Nostalgia and new memories

Nostalgia is almost like a compulsive stalker! It takes you back in time to the strangest of moments. Often I have found myself in a new moment, struggling to comprehend its purpose and entirety. I then experience it and end up cherishing it only in retrospect when its too late or gone!

'Life'! my dear friends can be rather short.  All I can say is that hold on to all that you live and experience in the 'now' and be glad if nostalgia stalks you, when you are bored, idle or lost. As it may just make you smile or experience what you missed out back then! If not it will end up eating into a perfectly new beautiful moment and play spoilsport.

Strange Balances

It was just another day. They all woke up to get on with the mundane. He did not stop to notice how beautiful the locks of her hair looked when sunshine cast a spell. She started to straighten things back into years of togetherness shared in a home. Time ticked on, they shared their lives – a bed, a home, their meals sometimes. Years of their marriage were cast as trophies around the house in the form of collectibles.  It was hard to imagine where all of it began. The background music of a distant bark or cheer on the television broke the balance intermittently. There she was getting on dutifully – cooking, cleaning and being a good wife. He was aware of her existence and she was too. The door bell rang – cutting through the silence and there was a stranger who knocked at the wrong house. Their eyes met, they shared a glance. There she was struggling to carry a heavy piece of baggage while cleaning the room. The stranger walked up, held it for her while she continued to clean. They looked again, smiled and the stranger left. He continued to read the paper while she looked at the mirror, fixed her hair and smiled. The stranger left holding onto a fragrance and carrying the picture of a beautiful face which was etched forever in the heart. 

Life goes on and we all find our balances, its just a question of which balance do we settle for- Two empty scales or two full ones or perhaps something in between.

Fireplaces and a sauntering mind

Quotes that randomly crept when the fireplace was lit and the mind was let loose

• I don't lie, I just tell people what ought to be the truth!
• Houses with large mirrors are good for the ego! #Godblessmylandlady
• Fall fall till you succeed! #Iceskating #Lessonsinlife
• Need to stay away from #chocolate! Without resolution;-)
• Drumming was the only thing I was ever good at - John Bonham! I think I would re-phrase it as ' Drumming is the only thing that makes me alive!' #Realization
• My rant in a diary could be torn! I could say sorry and ask my friends to forgive me and hope that it is forgotten in time. I can't delete e-mails I have sent or remarks I have made or delete traces of data I have left in the internet space! #Realization
• Bump on my head- Attempt to clean the house oblivious to objects that are dangerous by their sheer presence in 'Meetas' house! #Selfrealization
• I know!! The only thing that keeps me awake at night or ticking in the day is that - 'I don't know!!' #SelfRealilzation
• Watching the leaves fight against the wind and finally give up! #Autumn

Bookmarks

Often when reading a book, we want to pause, sip on coffee or just ponder. Bookmarks were probably invented with a reason. I watch a movie. Then the intermission comes in drawing the part to a logical conclusion. Life is full of such pauses too. Important days - Birthdays, New Years, Anniversaries are all about pausing, breaking our life into parts. I guess these days just don't do it for me. Hence, I am off on a self imposed pause. Call it a vacation, a trip home or just a way to break away from a non-routine to find a way to come back to one.

I know the weeks ahead are full of a lot of pauses, bookmarks and events. Marriages/Birthdays and just re-unions or wasteful days. I have not yet unwound myself in its anticipation. I guess I will just go with the flow and see if I will get back to the book or pick it up years later to find I had left a book mark some time long ago and then flip back a few pages to start again.

Ordinary

I am ordinary...

I want to snuggle in bed when the clock strikes 9. Caffeine brings a rush in my brain that fights sleep for a few more inevitable hours. Music liberates my mind. I converse with several ordinary individuals believing I am leading an extra ordinary life. I connect and yet feel detached. I clean when I have nothing else to do and vent rage via excessive physical exhaustion. I dream of romance, I live reality with a smile. I am homeless. I am my own god - I create and I destroy. I water plants- sometimes in excess or sometimes too scarce. I starve in absolution, I run to re-affirm gravity exists. I write e-mails with typos and I read books to live  stories. I watch movies and cry, I often love the warmth just as much as I am oblivious to the cold. I worship creativity - caricature, musical, strange manifestations of an inner energy of the soul.


