...

Tired, Happy, Apprehensive and thinking sleep will hit me at some point in time.

Good morning to the world!

Insomnia is good afterall

Long day, new city, tiring week and looking forward to a weekend to be spent with special people! The only words that come to my mind:

A flock of sheep that leisurely pass by
One after one; the sound of rain, and bees
Murmuring; the fall of rivers, winds and seas,
Smooth fields, white sheets of water, and pure sky -
I've thought of all by turns, and still I lie
Sleepless...
~William Wordsworth

I admit afterall!

I admit I am intrigued!
I admit I am annoyed!
I admit I am lured!
I admit I am desperate!
I admit I am calm!
I admit I am restless!
I admit I do read a palm!

I love chases and chase I will! Till I know beyond doubt that it is an illusion or it never was!

Death and the dark sides of life

Death I wonder, can never be easy especially for the ones left behind. Most people wish different kinds of deaths. Peaceful, painless, some after 100's of years and some just want something heroic. Have you ever wondered what people will remember you as? Will people remember you? Will folks care that you are not there anymore? Will it make any difference? If not? Why do we strive hard everyday? Is it for us? Is it for a perception we want to create about us? Is it because it is instinct and we as a race do not know otherwise?

Life always intrigues me. Lives and humans even more! I have always been easily lured by deep dark insights of our existence and the pointlessness of this ordeal. I might just be a soul, I might just be a composition of energy waiting to be converted to another form. I might just be elements waiting to get back to the universe. I might not even be true. I might just be a thought with imagination. I might be a creative character of another race. I might not be worth anything at all actually. But I realize I will never find answers or know the truth. But whatever I am, I am sure at this instance this is what I am driven by. I am driven to writing a blog right now. I am tired after a long day watching lives being controlled, destroyed and sometimes re-designed by destiny. I am reminded again about the human race and how pathetic or glorious we can be. How important we make ourselvevs to be, maybe it is because we are after all a large (over 6 billion) clan!

Ode to my drums!

Today was an intense day. Somehow, I had only one thing that was constant - Music. I got to listen to 10 hours of play time almost. Listened to Classical, Jazz, Ghazals mostly.  I got back tired and yet when I sat on my drums, I just felt alive and in another world. I mixed modes in the most bizzare ways, but I know there was some magic. For my wrists felt so lose and yet in control. My feet effortlessly joined along. It felt amazing and effortless today. After long!
 
My fingers just begin to sway...
Kathy's waltz was it?
Keys high and sometimes away
Faiz's poetry strung it?

I sat and felt compelled to beat
Swing on rocky torrents and rain!
Bongos tried to jazzy feats!
Malhars mixed with modern disdain!

Maybe its my angst at times,
Maybe its how I really feel
Maybe its peace that did chime
Maybe its its what makes me real!

You stand there I know like a rock, beaten and yet so musical!
You stand there like you silently know, what I never said but played on you!

Daub me! When colours be perfumes!

My experiments with oil after 9th Grade

I have just too much going on in my mind. I watched a brilliant movie today - Dhobi Ghat. After long I actually felt that Indian cinema had arrived. I am a fan of abstraction and loved the abstract story which had no starting or ending and merely showed me reality which most of us hate because we want to define everything around. This was coupled with brilliant perspective and story telling. I mean some shots were just poetry! I could not have revealed feelings any better said some shots.

Loved the scene where "Amar" was filling up his drink with the rain water, or where the maid serves two distinct cups of tea portraying stature of some sort, saying so much and how shai picked the one that was not intended for her. The expression on Yasmins face in the last shot of the letter was just so heart wrenching. I loved the way Kiran Rao expressed! I save the review of this movie for another post, but this movie shook me up, taking me back to Mumbai, the rains, the maid pragya we had and the mindless rush through traffic on my scooter or in crowded locals. The kababs at bade miya and the discovery of a cafe "fiesta" a small little bakery in Malad. It reminded me of how much there was to take in that city just as I recall losing a lot of myself there too.

