Stillness and change

White like a drop of dew on grass, seeming like a satin cloth.
That just let itself drift away in the wind
You might lie there for sand to blanket you
Or just drift again into newer shores
Whichever ways something will change..
Could be the whiteness, or the shape.
The fragrance or the feel
Or if nothing really, the stillness in changing times

Of Bars and Himalayas

They say that bang at the stroke of midnight come either devious thoughts or obvious thoughts. I wonder why my mind wandered about a dream I recently had. A bar - everyone happy, dancing, merry, stoned, unstrung almost like everyone belonged there and didnt belong anywhere at the same time. The music played a mix of retro, rock, jazz and African classical beats. There was a character to this bar, almost like every corner was a different person, a different place. It was a place however intending to liberate and free most of us to no where.

The host, seemed to know exactly what a seeking me would seek on a Saturday night just as well as she knew what the painter would want to drink after working on a landscape he was struggling to create for a while now. All came together urging me to lose myself in the joy and illusions only to head back to the Himalayas for an ablution from a sinful evening. (Was it?) or to understand why rivers actually did flow downwards (gravity cannot be the answer to the world, its a stale theory). As the clock struck 1, thoughts just resigned and went back to sleep, leaving me wide awake.

I remember waking up feeling cold like on the Himalayas and high like after a hangover and mostly wanting to say good morning to the lovely host.

Imagination

I hit on search with an empty string
wishing fate just throws something at me
anything, a line a whine or a song

I land an interesting picture
that of a placid lake, a snow clad mountain
a complacent face, a cup with brewing tea

I figured its not a picture
but my imagination afterall

Visually stimulating - Movie weekend

After very very long, I have had the chance to just do nothing over the weekend, watch movies, read books and listen to some fabulous music. Not going into the philosophical dimensions of the effect this has had on me, let me start by recounting what I read and watched

Reluctant Fundamentalist:

Gripping read, finished it in 6 straight hours. I could relate to the character in several parts. Seemed more real than most similar books. The books about a Pakistani boy who aspired to have a fabulous career in the US, studies in Princeton, gets a dream job, falls in love and is yet seemingly shallow and empty in this land. The 26/11 changes his perspective and gets him to realize that he is constantly torn between his origin and the new camouflaged person he has become. He is torn for an identity. What adds to this, is that the only way he gets love momentarily is by becoming someone else. The narrative is strong, and the story telling is unique. It almost seems like the white tiger has kind of adopted this style of story telling.

The double life of Veronique:
What should I say, fabulous french movie. The more I watch, the more I seem to be in love with Krzysztof Kieslowski. This movie is a piece of art which you can watch over and over again and discover something new. The cinematography and music just add to its charm and give it a character so unique. You learn that you don't always need to say much to convey. As i rewind on scenes, I see how well subtle small things craft the striking similarity between two completely unrelated souls. There is a scene where you can see a cup with a tea bag- a beautiful shot! I would like it for each of you to just watch and experience the movie. No two experiences of watching the movie will be the same.
Cet obscur objet du désir:
Another fabulous movie by Luis Buñuel. One of the best movies when it comes to cast and story line which is obscure and yet well told. The movie keeps you gripped and one is still left wondering what might be even after the movie is over. Again a very fine use of backdrops to convey a message. Not an easy movie to understand, and not easy characters either. However this had me refreshed and in awe of the performance. The story is about a man in his figment of imagination interacting with a character, who plays two roles depending on the kind of interaction he chooses to have. The movie beautifully displays all emotions, love, teasing, war, anger, pain wonderfully.

In the mood for love:

Another fine piece of art, a little slow but amazing photography. The sets take you into almost real 1960's of HK. The struggle of how not to be what you despise is interestingly crafted. The music and the sets are really the best part of the movie.

3 idiots:

Okish watch, though got stretched and draggy. It seemed like another 5 point someone and evoked a similar reaction. Refreshing but not note worthy.

I guess this was a small subset of all that I did over the weekend. Hopefully these kind of times come by more often.

Merry Christmas!

