Wrapped like temptation,
Waiting to lure...

There you are sitting at the cafe
Reading a book, texting, sipping on coffee
Wondering? Maybe about why iguanas are they way they are!
Or contemplating how the next hour would go past.

The dark temptation catches your eye
Wondering if it would pine and lie covered.
Or will it today unwrap and melt to be one with you!
You look, wink, reach out and seem distracted and text again!

The feeling of being held is amazing
The wait daunting.
Pressed to reply, you put it down.
Slowly you start to unwrap the indulgence.

You nibble, savor, continue to seek the music
It takes a moment to revel the taste
It takes a moment for it to begin to melt
You read, look at your phone and just continue to wonder

Over many such wraps and unwraps, you get to the last bite
The delight knows not, how many expressions you displayed!
The last of it is left wondering..."Did you love it?
Now that I am one with you, I wonder....

Would you be tempted if it was just me?
Or would it take a book, the cafe, the music,
the romance, the texts, the iguanas
To all come together and get me to melt in you?"

Oh well temptation will never know and the tempted will savor the chocolate as dark as it may seem!

When flights are long

Its a long journey....
My fingers are crossed:-d
My mind half shut!
Eyes blind but open.

I play my music to shut me off.
And yet time inches slowly...
Is this about faith or learning to let go?
I know i have to wait and then i ll know.

This time it seemed the door did not shut
Before i arrived,
I believe! And yet skeptical I am
Willing to be lured by surprises and unmoved by destiny.

Have you ever felt like life can be paused, the world can go by.
Or you can run and the world stands still. And yet it would not make a difference.
That is when like Buddha says: "Maybe we come to terms with the fact that we are alone after all; and the world a trajectory for several individual trespassers"

When one travels 10000 miles!

Today has been a strange day. I have not had much to do or had the excitement to make the most of the last day in this almost second home called the "Bay Area". Every time I do get on a plane to come to the US. I am super excited because I do get to see and meet most of my strongest connections in life. All my friends from ever and all known paths to traverse. However almost every time, I wait to get on that plane and get back. I guess I have in my mind figured out what is "home". There is something more compelling back here that wants me to go return. Is it the calm of my apartment? Is it the drive to work? Is it the music room that awaits when I get back from work? Is it my fishes? Or really is it the long tea breaks at work? The sunshine that I seek every morning? Or the moon that I guess I will begin to look out for every night? I don't know what it is but who cares! I had a very fulfilling trip and felt like I met the most important people that I cared for and in ways that made me happy. Thanks A, S and T for the lovely time I had in the bay. I thank all the babies who just made the trip worthwhile and also made me realize that I am ready or maybe not for motherhood! I feel very blessed for finding home so many miles away and for having the most wonderful friends who make life seem so worth it. Will miss you guys a lot more than I say I will. Yes! Yes! Even though I might want to board that plane. I know when I land I will miss those conversations, those bitching sessions, the coffee or tea rounds and the randomness. I will, I know always be told, I have the most weird set of friends. Well what else do you expect from a weirdo such as me!

Tagged about 20 before 40!

Tagging is the most horrendous way people can demonstrate their friendship. Tagging people on notes, acceptable. Tagging people in random event invites, acceptable. Tagging ugly boring photographs of yours from yester years!!?? Like hello! Just not done! However tagging people and nagging them to blog is kinda bearable.

So here I am tagged to write 20 things I would want to do before I am 40. I mean for gods sakes, I can't really imagine that I am talking 40 already!! Yikes!!


So here goes

001: Invent a device that prevents aging!
002: Buy an SUV and drive across the country in it
003: Learn DJ'ing and perform in a night club
004: Drum, drum and drum!
005: Break free from my job and do my own thing
006: Spend a few months in Paris
007: Fall insanely in love and not worry about how it will turn out! (Phew I have been doing that all my life) Maybe its time to change the pattern!
008: Get a tattoo!
009: Lose just a lil more weight and run a marathon
010: Direct a movie or a play!
011: Meet SRK!:-d
012: Take a trip to Mumbai with a friend of mine!:-p Friend are you listening??
013: Visit a lot of my fav places with interesting company - Greece, Egypt, Rome even!
014: Go learn the local African drums in Kenya
015: Build a large natural aquarium
016: Listen to some amazing musical concerts around the world
017: Write my book
018: Buy myself the entire Calvin & Hobbes collection
019: Open a perfume factory
020: Spend a whole lot of crazy time with interesting, diverse sets of people and just have a great time in life!