Yes I am ordinary, as ordinary as I can be...

'What-if'- A Fact of my life!

Life often poses you with 'what-if' situations. There are times when I know exactly what I want and do not find it. And then there are also times when I am completely clueless about what I really want and life keeps throwing things at me.  I wish this when that happens and I get that when this is supposed to happen! So 'what if' that had happened, or if today was another time and day?? Easy questions that lead to never ending thoughts with no end.Sometimes 'what -if's' just make us realize that what we have today is making us unhappy and maybe we need to set out on a new path of discovery and be brave enough to give up what we question and actually start to find. We have to be brave enough to also realize that maybe at the end of that quest we discover that we gave up exactly what we were looking for. Life is about taking risks, finding out  and willing to accept that we may not find but still we should look. Belief is an interesting dimension. Experts say you have to believe for things to happen! However at the end it is easier if you don't believe to deal with the eventuality of not finding. I guess I am not sure what triggered this blog, other than a deep reflective mood, deep emotions clouding my thinking. I am feeling and for the first time I do not know what, worse still I cannot comprehend this feeling...I just know that it has made me silent, made my mind reflect, made me stoic and I know these emotions are here because when I let go and get liberated from them, I will feel a new energy. I know that these emotions bring out expressions in the form of posts, stories, imagination, music and thoughts.

I spent the day doing a lot of things, the best part was a ride which was a free fall for 8 seconds. However, on another ride, (the one that took me high, got me twisted 360 degree looking down) I felt I was truly alone! High up, looking down in motion I was alone and also scared! I was scared of being alone in a large crowd. I was scared of not belonging, I was afraid of being disconnected. It is in that moment a realization dawned, I am missing something, I am feeling something, I just need to let this one stay and figure it out. I need to acknowledge feelings beyond my mind, I need to just feel for a bit. Suddenly the ride stopped, so did the noise and I was deaf to all the screaming. I could not see beyond blurred images around me and I could not feel myself as I was numb and cold!

I walked back tired and was wondering - 'What-if' I had not taken that ride today.....

Wait...

There was a time when

I would wait for the clock to strike nine!
I would wait for my phone to ring.
I would wait to get out of a meeting
I would wait to get home and sing.
I would wait to check my mails
I would wait to watch the moon
I would wait to get a glimpse
I would wait to meet at noon!
I would wait to hear a voice
I would wait to put my life on hold
I would wait to catch a glimpse
I would wait and do nothing till I am told
I would wait to cook some dinner
I would wait to go some place nice
I would wait to reach the other end of town
I would wait to sheepishly entice

Today I do wait but not like I waited before
Today I do wait to want to wait some more!

To be on not to be?

To be a part of someones life or not to be is a quintessential question that does haunt a lot of us at times. Often you wish you could be part of someones life and often you wish how did you become a part of someones life when you did not intend to.

Anyways being a part of someones life can vary. You can for instance be a:

• Phone call friend
• A Facebook connect who comments on all status updates
• A neighbor who just smiles and says hello everyday
• Or someone who is the reason for another one to exist! (Sigh romance never dies does it?;-)

Truth is I know I am a part of a lot of peoples lives. I know that there are people who continue to be elusive and I crave to be part of their lives! (SRK for instance:-p) However, I am not sure where lies the boundary between becoming a part and remaining an acquaintance.Not sure if despite so many connections I am missing something or someone. Would I have turned out to be different had I not been part of a few peoples lives or if I had been part of other peoples lives! I guess I will never know. I do know that people influence me all the time. People drive my life and I think it is my emotions for people that actually shapes up my life everyday. To be apart or a part? On that note, a good night from a cold but beautiful city well lit with Christmas lights all over. 'Thank you' to those who are a part of my blog world!

Happy Childrens Day

Children make me happy:-)
Children make me care!
Children make me forget time!
Children teach me that life is actually fair!

They have all taught me how to live.
They have taught me to just be.
They have taught me life can be easy.
Its about how we choose to see!