Off on another trip far east. HK again. Its cold December, end of the year nearly but still the end seems so far. I wonder how the year just went by. I wonder if I changed or undid myself or moved on. I guess for now I am glad I have no time to spend thinking. I have a plane to catch and sleep to catch up with as well. For those of you who do read the blog, a merry Christmas and a Happy New Year (rather year end)

Evolution?

We all work so hard and then destroy. Evolution is it? Solace is that at least this time its probably a better clone!

empty and hollow?

Emptiness and hollow! Couldn't one survive without the other?
Can I not survive without me?

What is it that I seek

Its been maddening days with travel, work, weddings and a lot more happening at a pace that does not let me even experience it in totality. I am sure I will pause one of these days and look back and be surprised at how much has happened and how time has gone by. I am sure I will be left echoing to myself the constant question about what is it that I seek. Why is there this constant urge to pace through life and yet stand still trying to find answers.

I am in Hongkong and hope I can take some time off and explore the city. Met cousins after long time and painted the roads of Indore red. I enjoyed my second class travel, meeting people from Madhya Pradesh who I think have no characteristic feature distinguishing them when you look at them. They are best at merging. I met agriculture and seed sales men listening to Altaaf Raja like songs going on a weekend team outing to Delhi which seemed to be their high point. I was able to get off a station and have Poha and Jalebi sweetened like it was influenced from Gujrat. I heard Malwiya which cannot sound good unless you chewing on paan. I sipped on juice made of "paan" and met a girl from Chattisgarh who spends 6 months in Japan and yet was just how she was in Chattisgarh. These people I met had a strong character, a personality so distinct and yet so familiar and ordinary. Each one had an ambition and each one had to deal with reality which is so much more easier to feel than the ones I keep in my mind. Their reality was about experience and mine about thoughts.I have had so many experiences, conversations, observations and realized my heart is still not in fancy restaurants or meeting rooms. It is really here amidst noise, people and the raw. I wish to experience more and I guess for now at least that is what I seek.

Two perfect strangers

Two perfect strangers, glare into each others eyes. Watch and see what they want to see. They delve deep, knowing there is no escape, explore as dangerously as they can. Sipping coffee in cafes, making excuses to move into each others spaces. Conversing like the world ceases to exist, waiting for it to rain, holding hands again. Impatiently looking at the watch late at night; waiting for the next day to come. Waiting to dress up in red or brown. Smiling at the world observing flowers and the starlit night. Holding each other tight, making love like crazy, kissing gently, slowing down to sink in that fragrance.
Two perfect strangers, glare into each others eyes with nothing really to say. They are as they were, strangers! This time knowing that's how they know each other best.

Passing by that street

I have traversed a zillion streets in my life time. Yet every street has a unique memory etched in my mind. Streets, your mode of transport and the music you play when you pass by, just set a context, a memory in your mind. All streets have a culture, so unique that it can only be experienced. Often who you cross that road with plays a role. Sometimes its just the thoughts and emotions you carry.


I drove past all places that looked so familiar and yet so out of context. Its funny, there are streets I have gone past a zillion times and yet never noticed that little flower that has always been looking out into my face. Billboards have changed, jungles are turned into black serpents that crawl across the city. Small houses have become large gigantic card like structures, space has become scarce. The smell from the air has changed and so has the perfume in my car. I pulled down the windows hoping to feel the raw! My nose struggled, maybe my eyes were just not supportive. In that moment of struggle I felt like a stranger today.I felt like it wasn't the roads but maybe "me" who has changed! The music continued to play, cars continued to honk, and I just sat there numb echoing - " Tumse yun milenge, humne socha na tha....aur yeah zindagi!"

Of words and life

Humans are so complicated.

People constantly struggle and find a purpose to life. Some create this animated life for themselves, full of exaggeration. Some underplay it so much that you wonder if they are already dead. No matter which ways they try and get past, they always have friends, foes, family and loneliness. Love? Well it is inexplicably the reason for existence. Life can be simple, desire screws it up. I don't know which pattern defines me but I think if i could master the art of realizing that I have nothing to lose, I will win!Only to find win is not the soul I amlooking for.

