What am I doing?

Awake at 3.30 a.m
Watching the world slow down!
Does the being matter or the presence?
I wonder if it is life or its essence?

Should I have learnt to carve on stone?
Or make do with Sand?
Do I defy or accept fate
Is it the start or is it too late?


What am I doing!
Why am I? Will I know?
Who am I and do I amend?
Is this the start or is this really the end?

'What-if'- A Fact of my life!

Life often poses you with 'what-if' situations. There are times when I know exactly what I want and do not find it. And then there are also times when I am completely clueless about what I really want and life keeps throwing things at me.  I wish this when that happens and I get that when this is supposed to happen! So 'what if' that had happened, or if today was another time and day?? Easy questions that lead to never ending thoughts with no end.Sometimes 'what -if's' just make us realize that what we have today is making us unhappy and maybe we need to set out on a new path of discovery and be brave enough to give up what we question and actually start to find. We have to be brave enough to also realize that maybe at the end of that quest we discover that we gave up exactly what we were looking for. Life is about taking risks, finding out  and willing to accept that we may not find but still we should look. Belief is an interesting dimension. Experts say you have to believe for things to happen! However at the end it is easier if you don't believe to deal with the eventuality of not finding. I guess I am not sure what triggered this blog, other than a deep reflective mood, deep emotions clouding my thinking. I am feeling and for the first time I do not know what, worse still I cannot comprehend this feeling...I just know that it has made me silent, made my mind reflect, made me stoic and I know these emotions are here because when I let go and get liberated from them, I will feel a new energy. I know that these emotions bring out expressions in the form of posts, stories, imagination, music and thoughts.

I spent the day doing a lot of things, the best part was a ride which was a free fall for 8 seconds. However, on another ride, (the one that took me high, got me twisted 360 degree looking down) I felt I was truly alone! High up, looking down in motion I was alone and also scared! I was scared of being alone in a large crowd. I was scared of not belonging, I was afraid of being disconnected. It is in that moment a realization dawned, I am missing something, I am feeling something, I just need to let this one stay and figure it out. I need to acknowledge feelings beyond my mind, I need to just feel for a bit. Suddenly the ride stopped, so did the noise and I was deaf to all the screaming. I could not see beyond blurred images around me and I could not feel myself as I was numb and cold!

I walked back tired and was wondering - 'What-if' I had not taken that ride today.....

Wait...

There was a time when

I would wait for the clock to strike nine!
I would wait for my phone to ring.
I would wait to get out of a meeting
I would wait to get home and sing.
I would wait to check my mails
I would wait to watch the moon
I would wait to get a glimpse
I would wait to meet at noon!
I would wait to hear a voice
I would wait to put my life on hold
I would wait to catch a glimpse
I would wait and do nothing till I am told
I would wait to cook some dinner
I would wait to go some place nice
I would wait to reach the other end of town
I would wait to sheepishly entice

Today I do wait but not like I waited before
Today I do wait to want to wait some more!

To be on not to be?

To be a part of someones life or not to be is a quintessential question that does haunt a lot of us at times. Often you wish you could be part of someones life and often you wish how did you become a part of someones life when you did not intend to.

Anyways being a part of someones life can vary. You can for instance be a:

• Phone call friend
• A Facebook connect who comments on all status updates
• A neighbor who just smiles and says hello everyday
• Or someone who is the reason for another one to exist! (Sigh romance never dies does it?;-)

Truth is I know I am a part of a lot of peoples lives. I know that there are people who continue to be elusive and I crave to be part of their lives! (SRK for instance:-p) However, I am not sure where lies the boundary between becoming a part and remaining an acquaintance.Not sure if despite so many connections I am missing something or someone. Would I have turned out to be different had I not been part of a few peoples lives or if I had been part of other peoples lives! I guess I will never know. I do know that people influence me all the time. People drive my life and I think it is my emotions for people that actually shapes up my life everyday. To be apart or a part? On that note, a good night from a cold but beautiful city well lit with Christmas lights all over. 'Thank you' to those who are a part of my blog world!

Delights of Rag Kalavati and Rag Des

Had ample time today for a change. Had time to sit back and practice and understand structures of Rags on my key board.

How do you begin this journey of appreciating classical music even?

Tip from a learned one (not me) - 

1.     Listen Listen and Listen. There is no substitute to that.

2.     Replace your music library with a whole lot of good music. Wipe out the Bollywood Masala, the Hip-Hop and load in as much of Classical Music you can.  Of course listen to your regular stuff when your mind is switched off;-)

3.     Create playlist's based on Rags (helps big time)

4.     Identify one movie song with each Rag to identify with a Rag

5.     Spend time, be patient and sing out every new Rag you learn.

6.     If you are not good at signing, then use a key board to understand the Rag. Play it out and see the play of keys

7.     Do not try learning everything. Focus on a few you love and go deep.

8.     Fail fail till you succeed. You will get frustrated in the journey but once you get past that, it will be fun.

9.     Understand the following terms - That, Aroho, Avaroha, Samvadi, Pakad (All simple concepts just sound complicated and dont bother about the terms as much as what they mean)

10.   Music is like Math - time however is a dominant axis! That was my way of looking at it.

I focused on Rag Kalavati to begin with. Why? This rag has lured me from the time I started to be drawn back into the world of 'Hindustani':-)  There is a rendition from Dr Prabha Atre which is beautiful. I heard it and wanted to listen to end endlessly. The most fascinating thing about this Rag is the parts where the notes NSG. SGP  brings in a kind of beauty I cannot explain. This Rag is based on the Khamaj 'That'. 'That' is a structure of notes which defines the permissible notes resulting in different beautiful Rags based on the usage of those notes. Khamaj has the following notes:

S R G m P D n S'

Rag Kalavati essentially has the following Aroha and Avaroha (you can find a whole lot of literature about this Rag around the net)

S G P D n S' and S' n D P G S respectively.