I got back and listened to some jazz music for a bit and suddenly was inspired to pull out my oil paints. Had a box of wood I had intended to junk away and decided to work my way with a broken brush, a frozen brush, knife and my fingers! I always knew if I ever painted, it would be abstract too just as the stories in my mind or life have been. It was the first time I experimented with colour. (I have tried black and white sketches a couple of times)!  It does not matter how the painting turns out honestly. What matters is that the process is just so amazing, I was lost for an hour or more almost like all my thoughts came together and expressed themselves in each stroke. There is something in creating with your hands... the same gush you feel when you drum or play table tennis?? No! This felt different! I could see the variation in what came out as the evening went past. I could feel a part of me take shape in colours. I knew a zillion thoughts, shades, stories, people came into my mind when painting. Though nagging thoughts of boredom just walked out succumbing to focus and intensity! I loved my hour with the paint. I felt the wood, the wet colours stuck on and I could smell the turpentine all over and for once it felt almost like the fragrance of a new perfume. A perfume I know, I would daub on myself many a times in the coming days!

My Favs

Anyone who knows me....knows the fact that I have the most bizarre and extreme tastes when it comes to music. I also tend to be super obsessed about a song for a phase of my life. I can listen to the same song endlessly on repeat mode for over a month. So I decided it is worthwhile to write down some of my fav songs and also figure out why I did like them when I did


My Top Songs for lyrics:

• Tujhse Naraaz Nahin Zindagi : What a realistic song. It always reminds me of moments when I am angry about life but not really because I have no one to blame! Beautifully crafted and makes so much sense for the context of the movie
• Dashte- Tanhai (Thanks Rads for it): What a piece of Poetry and sung so well by iqbal bano!
• Hothon Se choo lo tum: Love and longing so beautifully expressed
• Koi yeah kaise bataye ki woh tanha kyun hai: I mean sheer poetry!
• Dil Cheez Kya Hai aap meri Jaan Lejiye: Is there a better way to express self renunciation?
• Guncha koi tere naam kar diya: The voice, the situation and the moment just make this a charm
• Save the best for last: I can relate to this at various moments of my life. Maybe my stories are so similar
• Winner takes it all: Have I never felt like a loser?

Phases and Songs:

There are songs associated to phases, people and places in my life.

• Tumse Yun Milenge: Literally reminds me of how I had never expected to meet someone randomly and bond over a song
• All Compositions of Devdas/Dil Chahta hai/Chalte Chalte: My life in mumbai
• Jaadu hai nasha hai: S's car, a bad theater in mumbai!
• Peeloon: Dedicated to the mom and daughter in my  life and several trips where people were subjected to it
• Teri Justajoo: Aah the lunch and screeching in my car with 3 of us singing!
• Crying (Don McLean): A certain someone who introduced me to most passions in my life
• Piya tose naina lage re: The song I was famous for in school!
• Resham Ka (Ila Arun): My sister who thought I sounded like her. The only time she ever complimented my skills in singing.
• Reason (hoobstank): Chicago
• Believe (Cher): My detriot trip
• Take Five: Can always listen to it and drum along

The list is actually endless....

Songs and music always fill my life and I am known to like the crazy "Sadnaal karle party" type songs to Jazz to Indian and western classical. I know I am kicked and most happy with my iPOD when running, cycling, walking or just driving to work in my car! I always wondered, if I was to lose one of my senses which one would kill me...I am yet to figure who wins between my ears (For I love music), My sense of smell (I cannot not smell) or my speech! (it is so hard to not speak!). There are a thousand more which have not got a mention today. But someday I will compose a list of 100 fav songs! Someday I will!

Foggy Mists and Moony Nights

Had been a crazy hectic week with loads of work, compulsive socializing and a pang to stay fit again!
Eventually Friday was here...After a nice social evening, got back and decided to burn out the vodka in a run. It was cold and yet I felt warm under the moon. My mind was just waiting to be lost in my pace and listening to music. As I paced up, I just had to stop. The moon looked beautiful! I continued to listen to my music and run along till A came down and we walked, talked and walked some more. She called it a day and I was energized. We left debating about my tastes in music, my fascinations and whatever else. Went up to her place and ended up listening to Carnatic Recitals, some new Hindustani ones and yet I am not a convert.