Someone asked me what is love....and for the first time in my life I could not describe it. It was disturbing since I have spent pages all my life writing about it, endless hours talking about it and most of my life feeling it. Something has changed and I have realized I was betting my life on the wrong word all this while. The secret my friend, is not to bet on a word but chase all those words that after all are words too. My vocabulary of words and people has always been limited. Life is a cynic and me an optimist. I move into the night really wanting something, hopelessly knowing it will never come by. I already dislike this post and yet lazy I am, to delete it after all. Its just easy to click on "post"!

square frames

Whats with square frames that open out into the wilderness? I am sitting gazing at the sky feeling like I just discovered something. Smirking and talking to myself. Figured that life is after all a chase. Its always about making a choice and taking a stand. Not taking one is again a stand and choosing not to choose is a choice too. I wonder what makes me tick each day, though I know there is nothing I look forward to, I know I have to make a choice. I believe i have become lower and slower. I am happy, I met interesting glimpses from the past. I also think I am beginning to love the dance with my two left feet which just might be right! I connect, and suddenly I know what is it that I am trying to seek through this square frame.

Strangely, I can only want and desire and then its destiny. Being the number 8, I believe karma is what drives my life and no matter how much I desire, it will decide. I focus hard! still wishing that wanting will fetch:-) However, I do know ....and suddenly the wind gushes in and here I am prepared today, to after all see a shooting star!

Cryptic is it?

Been solving cryptic crosswords and lost in the tangles of words I see my own life. A picture emerges when I look at black and white and it isn't Grey! When one picks the newspaper, one is tempted to take the easy and I guess I just chose the cryptic one. Crosswords, cross roads, jogs, smiles, company and solitude coupled with music and silence are all flashes of my day. Its so easy to be true to a moment and lost for life. Like when I was listening to a song on my ipod, lines flashed by which sounded so innocent and true and yet, I know it was my interpretation and moment which defined what I felt and maybe lost the essence of the singer.

I type, I hit the backspace! I remember, I erase! I take two steps forward and 3 backwards. I create and I destroy! I wish to learn the guitar and undo my drums. Wish it was that easy and we had either a head or a heart to deal with. Finding a balance has been my most in-adept skill. Finding extremes my vice! I guess saying so much and yet not saying anything is what my life is all about right now. I wish to find the black in the grey or atleast the white. And then maybe tomorrow I will after all, pick the easy one.

Walk and the talk! Or the beat actually?

Seems like a normal life. Get back home on time. I actually take some time out for myself and also walk 5 kms everyday. I am not sure how long this will last but I guess I am enjoying it nevertheless. Downloaded 24 and back to watching something at least. A make shift till I get my TV. Also begun on my musical journey. Started with a tabla and will hopefully equip myself with my keyboard and electronic drums. Neighbours need to watch out, but heck when have they ever stopped anyone.

Completely changed the course of my day and I guess I am the one to blame. Listening to songs from my past and also attempting to forget a few. Got myself a few plants too. They keep me busy and talking:-)

Running is fun, especially in the rain. Its just amazing to watch the trees grow so slowly. And paths look so long and so short depending on how you see it. Living a relatively free day isnt that bad either. It hopefully does me some good and others too. I guess I am rather sleepy for now and will sign off with the hope that this running/walking regime lasts, my plants grow into lovely trees and that I do buy those drums afterall.

Good night!

Hungover!

Was a slack day. Started with a fury of calls as always from work, followed by a slow drive to work until I was almost killed. In that instant, I just realized that I had no fear of death. I had absolutely nothing I wished I had not done or done in the time that I have spent out here. Conversations, palm trees and lunch followed. Watched a movie in the theater after a very long time- Hangover. Complete time pass kind of comedy which was a delight. We shared laughter, pop corn and whatever else. Drive back was nice as well, no more near death encounters. Chai and smoke are a good combination after all....Fire always makes the chai brew right! Its been ages since my day went at my own pace. I am home, and need to be up late for a presentation. But I am reasonably charged!

I wish palm trees get their due attention someday and tell me a story we both like to hear. I wish theaters dont leave one breathless and god arranges us in the right order next time round. I also wish, I do make my karela sabji and learn to live like Rhetoric Solomon! I guess I just added a lot of wishes to live for today. But who said I cared!

Fragile!