I guess none of these 20 might get ticked off...so adding one more:

Follow this blog up with a few more!

My random mind!

For the first time I wonder,
For the first time I care!
For the first time it matters,
For the fist time I wish or not to dare!

Will the picture emerge like that dream?
Will the eyes really be lost and willing to sink?
Will I get a chance, will I give myself?
Will I get back that retort to my wink?

I have become a moon watcher again
I have become a poet so random too
I have stopped looking for anything else around
I have become a stalker true!

Beyond and against what is right
Beyond and against what I am lead to be
Beyond and against not going down the road
Beyond and against what the world wants me to see!

Watching my way to glory!

Been a while, but more than writing I guess my weekends have been busy pursuing other boring pursuits. Playing the key board, bongos and watching a lot of movies and TV shows being some.

Hooked to " That 70's show"
Continuing to be desperate about "Desperate Housewives"
Caught up on:

Annie Hall: Made me realize how much I love Woodey Allen and his sense of humor
12 monkeys: An interesting but not very intriguing movie
Dabang: Aargh!
Anjaana Anjaani: Twice at that
Udaan: Just love this movie, made me feel for a movie after a very very long time

Few more, but can't recall.

I am sure when I look back in time, this would be one of those forced posts I got myself to write because I just felt like I owed it to my blog! Maybe I am outta ideas or maybe I am just forgetting my spellings. Whatever it is, I am happy that my blog would understand!

Together we are blind!

I started my day early, got a parking slot right in the front. Happy and smiley I was. After a long and tiring day I eventually get to my car and my foot finds its way straight into something. It was dark, I could barely see but..I could smell. I then turn on the flash light and see that my car has human poop all around. I was angry, bugged and just exasperated. Like which human poops around cars? Why do I work in an office where I cannot park my car in peace. Either I get scratches on my car or I am surrounded in the most hygienic of disinfectants. I see myself swearing at those souls that did this. Bugged, I drive back home just furious. I come home to a 3 bed roomed house with 3 washrooms, clean my shoes and continue to be angry. When the splash of water hits my feet, reality strikes me. A reality that I live in a country where more than 40% people do not have a house to live in, a bathroom to shelter their most private moments, a piece of cloth to protect themselves from the stormy rain or a meal to get them past a long laborious day. As a country we have been grappling with poverty, population for decades now. It angers me to see we have failed as a country, we have failed as citizens to do anything about this. I realize I am not angry with the poop, but with a nation that is actually full of folks who just learn to take shit, go back home drive in a luxurious car and cleanse their feet, wake up next morning ignoring the drudgery outside. I dont blame you reader, I dont blame anyone in particular, I just blame the community we form together, the nation that is us, the vision we all see putting our blind eyes together!

Remind me!

I am trying to remember.
What was I like before I made a few choices?
Did I chat long hours in silence or had some random stories to say?
If I did run impulsively across cities to catch a few fleeting moments?
If I had a picture of sunshine, frogs and hoped to catch a glimpse of that reflection up the hill?
If I found laughter in the most trivial of jokes and moments?
If I did think of a flaming in Mumbai that I would talk to and set free someday.
If I thought I would make a lot of smiles seem worthwhile and hold back tears for a good reason?
I am just trying to remember and thought maybe you might help.
Because I think the shadow that I left behind is closer to you than to me!

A Mind Game

Click, scroll, ping, poke (aaha!)
Hug, kiss, text, ring (:x)
Fleeting glance, whisking touch (...)
Poetry, jokes, songs (blah!)
Sensual dance, cryptic clues (hmm..)
Alcohol, sedation, burnt finger (ouch!)
Numb feet, Hair or Fair (?)
Mind Games afterall live on..Much beyond we do!

Letting Go

I guess I started my evening with a wrecked back and wondered why everyday turns out so different from what I plan it to be. I am not the sorts who ever complains about life, but I guess one just finds a reason to behave otherwise. At times I live with ghosts of the past casting over dreams of a future. I often lose myself trying to understand who I really am. What I discover scares me like when I put my hand into an old box and find a dead rat or something.