They are born in completely new times
They are born to explore things unknown
They are born to amazing Moms
Friends of mine with whom I have grown!

I am sure they will turn out just fine
I am sure they will live it up too
Cheers to their naughtiness
Cheers to their innocence true!

To all the lovely kids who have given me a reason to live, smile and blessed me with moments of happiness that I cannot describe. They have brought out the maternal side in me at times. (marriage notwithstanding) I wish all of you the best life ahead, the best experiences and most importantly I wish that you - yourself experience life and live and learn. Wishing all of you transform into wonders that will conquer the world.

Here is to Arna, Aanya, Arjun, Dhwani (kutti), Mahika, Manmay (Tai), Naisha, Nayan, Ria,  and many other kids who have brought about a smile always.  Happy childrens day!

Staying Alive!

I am glad I want to write. The last few days just felt like I had lost me to a strange phenomenon! I had stopped listening to music and the excuse wasn't time but desire. I had stopped wanting to write and the excuse was not the lack of words but lack of thoughts. It was scary.

I looked in the mirror, wondering if this was really me. My wish of knowing what life would be without words or music had nearly come true! Funnily I looked just fine! Nothing had really stopped, nothing had really changed. Maybe I had even lost my ability to comprehend the change.

I have been wondering, why is it that we all live? Is life about the heart beating and time going by? How does one feel alive? Should I live beyond when my soul would be alive or should I be given a choice to end my life the day I want? I guess these are philosophical questions retorted by scientific answers and the law says we all should live and keep every soul on earth alive for as much as we can! We are all striving to keep life in our own ways. Why do we love conserving? Why do we not accept evolution? Why do we want to be high up in the food chain and look for means to be immortal? Any which ways, these questions had nothing to do with music or writing and yet I felt not any different without them.

However, when I woke up today, it was just another uninspiring day and when I stepped out, embraced the world, just like that - music came back, books did too and the writer in me is beginning to surface. However I know now, it is not the expressions or the art but something in 'me' that keeps me alive!

Good night world and have a lovely morning. I hope you wake up realizing you are in love or finding a case of money waiting to be spent! It might be fleeting, but that might give you a reason to be alive yet again!

Of wanting and getting!

There is always some joy when things happen the way you expect them to. There is a bigger joy if what happens is what you really really wanted as opposed to knew and did not want.

Sometimes I wish I could capture some moments. Like when one gets a reply to an sms they anticipated, or when a child finds a gift from Santa when it wakes up on Christmas day. Don't most of us in our minds create a plan based on anticipation or reactions we hope for? And optimism prevails in most lives! However, with this imagination comes disappointment too. But is it really possible to not expect or have any pre-conceived notions of our lives?

I am at a strange juncture of my life, where I want or desire things I cannot have, where I have given up on big things and look forward to very small things. Yet, I have not mastered the art of non-anticipation. I realized for all the science that I read, I am a believer in a larger power, I am believer of circumstance, destiny and magical connections. I have been disproved several times and yet I believe this is what adds to the charm of my life. I used to believe in what someone once taught me - If you really want something you will get it. If not you never wanted it enough. Maybe I have forgotten the art of wanting or maybe I need to get scientific again. Whatever it is, there is a lesson that needs to be learnt and I am stubborn about not wanting to learn it.

There is poetry I sent out to you.
There is a silence still, that I left out there!
There is a fragrance left to remind you.
There might even be chatter everywhere!

There is a glance that stemmed from my emotion;
There is a thought woven in that mist.
There is the said and the unsaid story!
There is a dash of lemon in that twist.

I look and find what I want so bad.
Though I mostly see it with closed eyes!
Sometimes I know I will never find,
What I was looking for in the dark night skies!

Of stationary microphones and Annual Days

After long I got a chance to go watch an annual day celebration. Technology has taken over, economic boom is visible in the setup, but the performances remain cute as ever! I was just taken back into memory lane. I studied in a Kendriya Vidyalaya for a significant part of my life (And thank god for that). It really meant, I spent most Saturday's in what was then called - Co-Curricular Activities. These ranged from Debates, Skits, Extempore speeches, Singing, Instrumental, Reading, Poetry Reading and what not. It also meant that most of the week was spent either preparing or in anticipation of this day.