Life is very fragile and all twines delicately woven...Balance is the key to equilibrium...and yet the most interesting moments are stirred by the imbalances. I have had an interesting day and all I can say is that I have felt, a variety of things. I have learnt from small moments. I have spoken to myself, I have been busy, free, hurt and touched. I cannot describe the day, but been listening to a song by R.E.M

Very cliched and possibly odd but so what??

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone

And so I believe hurt is company!;-) I am about to crash, knowing that realization has dawned yet again and am I glad!

Randomness

Every time I walk, thoughts rush past. I wish I had a voice recorder and I just captured those fleeting pieces of randomness. Anyways, off late sleeplessness has had the better of me and watching the fan in the emptiness of my room, I have had several strings of conversations with myself. Today was a lovely evening, wonderful weather and just looking at the green trees brush themselves against each other was soothing. I realized, if you open your ears, you will see. One sense leads to so many others and someday I hope, all of them can work in unison to give you a perfect experience. Its like the eyes, you look at them and it draws you to something more deep. Or a voice that you can listen to that makes you smell the fragrances just like that.Been reading a book - Difficult daughters. Given to me years ago...pretty good so far, talks about a woman who lived life torn between being herself, a sister, a lover and mother. I wonder why, we take so many different forms and why can't we just be. Some even get past life never meeting themselves. What a pity! I have had bouts of absolute ecstasy and depression all at once in the last few days. I used to wonder which part is true- the left or the right of my brain! How is it possible to experience pain and joy all at once in the same moment? I guess, this makes me wonder if finding the answer is the purpose of life even or is the purpose of life just experiencing it? In fact should life even have a purpose or is the purpose insignificant?

I watch the sky every night
Looking for a star, a sign, a something
All I rejoice is "Nothing"!
All I experience is the "Quest"
And yet I know, tomorrow the sky will be different.


Enough randomness for a day! Will now go back to my playlists and sleeplessness.

Shaayari...

Shaayari likhi hai, yun hi kabhi fursat mai, kabhi bhool se...In alfazon ko rakhne mai socha, koi neki nahin, duniya aakhir kitne shaayaron ko jhel chuki!

"Raat baaki hai baat baaki hai

aaj sochta hai dil? kya tu mera saaki hai?"

"Justajoo nahin, aarazoo nahin

Yeh kaun shaks chal raha hai, zara mud ke dekh

Ranjh bhi nahin, pyaar bhi nahin

Ye kya silsila hai zara mud ke dekh

Yeh shart tho kahin zindagi ne ki hi nahin

Shaks ko ruh or silsile ko koi wajah bhi de.

Kya gilah, kya yakeen, kya sahi!

Ye kya shayaari bhi! zara mud ke tu dekh! "

Bas aaj ke liye shaayad itna hi.

Circle of life

I gazed, I explored, I found!
I experienced, I enjoyed, I renounced!

Cycles of life repeat. They seem so different each time they begin and yet so similar at the end.I am strangely learning yet and waiting to experience the same thing all over again. Each time hoping the end will be something different.

?

Will I ever know what I started? Will my thoughts rumble past like they always do? Will I be able to pen down the random rushing thoughts in my viens? Do I live knowing how my day will turn out? Gosh! Answers I seek of questions unknown. Songs I know, make me happy, a golden ray and wow! euphoric I am.I wish I see a bird fly past - freer than anything I know. Its strange how knowing is not enough, experiencing is what matters.

Laughable Laugh!

I laugh, smile, smirk and some say - "How cute!". Anything against gravity on our face seems to please most people. I wonder who defined happy and sad and what made "happy" win over "sad"! I am guessing there was a war a zillion years ago between the two and happy face won over sad and in evolution it just took an upward face to prove wellness! ( A long chain of thoughts in my head about the war and how sad lost it, but sparing this post of the imagination)

Since the world is always striving to head towards a happy note, I think its time I add to to it too. I decided to find reasons to be happy also looked for funny things around me. Like someone wise once said, "Unless you look you never realize how much of scarcity there is, of what you seem to want" (Why do I think that the wise someone is me;-) Anyways hence I looked and looked and realized nothing seemed that funny today and my mind or heart or whatever isnt that easy to please! (Another chain of thoughts around what I find funny and how weird that is, again sparing this post). Thus I resorted to reading forwards!! Aah dont they always come to our rescue. But most forwards - "Already Read", "Not funny anymore", or just "Duh!!" I then tried to remember funny things from my past...suddenly I had amnesia of sorts! Eventually I just gave up. I then remembered -"If you dont look too hard, You will find it" (another wise theory again) and that is exactly what I did and decided to write a post instead.