Now if you listen to the song from the hindi movie - Hai Agar Dushman Zamana Kam Nahin - You can see a resemblance to this Rag. However there are a lot of places where the rules are violated.  

When you listen carefully to the rendition mentioned above starting in the 5:57 minute going onto 7:10 minutes you will appreciate the various aspects of this Rag and probably understand the notes used better.

The next Rag tried and tested today is the Rag Des. Most of you would immediately relate to this one thanks to 'Vande Mataram' a song you immediately sing as soon as you dabble with this Rag. However on closer look and playing it was so easy to confuse this to Khamaaj and Tilak Kamod. As I played the Rag I realized that the song - 'Aaoge Jab Tum from Jab We met' is hovering around this Rag and that got me to understand Khamaaj.

The structures of all of these Rags are mentioned here for your reference

Rag Desh Aroha and Avarohana

S R m P N S

S’ R’ n D P m G R G ‘N S

See how G is absent when ascending and how the N changes when descending with an addition of D and G

Khamaaj:

'N S G m P N S'. (R of Des is absent)

S' n D P m P D G m R S 

I am yet to learn a whole lot in these Rags but the start was exciting and being able to play it and try out some of my own stuff was even better. 

Sorry to bore my non-musical readers. But well I was excited and wanted to write down notes to myself. Hopefully the next few days are about a journey through various Rags and music. 

Today was a definite 'win' day - Dad and Mum also played on my Keyboard and picked up a few basics very easily. 

Happy Childrens Day

Children make me happy:-)
Children make me care!
Children make me forget time!
Children teach me that life is actually fair!

They have all taught me how to live.
They have taught me to just be.
They have taught me life can be easy.
Its about how we choose to see!

They are born in completely new times
They are born to explore things unknown
They are born to amazing Moms
Friends of mine with whom I have grown!

I am sure they will turn out just fine
I am sure they will live it up too
Cheers to their naughtiness
Cheers to their innocence true!

To all the lovely kids who have given me a reason to live, smile and blessed me with moments of happiness that I cannot describe. They have brought out the maternal side in me at times. (marriage notwithstanding) I wish all of you the best life ahead, the best experiences and most importantly I wish that you - yourself experience life and live and learn. Wishing all of you transform into wonders that will conquer the world.

Here is to Arna, Aanya, Arjun, Dhwani (kutti), Mahika, Manmay (Tai), Naisha, Nayan, Ria,  and many other kids who have brought about a smile always.  Happy childrens day!

Another year gone by

Cant believe another year has gone past. This year had started with excitement and a promise. Like its start it was full of interesting encounters and changes in my life. From strange long sleepless nights in Portland to exciting but nervous days of leaving Bangalore, the year has offered a lot to me. The highlight of this year of my life has been ‘music’. I know I have come back to this love of my life and I am determined to invest, learn and unearth new things. I have started to take a leap. A leap towards trying, letting go, fearlessly embracing all that is real and possible. I have also mastered the art of treading back to my past like it is new and make fresh starts on many fronts. I am lost though and depressed as always on this day- My Birthday! Probably because it reminds me that one is expected to grow, change and feel accomplished as time goes by. And yet here I am clueless about most parts of my life and waiting to accomplish so much more. I feel like I am in the garden of Eden surrounded by apples that all look enticing. I have a desire to try them all and have no clue which ones I really want to pick.

As always people have been an important and integral part of my life. I want to thank a stranger who had no clue but inspired me to try, believe and go back to a lot of passions opening my eyes to what I have been missing. Also for teaching me brevity, patience and most importantly for making me realize that it’s the mind that can make anything or anyone turn into gold! I want to thank N for connecting again, accepting me despite all changes we have both been through and for the lovely bond we still share. For telling me the ‘secret’ that is me!  Then of course there has been so much I have found in the long pointless conversations at boca over a ‘sutta’ or two! Most importantly I have learned that friends do disagree, bicker and get on each others nerves. However, in a far off land when you get lonely despite the diversity the city has to offer, realizations strike about how comfort and nothingness spent together can never be replaced with new found passions or friends – Faces of those friends come back bringing back a smile and  one stares up in the sky gaping at a bunch of fleeting birds going back home or a flight taking off at heathrow! Thanks T, S for being around as always! Then of course you return home on days wanting to reach out to someone who will always open the door no matter what time of the day it is. A thanks for being that friend who is 'home' and also for a lovely gift - a mirror of you - 'D'

I have missed out a whole lot of people from this note and its not because they mean any less. But simply because as always I am on a flight headed to the US and  and I am running out of charge and need to shut down. Before I do shut down and welcome a new day, a new year and a new age that I feel extremely depressed about – I want to make a promise to myself that I will write whenever I feel like. I will spend a third of my year learning music, art and in creating as that’s what gives me joy. I want to give up on a lot of things and have made a good start at giving up several addictions. Just realized , people addictions are far more easier to quit than others!

Happy Birthday to myself.