"Annual Day's" meant practice sessions for months. We were never blessed with fancy equipment, digital technology and dances always meant - Live play back singing! I remember working on costumes, stage setup, electrical fittings and even fixing instruments and making our own drum kit.

My first appearances on stage started in LKG. Where I was asked to deliver the "Vote of thanks" on our sports day. God I wonder now why we thanked the world in those speeches. I apparently delivered the speech confidently from behind a podium and was just not visible. Finally the teacher lifted me and put me on a table when people were clapping.

In my 2nd standard I participated in a puppet skit where, real kids pretended to be puppets and I was the lead protagonist called -"Dhanno Bai". I remember I was a nagging wife who kept asking her husband why he did not bring back fish after the long day at work!

Though I loved percussion, I ended up always playing the harmonium for group songs because I could sing and play and also we had a few other percussionists but no other harmonium player. However I always more than made up for it for all group dances where I ruled the bongos! A few popular numbers were:

• "Resham Ka Rumaal- I sang and played"
• A naga dance with all my friends dressed in leaves - "Humba ho Humba", 
• A bihu number:" Jigor Nouton Digon tolai" and more.

Every annual day had boring long speeches at the start, prize distribution ceremonies and then the fun events. There was always a grand finale every year and every year when I heard the applause I did wish, some day I could sit out there in the audience and watch. Watch how our timing was, how the play back sounded or how the lighting worked. Every year, the stage opened with a few hands pulling the curtains and the stage closed...there was energy, enthusiasm and a lot of hard work that came to light between the two. People forgot, performances went bad and yet every time the parents clapped.

Watching the toddlers perform was an amazing experience. Watching the super excited parents even more amusing. Some day I wish I can go back to teaching at school. Some day I wish I can go back to my school and just once more stand on that stage and leave my fears behind!

Death and the dark sides of life

Death I wonder, can never be easy especially for the ones left behind. Most people wish different kinds of deaths. Peaceful, painless, some after 100's of years and some just want something heroic. Have you ever wondered what people will remember you as? Will people remember you? Will folks care that you are not there anymore? Will it make any difference? If not? Why do we strive hard everyday? Is it for us? Is it for a perception we want to create about us? Is it because it is instinct and we as a race do not know otherwise?

Life always intrigues me. Lives and humans even more! I have always been easily lured by deep dark insights of our existence and the pointlessness of this ordeal. I might just be a soul, I might just be a composition of energy waiting to be converted to another form. I might just be elements waiting to get back to the universe. I might not even be true. I might just be a thought with imagination. I might be a creative character of another race. I might not be worth anything at all actually. But I realize I will never find answers or know the truth. But whatever I am, I am sure at this instance this is what I am driven by. I am driven to writing a blog right now. I am tired after a long day watching lives being controlled, destroyed and sometimes re-designed by destiny. I am reminded again about the human race and how pathetic or glorious we can be. How important we make ourselvevs to be, maybe it is because we are after all a large (over 6 billion) clan!

Evolution?

We all work so hard and then destroy. Evolution is it? Solace is that at least this time its probably a better clone!

Cryptic is it?

Been solving cryptic crosswords and lost in the tangles of words I see my own life. A picture emerges when I look at black and white and it isn't Grey! When one picks the newspaper, one is tempted to take the easy and I guess I just chose the cryptic one. Crosswords, cross roads, jogs, smiles, company and solitude coupled with music and silence are all flashes of my day. Its so easy to be true to a moment and lost for life. Like when I was listening to a song on my ipod, lines flashed by which sounded so innocent and true and yet, I know it was my interpretation and moment which defined what I felt and maybe lost the essence of the singer.

I type, I hit the backspace! I remember, I erase! I take two steps forward and 3 backwards. I create and I destroy! I wish to learn the guitar and undo my drums. Wish it was that easy and we had either a head or a heart to deal with. Finding a balance has been my most in-adept skill. Finding extremes my vice! I guess saying so much and yet not saying anything is what my life is all about right now. I wish to find the black in the grey or atleast the white. And then maybe tomorrow I will after all, pick the easy one.