I guess like most shallow things this post also just does not know why it exists. Leaving it behind to remember - " I was once looking for happiness until I decided not to!" Hoping most of you have a happy weekend ahead.

Wonder why?

I wonder why we are not taught to assume our rights.
I wonder why we are not taught to fight.
I wonder why we are not taught to have our own perceptions.
I wonder why we are not taught to think.
I wonder why we need to even be taught!
It just seems so basic so easy and yet so uncommon.

Return from the land of my rising sun

Back from the bay area. Was a hectic two week trip filled with loads of travel, friends and long drives. Finally had Vegan Japanese food and met up with heaps of friends from my past. I also realized that

• I am a straight line and black and white person:-)
• The US continues to be a land filled with constant fear of doing something wrong for me specially cos of my Indian ways.
• There is just so much beauty in catching the rising sun and having black morning coffee.
  
• The consumer market in the US is just too consumer friendly;-)
• Furniture around the world comes with the same set of choices!
• The Economic Crisis has a different feel in the bay area and we Indians are yet untarnished from its effect.
• I did not click any pictures this time.
  
• I always have a good time in SF

I did read the White Tiger on the plane and met interesting, new and refreshing people. My baggage did not make it and apparently it makes no difference to the airline world. I am not jet lagged but zoned out. My apartment is still a week away and it is frustrating!

The white wonder!

Its been a rather hectic week. Fast paced, interesting, tiring and surprising.The week also took me to the Taj- Yes a wonder that I had never managed to see, but had always passed by. A wonder that had eluded me for long, finally struck a connection.

I had always had dreams of how I would see the Taj ( I tend to imagine and dream most parts of life that have not happened:-) I had my own picture of what this monument would look like. I had assumed I wouldn't be fascinated by it and it would be an overrated piece of art. However,the moment that I just set my eyes on this structure has been etched in my mind and heart forever. I am not sure what it was but I just felt a strange connection, some new life took over as I walked closer to the symmetrical, white, fascinating wonder. I felt I have known the place from ever. It would be extremely hard for me to jot down my exact feelings. All I know is that:

Afloat on the sea, a white bird I am.
Standing amidst time, I shine on.
The brazen finger that carved eternity
would have gazed at the moon all night.
Triumphing his creation of the day,
perfection! Inlays that many a eyes delight.
I stand! Time shy's away.
Yet,I remember the elephant roar,
the constant hands,
the lashes of the rain.
Symbolic of love, I stand .
Witness to flawless expression.
That between any two or just, you and me.

I am sure I will go back there some day just to reassure myself.

Connections

Connections are interesting things. I sometimes feel connected with my past and sometimes so distant from my present.I often feel I can spend a life time in the past or in imagination. Maybe at the end, the present will just not have a context. Possibly it is because I live life at a slower pace and can only relish so many moments. Which is why I don't make time for newer experiences. Either ways I have met a zillion people, conversed, shared silences or just air with some. However there are a few of them that I have connected with. Often I do find people connecting, but it is rare that I connect back. I wish the "once a connection always a connection" theory worked. But connections do fade and new ones do get established.

I met someone today. We spent time looking at fish, a species I never connected with thus far. Was it the moment or the instance, but I did strangely stare/gaze into the eyes of the fish.I think it has made me want to connect with them forever. I am not sure why some connections strike me so intensely and some just pass by life unnoticed. But my life has surely become worth the past because of the intense ones. As a kid, a frog in my garden taught me how to lose my fear to discover. Walking past marine drive, it was a kid selling joy for a living, that taught me how to appreciate life. Gazing at the sea taught me how to stay calm, walks around the school grounds talking about bio-degradable plastic with a friend taught me a different way to perceive life. Every such connection has made me want to live a few moments beyond time and savor it over and over again.


I am sure there is a whole lot to be lived. But I am happy to see that there is enough to go back and relive as well. It kind of makes me happy that my life has been worthwhile.