***Digressing
Was telling her a story about my fascination for Hindustani as opposed to Carnatic. When I was young, my harmonium teacher would teach us the notes and scales as per the Carnatic Style. One day I went up to him and said "I don't like this style, I want to learn Hindustani." He asked me - "Why" ? I remember replying -" Because I am hindu". Since then started my fascination for this genre over Carnatic. When I thought out aloud, I realized in general I think it is the overbearing mridangam kind of beats that dissuade me away from Carnatic. I love the tabla. Infact I think it is one of the most elegant of all percussion instruments. I love hindustani vocals over instrumental. I prefer fast paced raags and I guess I am yet to listen to something in the Carnatic camp that will have me lured. Or maybe I have to really wait for someone out there who will drive me to it!
**end of digression

Anyways chatted until late, came back and played on my tabla and forced myself to sleep. Set my alarm to 5 and woke up lazily and walked out to my balcony. It was extremely foggy, cold and beautiful! The sun was about to rise and all you could see was a glimpse of the moon fading by. Went back to sleep and woke up an hour later and cycled away. Saw some of the most beautiful places and wished my camera was alright. I wish I also had more time to just go on and explore some of the roads that lead outside of Bangalore. Came back ate at a bakery and finally went back to my gym only to be told that it is a bandh afterall.

Cycling is the best thing to have happened to me in the recent times. There is joy in the mornings and in finding trails and discovering beauty. I love the foggy mists and the moony nights.

Sense and Sensibility

I was told I mostly do not make sense. I started my evening understanding the phrase "sense". A dictionary probably describes it as "sound practical intelligence, something reasonable" 

I began to analyze my course of thoughts, speech and action and realized that they are indeed at times very dis-jointed. I realized there is another precursor to the whole thing -"ability to hear". So this is how I guess I function.

• Hear something(aah the idea is seeded).
• Process what you believed you heard (idea triggers context, starts to lead into other ideas)
• think a zillion threads (story starts to weave in my head)
• respond (continue to add dimensions to the story)
• Act !(by now the idea has turned into a beast!) 
• The other end thinks ---> (does not make sense!!!)

So a lot of this has to do with how much you tame your mind from thinking. Assuming you cant control that, you end up needing to control your responses in which case.  Imagination I tell you is a devious thing. But this thought process apart, I really do not use my imagination on a normal day around every normal thing happening around me. I probably use it when I need to.  And yet so often I am told, I do not make sense!

Maybe here is what could happen

X:  Do you have money on you?

Me: Heard it as - I need money (assumptions, bad ears whatever!)

Me Processing: 
Why would someone need money and has bothered asking me? 
Maybe X needs food, maybe X needs to pay someone who is standing right there, 
Maybe X needs to buy new clothes, Maybe ..maybe maybe

Me responds: Do you need clothes??

X concludes: Does not make sense. All I wanted to know is if you have money to get back home yourself!

Me (action): Pull out my wallet and car to take X shopping!

Phew! Again this is a figment of my imagination. I am very sure I do not come across this ways on most serious occasions. I am also incapable of doing the above for trivial things!:-) But heck I am also told I am entertaining and most weird. I wonder why that does not sound like a compliment! All I know is that I am of course a fan of intellect and intelligent people. I would degenerate the day intelligent people cease to exist around me. However, there is a joy in being able to talk to folks at any level in the value chain, only because I cannot fill my life with silences at large. I do love fiction and run my imagination wild because I guess I was given a mind that is not still. I am just reminded of a quote I once read - Truth has to be strange. Fiction though should make sense! (or something like that).

My sensibility tells me, it is time to stop writing this post and I shall obey! I must not be making any sense I know.

12 Angry Men!

**Spoiler Alert!! If you have not watched the movie, it might reveal parts of the story!

There are a few movies that one watches, watches again and yet desires to watch it some other time again.