"We could drift together, and find our ways, if we did end up besides each other, maybe we were meant to be". Thoughts, instances gushing through my head. Maybe it is time I pick up the pen and write that story after all. When I looked back and thought about my take on relationships, I realized I so totally believed in destiny. I so believed in letting be, I so believe in something out there driving every conversation, every smile, every stare, every kiss. Why then do I still look at being true to my moment and going all out to get what I desire if I do desire it. Not by asking but by being, hoping and waiting to be desired just the same. Hoping one desire is destined with another. I do remember a few moments of beauty woven by destiny and I do remember how it felt when the flame from the match burned out just before the moment did. I remember feeling that gush, desiring that one moment, fighting against all that can be for it...yet knowing maybe I will see you and you wont look back or notice. It does not matter what matters to you, what does matter is if I am true to what matters to me. I am sure one fine day I will be cynical of the drifting feathers wading their way through life. I will maybe come back to Sydney and like it. I will get a chance to actually go ask what I want or stand up and scream at the end of the cliff, letting go of my utopic belief in open spaces or in black skies!

Bound to run, oh freewill

Am I living in an illusion or does life just teach us new realities everyday ? I always thought we could get by life with a few constructs binding us. "bind" the very word that defies freedom. However the minute we wrap our lives with interactions, people, relationships, somewhere we just throw the freewill outside the window. I have known that predicting, knowing, wanting, desire are all strong characteristics that define an individual but also takes away that freewill somewhere.

And yet I am unable to figure where I stand, closer to freewill or to people? Or do I border around schizophrenia that I fight everyday? I guess it is ok to sometimes lose yourself to freedom just as amazing it is to bind to love. However each moment is by itself bound to destiny....and it is destiny that eventually I am sinking into or running from.

Look, a thousand tangled paths in that sea!

I hated walking as a child. Gimme some wheels and I would be most happy. My parents got to believe they have given birth to the worlds laziest child who graduated from parents arms straight to prams, bicycles, bikes, scooters, scooties and then to a car! However, I have realized that what I loved the most was really to discover. To find trails, paths that seemed less treaded but were heading somewhere. To look for treasures, secrets, meaning and reflections of some story in natures puzzle that was scattered all over.

I remember the one time I discovered a well, with a broken wall, in the middle of acres of arid land. I looked inside and saw a snake and thought that the snake was guarding it all these years. I once hit upon at least 20 identical 4 walled stone houses completely haunted a few miles beyond humanity. I hid there all day waiting for the smugglers to show up.

I feel a quaint rush of happiness, almost every time I spot a tree, a bird a church , a pond or just some beauty that nature has created somewhere. I believe every road is connected to every other.We just need to traverse the possibilities. After years, of driving I got myself a bicycle and found myself drawn again to exploring newer trails. Only this time I believe I had a clouded mind and polluted roads to break away from with my iPod. Nothing else had changed, if we really look there are small hidden nooks all around hiding something our mind otherwise misses to notice. I have traversed the same path several times and yet found myself discovering something new every single time. I don't know if life really has a purpose or if exploring is a means or an end. However, I do believe that Bangalore is a lovely city, step out and explore a little bit and you will find remnants of Goa, Rajashthan, The Grand Canyons and Europe in it. I have found a key, I will I guess look for the lock someday. Until then

"Cycle par sawaar, fiza mai mashgool, sunna hai us shor ko.
Jo chupke se kanon ma garaj ke, kuch dikha jaata hai mere aks ko..."

Capture my mind, Can I?

Some random thoughts running right now.

• Just because so many paths exist, do we have to find em?
• Is stillness really this boring?
• Is history really about the past or just discovering something old and finding your own story in it?
• Is a memory more real or the moment? I believe I have memories of moments that never existed.
• Music and silence are both so beautiful. I wonder when I shall find my peace with noise?
• I believe I talk more now, however to myself and I have learnt to be content with it.
• I believe a movie is as good as the audience. I seem to delve in to each scene not looking at the story but at the piece of work for that moment and if that strikes me, I think the shot was worth it.
• Is home a collection of rooms or a collection of my routine?
• Will I be able to break away my monotony of thoughts and transcend them into blogs!?
  

Back to traveling and in Portland

Finally back on the plane and hit Portland a few days ago. A 34 hour flight, 5 movies and a book! Was quite a flight.

Portalnd is a nice quaint city and it rains like its the only way one expresses feelings. I am off to meet up N my best pal from college and I am "quite the" excited as she would have put it.

Up in the air, Paranormal activity, Shakti, Le Herisson are few of the movies I watched. I am trying hard to get to sleep but luck does not shine.

Waiting to hit the road and watch some more crazy movies maybe. Until then take care.