Contradictions Am I?

Sometimes I sail on, sometimes I am crushed in a tide. I am definite and at times I surprise myself. I mostly seek the impossible and the obvious just comes my way.Small things matter while big things just dont. Contradictions define me while the patterns just don't repeat. I guess its been a day of observations. I observed the coconut tree and wondered why the leaves were slit, I watched a few faces and figured monotony still exists in chaos. Created random prose:

"Definite I am. Mysterious you are !
Boundaries I resist, but bound you are!
Makes it an interesting string of definite and unbound!
Of mystery and conviction !"

I believe messages in bottles are often intended but not implied. I guess blogs are similar. This is one of those where sporadic thoughts come by hoping they don't get stitched and comprehended.

Jodha Akbar

**Had this review in my drafts for a while. Posting it out today.


After a long break saw a couple of movies and decided to post out a few reviews. Still in Yorkshire, battling the cold, and waiting to get back home.

Jodha Akbar:

A review can have several perspectives and I decided I should elucidate all perspectives rather than just write a review.

For the masses?

I guess the movie might lure the masses but does not have sufficient masala to get the auto rickshaw drivers to come


From a film makers perspective I am left completely confused wondering, what is it that Ashutosh set himself to make? A love story set in the 1700's? A tale to depict one of the most powerful rulers in history? A masala movie which has romance/thrills/villains/songs/dances and meant to entertain people? The movie failed to bring out its essence.A 4 hour love story is too long to handle and does not need too many facts built in which deviate you from the love story. The tale of Akbar the king did not need to have a romantic angle predominantly defocusing it. A masala movie needed a lot more. Some of the characters were built painstakingly and just left the story without much role to play. For eg Ila Arun, why did so much of the story focus on her and finally whoomph! she was just gone. Most of the supporting actors did not seem to play any major role in the movie and I was left wondering why 4 hours?? Now putting on my logical hat, I could not figure out how Aishwarya's brother was released and why did Akbar not make any attempts to explain the release as a mis-understanding when everything else had been sorted out? Why did dancers of pre-historic times have such harsh movements?

The movie had its positive moments. Ashutosh managed to build a soft subtle love between Akbar and Jodha. The sword fights, the torso scene and moments in the movie did a fantastic job of showing the king in love and in adding a classic touch to it. Hrithik as an actor performed well but possibly failed to fit the picture of Akbar in my mind. His grip on the character is amazing which was evident in the scenes where his minister was killed and he is angry, very angry something truly against the character of Akbar. I think he portrayed that scene really well where he got his brother thrown down on his head but at the same time could not pick up his sword and throw it down at him.He lacked to bring into his character the power that I had imagined for kings of those times.

A lot of people lauded the elephant taming scene. I liked the picturatization of it but it lacked thought and logic. What makes an elephant tame and was the ultimate goal just sitting on it? But like most people say, throw your logical hat out of the window when you go watch a movie.

All in all any movie that makes me look at my watch cannot be a classic and masterpiece. But if it still had me sitting, it surely had a story to say! Music from A.R Rehman was good but not a masterpiece. I dont find myself listening to these songs forever like the songs of Lagaan. Ashutosh has a lot of reflections of Lagaan in this movie, right from Amitabhs narrative to the characters chosen in the supporting role. The cinematography did not particularly have my attention. I thought the Mahal and the way it was shot did not seem grand( Sanjay Leela Bhansali is possibly to blame for my expectations here). There were places where the camera quality did not seem good. The choreography very average as well. The ajeeb-o-shaan shehenshah, I thought could have been picturised much better.Same goes with khwaja-ji. I think Sanjay might have made a grand love story from this epic. Anyways a decent watch, ok music and nice star cast.

Gruel Cruel!

Heading back to Bangalore after a grueling week. Sitting at the Changi airport (BTW I love these chairs they have here) watching a plane take off, with a delayed flight, my head phones sing

Everyday we getting older!
Everyday we all get colder!
Wake up wake up!

I wonder if it is the lack of sleep or the monotony of Singapore, but I can't seem to wake up. Older and colder I guess I am. I have come to realise even more that life is highly karmic. As a friend once told me, somehow all equations do tend to balance out, cos after all the world is seeking equilibrium. Deep thoughts are not a good thing this early in the morning so I shall ligten up, sip some coffee and sniff around the airport. Thank god for perfume stores!