This is a movie essentially about a jury trying to decide if a boy is guilty of murder or not. It is a movie that makes me realize how easy it is to pass judgment. The movie is shot in a single room for most parts, is not so much about motion as it is about character building. Directors always have a challenge in condensing an entire story into 120 minutes of screen time. They take years to write a script build a character in their head and yet in that short span they have to convey it all. Few people do a fabulous job of it and this is a movie where the director has managed to do it with amazing finesse!

The movie starts off with one jury member disagreeing at the outset only because he believes death should not be decided without dialogue. He is not convinced and tries to keep a conversation going. Over time individuals who come with their own baggages start to see facts and doubt. The movie moves on to showcasing how individuals change their perception, let go off their personal biases and change their points of view.

It is not important how the movie ends, really! What was important was to watch how most of us in majority choose to agree. Sometimes because it is easy, sometimes because we do not want to put much thought. Sometimes because we love to judge, sometimes because it feels better to be in a camp with more people by your side. Maybe the boy eventually did kill his dad or maybe he did not. 12 men could have put him up on slaughter or salvaged his life and given him a chance.

I came to realize that being a judge after all is not very easy just as it is never easy being a doctor. However law and facts can be twisted more than scientific facts and emotion. I am judgmental even though I try hard not to be. Every single time I know my judgement of people and situations is driven by that moment, my past or my experiences. I rarely judge merely based on facts. I am sure a jury is equally challenged as I am to let go off all these influences when calling the shots.

The hindi version of this movie - Ek Ruka Hua Faisla is also well made and has brilliant actors from the TV world. This movie is also a case study taught in B schools .

Why did I bring this movie up today? I appreciate good story telling, good stories and wish some day I can be less judgmental than I am. I have in the recent past met so many of my friends from a very long time ago. 14 years, 10 years, 6 years, few months. What has been interesting is to realize how not judging really makes it easy and difficult. After all you are left with a context from the past and yet people have evolved over time. People change, we change and so does our judgment!

Do watch these movies if you like drama and theater! They are really worth their time.

Realizations dawn at night!

• I have often known things that I don't understand. Those are the times I have a new found respect for the phrase - " Ignorance is bliss".
• I have often believed in instincts more than facts!  Those are times when I wonder why I even studied "science".
• I have often run a few miles with no where to go. Those are times I have always appreciated "circles"
• I have often had loads of thoughts and absolutely nothing to say. Those are times I realized why we were taught "writing, art and expressions!"
• I have often done things I have not believed in. Those are times I have realized there is power in influence and maybe the earth has magnetic fields!
• I have often found it so hard to kill 10 minutes of time. Those are times I understand why the Europeans probably invented the card game "Patience"
• I have often dreamt of things and believed they were true. That is when I realize how magicians can indeed hypnotize!

I am not sure if there is really a point I am trying to make. But I know I always buy books I don't read and hope some day I have all the time in the world to just linger around my library and catch up with life! Stopping to add to it anything new and live upto all that I have gathered!

A strange silence I want to break

There is a strange calm in being patient and silent amidst chaos and noise!

There is a silence I want to break! I glare into my computer waiting, typing with back spaces, looking, reading, re-reading, listening to the silence around me. Chat windows blink and I type in rhetoric, in boredom and then just ignore some. I am restless I know and yet so calm. People seem to function just fine, the day goes past like it always does, birds continue to fly, the moon plays peekaboo, all seems like it should be; and yet, there is something amiss! There is a strange silence I want to break!

What today has in store

Interesting early day. Work, tick boxes, confessions and a feeling of accomplishment and an attempt to give up my vices! Missing my cousins a whole lot today. Missing the frequent trips to Indore and mindless chatter and laughter with cousins. There is a strange joy in meeting extended family that is as mad as you are, accepting of your craziness and basically amazing amounts of fun.


I still remember the long nights spent at Sarafa hogging all night, or the dumb charades played with crazy B grade movies. The dancing, singing and compulsive no sleep disorder syndrome we all suffer when put together. The fights where we drenched each other with buckets on perfectly laid beds, the stealing of daadis special aam paapdi after a lot of strategic planning! The mid night matke ki ice creams and how 17 of us fit into one maruti van looking for Paan in Bangalore. I guess I can go on and on, the list is endless. This is the first time in the last 3 years that I have not met them for such long times. I am guessing, a wedding needs to happen and I know who they shall point to. Thanks for being the craziest sets of cousins. I don't think you read my blogs but heck, you will know anyways!