A Streetcar named desire!

I just had to write about this movie. This movie was lying in my DVD collection for over years now. Finally I decided to watch it last night. And boy am I glad! I am just amazed at the brilliance in performance in this movie. Everyone!!! Specially Vivien Leigh and Brando were just out of the world. This is the first time I have seen a movie to be as powerful or more powerful than a play.

The movie is a simple story about how complicated we all are. Humans are a composition of complexes and differences of social class, past encounters, choices we have made. All of this is coupled with a constant need to seem happy, hide our weaknesses, fight, lie and please. I think humans are always driven by desire. Desire to be desired, desire to be accepted, desire to be liked, desire to be hated. As long as we desire we kind of exist, else we die. A brilliant line of the movie was- "Opposite of death is desire!" I liked the way this line was said it said "Opposite of death is desire", as opposed to "Opposite of desire is death!". It was from the death of a 17 yr old boy that desire stemmed in Blanche, one of the key characters of the movie. She hides her weaknesses, her loneliness, her age in complex ways. She lies so much to the world, that she stops to realize who she really is. She is so caught up in playing that happy, composed part that to her reality does not seem to exist. Her performance in the movie by Vivien Leigh was simply brilliant. She brought out the torn individual especially towards the end with such ease and was very convincing. Brando is the husband of her sister who is a crude individual with no social finesse. He almost hides his class complexes with his physical demeanor and power. He sees through Blanche's pretence, but is brutal as opposed to being understanding of the why. Loneliness, desire and unfulfilled kindness is what makes Blanche this complicated individual. The brutal treatment by Stanley(Brando) only makes it worse.

It wasn't the story as much as the performances that made an impact for me. It seems even more surprising to see that such boldness and characters depicted in the 50's. It must have been a bold movie of its time. I cannot end this blog without giving due credit to the Elia Kazan the director of this movie. I have not seen the play, but I am convinced the movie has extremely brilliant characters and they have more than done justice to this play. I know I will watch this movie several times over the coming years. Specially if I want to be reminded of what acting is all about.

Apart - Meant?

Getting an apartment furnished is quite an ordeal! Having an eye for detail even worse! Why cant edges be flat and not round? Why do people not make white plain fans any more? Why do most things I like turn out to be the most expensive? And why doesn't this ordeal get over? These are just a few questions that flash by so many times in the day. When I free myself of thoughts about inanimate objects, the carpenters, plumbers, painters and the like show up!

I am sure you all wonder whats the fuss all about. But lets take a small example - finalizing a kitchen! Now how difficult can it get right? After all one cooks, washes, stores and gets on with life. If you are filmy, you might sing love songs on your counter. But thats besides the point. I figured in all these months that it isn't all that simple. Colour, material, layout, handles, cost and an indecisive mind can work wonders and clock 3 months before you figure out what you want. Most of the time, the final decision is driven by exasperation as opposed to desire. Despite the ordeal, I think i have learnt a whole lot. I have added more people in my phone book, I have figured out numerous furniture shops and realized that shocking tastes do exist in this world.

However, I am looking forward to moving into my own place, cook, laze, have friends over at my new shack. I just hope this ordeal does come to an end. All friends are most invited.

Interesting day

Been an interesting day

Countryside drive!
Busy day!
Sweet surprises!
Thoughts, creativity!
A friends birthday!
French movie- Cafe au Lait!
Finally a small note!

Lost!

I seem to have lost a lot of things lately. My iPod and a pair of amazing expensive headphones just got added to that list. Its strange how throughout life I have lost keys a zillion times. But every single time the keys just returned and came back to me. I am a very optimistic person and believe I will get back what I lost. I wish the whole - "If you love somebody set it free, if it comes back it is yours, if it does not, it never was" holds true for my priced possessions too;-) Cos after all I did pay for them and they were truly mine!