Besides cousin nostalgia, its a strange day where I am not sleepy or hungry and bored to turn off the TV and go play my drums. Exercise and guilt beckons!

Aah! I am what I am!

Easy weekend, lunches, work out and sleep!
Work, work some more work and grey cells put to weep!

Albeit, nostalgia did me some good and I have finally realized just exactly how I feel! For a change I don't want to change that because then it wont be mee!

As Audioslave says:

To be yourself is all that you can do

Don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright
You may win or lose

But to be yourself is all that you can do, yeah
To be yourself is all that you can do 

Watched a few movies too - 99, 12 Angry men (again), About Schmidt and a few more!


I read somewhere that apparently the stars are mis-aligned and we all now need to re-adjust our star signs! Maybe that is really what happened a month ago leading to all the confusion around the world. I feel like a passionate Scorp again! Maybe its all falling back in place!:-)

Archives

Cleaning up a computer disk these days is almost like cleaning up closets during my childhood. One always found lost money, treasure, notes, gifts, collections and for a brief moment one was taken back in time. I realized I write a lot, I just don't post enough. I think the best way to tame my mind is to get it to write. So on my disk I found fragments of my life all scattered in text files. Just picking up a few and posting them here. Hope you are all having a lovely year. I need to get back and write to the real world I know!

Connections

Are my words making any sense?

Do you just sit back read and smirk?

Or cast that look like you knew it all

Or do you just wonder if u can live with this for now?

Or maybe you just want to close doors,You just may not know how and when

Or maybe this is a nice muse that gets u past your day

or is there something else I cant see and you cant see

Not right now and maybe we will together?

Tanhaai

Raat ki chaadar odhe hue. Tanhai ki jhalak dikhaai di.

Kkarvat badlee tho tumhaari saans chu si gayee...

Aur tanhaal ki numaishi dekh chand chip sa gaya!

Izaazat

Izaazat chahti hun khud se sumjhaata karne ki.

khud se dosti karne ki.

waqt ke saath aur umeedon se pare chalne ki.

shaayad talaash ko khatm karne ki.

Yun toh saath rahungee sada, 

Is talaash mai banti hui paaoon kabhee tho us pal ki izaazat chahtee hun.

Anjaane mai khamosh ho kuch bolun jo tum sunna na chaho...tho us gustaakh ki izaazat chahti hun.

Is izazat maangne ki khata karne ki izazat chahti hun..

Found two poems from the movie Udaan which I loved:

Udaan

Jo lehron se aage nazar dekh paati toh tum jaan lete main kya sochta hoon,

Wo aawaz tumko bhi jo bhed jaati toh tum jaan lete main kya sochta hoon.

Zid ka tumhare jo parda sarakta toh khidkiyon se aage bhi tum dekh paate,

Aankhon se aadaton ki jo palken hatate toh tum jaan lete main kya sochta hoon.

Meri tarah khud par hota zara bharosa toh kuchh door tum bhi saath-saath aate,

Rang meri aankhon ka baant-te zara sa toh kuchh door tum bhi saath-saath aate,

Nasha aasmaan ka jo choomta tumhe bhi, hasraten tumhari naya janm paatin,

Khud doosre janam mein meri udaan chhoone kuchh door tum bhi saath-saath aate.

Joote

Chhoti-chhoti chhitrayi yaadein

Bichhi hui hain lamhon ki lawn par

Nange pair unpar chalte-chalte

Itni door chale aaye

Ki ab bhool gaye hain ki

Joote kahan utaare the.

Aedi komal thi, jab aaye the.

Thodi si naazuk hai abhi bhi.

Aur nazuk hi rahegi

In khatti-meethi yaadon ki shararat

Jab tak inhe gudgudati rahe.

Sach, bhool gaye hain

Ki joote kahan utaare the.

Par lagta hai,

Ab unki zaroorat nahin.

Thats it from the treasure of archives for now.

Travel music and a cluttered mind.

I guess it has been a rather long day. However the last few days with instruments and access to them (courtesy the vacation) has got me addicted(almost).  While the day started with 1 hour of drumming and forcing myself to get up and leave, I also realized just how much there is to see if you keep your eyes open. I had to get my pair of footwear fixed and was most intrigued by the folks I saw at a cobbler stand at 8.00 a.m. There were random people wanting to sit and read the telgu news paper. There was also an old man almost committed to the cause of the cobbler and was busy keeping all customers seated and at ease whilst the guy did his job. Only later I found out that he wasn't related to the guy but just someone who did not know how else to while away time. The engineering needed to fix a shoe made me want to go back to a workshop and really get down to fixing, cutting, welding and whatever else. There is so much joy in the sheer mechanics of physical craftsmanship! You work on an object and you see an end product!

I finally completed my pending list of daunting and most mundane tasks- Taxes, Claims and Bills ! I discovered when I filed my travel claims, I almost re-lived most moments of my trip. "Recalling" is a strange word and a strange phenomenon. It was in those moments that I realized that I had a lot going on in my mind. I was aware of a few effects and only today realized the cause. I seem to be oscillating between clear and unclear territories. Exciting and depressing times. I am doing things that I cant seem to understand and yet been in control of most parts of my day. It takes a few bills and "recalling" and quiet time to realize that maybe your mind can think clearly and unclearly at the same time. I have been in the moment and away so many times that I did not realize it this far. I am amazingly ambivalent at this phase of my life.  I guess I have submitted my claims and that shall apparently settle the trip and clear my mind. Aah so easy apparently:-) if only the mind was so easy to please!


I did get back to my harmonium the last few days and its amazing how easily I can suddenly "recall" the lessons I learnt for a few months in my 2nd grade. I remember the Hindustani key notes, the fingers and the non-stop practice - mastering speed and precision. I also remember how the teacher left and my lessons came to a stop. I finally never found a Hindustani harmonium teacher again. I had a book of harmonium lessons stacked in my stash of books. I realized I have come so far and yet have to go back to where it all began. I can of course re-play the lessons in 5 mins now as opposed to 5 days of practice years ago. I can read a lot faster and move my fingers at a much faster pace. All the years of moving my fingers on keyboards of different sorts has made it easier. All the "no years" of learning has taken me back to learning from that book today.  I started to read and learn about Hindustani classical music last night till late hours.  Played the harmonium even to try out a few things at random hours of the night, thought about it through the day and finally got back home and been playing on my Harmonium for whatever part of the day is left.

Every one has a few favorites and mine for today during this late hour is "Raag Darbari Kanada". Listening to this

recording just made me imagine an empty palace with a large courtyard and a broken man sitting in the midst, below the moon surrounded by a cold structure of white marble. Suppressed and yet wanting to let go and then he almost gets into a trance singing and wakes up in a dream at the end of it. I guess my imagination has always been an overkill but I guess this is what came to my mind. It possibly a reflection of my state of mind or maybe my madness!

I also know that imagination is a good escape from reality. Reality is only perception! My perceptions sees:


Jet planes, mid night jogs;
Mirco breweries, early morning fogs.
An endless wait; a constant need!
Garden breakfasts and planting seeds.
An empty airport a sleepless mind!
Perfumes so many and yet just one of a kind!
Excitement, Rush, Desire Afar;
Long conversations driving in a car.
I can go on about reflections I see
I guess that was also just mee!

The first conscious day into 2011

Today seems like my first conscious normal routine day into 2011 and lots has happened and not happened.