On a parallel note I totally believe the Sri Ram Sena is the answer to all of us single folk! I mean come on, what the shaadi.coms and match makers of the world were not able to do, this man intends to in one day! The dude clearly suffers an "attention seeking disorder" and possibly just decided to become a national icon overnight. It amazes me how innovative people get in the Indian political landscape and how much we just jokingly laugh at our plight. After all we really have nothing else to do. But it just reflects a pathetic mindset and makes me wonder- "Where ever is freedom?" But all of you who had trouble with parents approving wedlock with a loved one, go ahead hold hands in public and hope that haldi-kumkum comes your way!

Just a short update. I gotta now go watch "lost"! Seasons 5 is airing finally.

Where goes my day?

Heaps of thoughts dashing past. Everyday I wake up in the morning with a smile assuming my day would be relaxed and I will get down to doing all things on my pending list and being super efficient I might even get to my wish list! I just need to check my mails and before I realise it, the day is half past. The evening goes by and what I am left with is a larger pending list and a unreachable wish list! I am sure there are a zillion books on time management, life management, self management and whatever else. But I realized that its not about management it is really about what I am able to resist, what I am able to say no to and what is my priority. Anyways I guess I am getting a little better, trying to fit in a run every evening, writing a blog once in a while and getting back to watching movies as always. My pending list for today reads...

Think...
Wait...
Converse...
E-mail...
Call...
Sleep...

My wishlist for the day actually was

Blog...

Movies and Books

Watched a few movies that I thought I should jot down before I forget:

Children of Heaven: (Bachecha-Ye-Aasmaan - Iranian)

Beautiful movie, simple story that shows the intricacies of a lovely relationship between a brother and sister. Touches your heart with some brilliant moments. A movie, I will not forget, a movie that changed my perception of Iranian movies.

Mithya: One time watch. Loved Ranvir Shorey for his performance.

La Buche: A French movie which unfolds a family past, revealing insights into fidelity and the concept of a family. It is a Satire which is nicely done and yet again I think that the French just see life with such a different perspective. Refreshing movie.

Books I Read:

• White Tiger
  
• Manto Ki Kahaniyan(Hindi)

Both were a good Sunday catch.

Random

Another year gone past, fewer blogs read and none updated. Maybe I am not really made for this entire share and care blog space! Or maybe I am just lazy. Possibly my thoughts beat my typing speed; or maybe they just don't make sense in a sentence. Whatever it is, I decided its time to catch hold of them and start to update my blog once again.

The last few weeks have been interesting - Extreme work, extreme socializing, extreme laziness, extreme sleep deprivation, extreme pressures-I guess you get the drift. I have realized that I am happiest in extreme situations except for extreme "nothingness" that I cant deal with. I met most dear friends after a very long time, I indulged in conversations and found a new hangout joint - "Boca Grande!" I am not sure what it is about this place but it just feels good doing nothing here. Maybe cos it is so close from work that it feels good to take off in between and find some "nothing" time. Maybe its the fact that everyone around seems in no hurry, like they have nothing pressing on their mind. Maybe its the fact that conversations and silences just happen at this place. I know that I will visit this place often enough to have memories of it, a few years from now.

I had started to write a play and ended up pressing the delete button and losing most of it. It was annoying but the flip side is that I get to re-write with new sentences yet again.My new apartment is getting done and I hope to move in soon. An audio- room is the highlight of it. Been exploring various sound receivers and speakers. It is phenomenal, how much sound we cant hear or comprehend! I wonder for the more sensitive species how does music sound?

Been trying to break away from my schedule and walk/run again. Has not happened and I realized I am not that determined after all:-( I decided to slow down this weekend, read, write and sleep.

Across these miles I wish you well.
May nothing haunt your heart but sleep.
May you not sense what I don't tell.
May you not dream, or doubt, or weep.

May what my pen this peaceless day
Writes on this page not reach your view
Till its deffered print lets you say
It speaks to someone else than you.

- Across by Vikram Seth

I smiled at you because I thought that you
Were someone else; you smiled back; and there grew
Between two strangers in a library
Something that seemed like love; but you loved me
(If thats the word) because you thought that I
Was other than i was. And by and by
We found we'd been mistaken all the while
From the first glance, that first mistaken smile.

- Mistaken by Vikram Seth.

Been reading his poetry today, yet another random flipping of pages, thoughts and nothingness that feels good.