• It is one of those drum easily days. I tried a lot of new stuff and innovation and it worked and sounded good. I also did not miss too much on timing. I guess familiar songs help since one just knows when to be innovative. Also complete focus was so easy today. It felt like I could have attempted more complex stuff today.
• It is also a day when I have decided for good or for bad to just completely lose control and let go. I also decided that life is really better lived in the moment than in anticipation or memory. Not a new lesson, but strange how every time it feels like a new realization :-) Probably because closure is often what keeps most of us on hold most of the times. However, one possible way of closure is to accept it without knowing why.
• I did not get out of my lazy routine and take charge of so many things on my mundane list. I do somehow have the intent to do that tomorrow. Bills, Taxes, Travel Claims and Pending Chores from ever!!! Sigh Sigh Sigh
• In some strange ways I don't seem to want social interaction in abundance and feel extremely content locked up or not meeting people. It is one of those phases where excessive socializing can cause stress:-d leading to seclusion.
• I seem to be hooked to facebook and the internet world of publishing information about myself. How strange is that. From being a critic to a contributor I have come a long way!
• I look out of my french windows and for the first time it is not the sky but the land far away that I look at. Strange things happen and maybe the sky is for a dreamer and the land for a more practical person.
• I decided to start a blog about the gadgets that I own. Trying to give back to the world, tips I looked for when I bough the stuff.

Whatever it is, I think the world of IT looks very lit up with small windows glittering with lights. Possibly folks sitting on computers still working in what looks like the office of a large software company in the tech park. There is a certain element of culture this mix has brought in which scares me. It scares me that all that was Bangalore, will be lost to the weekend mall folks, the compulsive spa couples or the bihari cooks that inhabit the space. But heck people call it Bengaluru anyways.

Sorry for the digression but I am never known to start and end things in the same way am I?

Another year gone by! - 2010

Every time around this time of the year, I get into a cocoon of sorts. I wish I can just snuggle in a corner, be with myself and think, feel, write and say nothing. Years, days and life is about the following and my summary goes:

People, faces and corridor clashes!

This year was special because of people. I met a whole lot of friends, special connections, random strangers and my past circle. It was amazing to re-bond with my best friend from childhood and realize how special some bonds really are. My leisurely meetings with my best friends made me ponder about moving to the US as it felt like home and I was reminded again about the importance of having people you can talk to or say nothing to around you. I also realized Cancerians are comfort zone for me. I did have the best Sulaimani teas and diwali celebrations with the special cancerians in my life. I also realized my day is incomplete without the sun rising and shining. I always do love the "dhoop chaanv" it plays with me but heck it is a part of my day. The end of the year was so so full of connections from my past - Schools, Colleges, Randomness, Infatuations, Foes all coming together taking me back in time and re-looking at every one in a complete new way.

The year was about kids in a large way. I so love all of the kids I have baby sat, played with, even fought with or taught drumming to. I cannot imagine how life would really be without these wonders. And then of course there is family, extended family (which I saw lesser of), friends who are family and family friends.

There are other bonds I shared, undefined, short lived, exciting. All amazing, fitting into my spaces and not crowding my head. I learnt to appreciate the moon just as I learnt to live in darkness. However, the most special thing about this year really was not how much I held onto, but really- How much I let go off!

Airplanes, Places and Casinos!

Places always play a significant part of my year given the amount I travel. However the places that I made a bond with for different reasons are:Chicago, Bay Area, Dilli, White Field , Portland, and my apartment:-d I do seek to travel again this year, hopefully not for work but for pleasure or both. Benaras, Mumbai and a few other places are on my list for sure.

Aah and then the daily rut!

The highlight of the year was that I did actually lose a lot of weight without a resolution at the start of the year. There are activities I got back to or started anew - Running, Cycling, Swimming, Fitness! Green tea, Music, Movies! I also lost sight of a few things like - Play watching and reading. I really wish, I read more and watched all the plays that did come by. Adventure, socializing, Cultural activities at home and watching a music concert of someone I know was the essence of my year in terms of events! I did feature on Page 3 and partied a lot lot more this year.

The material world!

This year I bought a lot of my musical instruments (Drums, Keyboard, Tabla, Dholak etc etc), gadgets such as the iPAD. I upgraded my apartment marginally with some art work. I also wish I had fixed my camera and taken many more pictures at times on my adventure trails. I also bought a bicylce and intend to buy a new car. I guess the highlight though was the perfume purchase which taught me how money can actually buy happiness in a desolate airport on a lonely birthday. I also plan on buying the Calvin and ACK (Amar Chitra Katha) collection amongst many other things in the coming year.

Blink Blink!

And finally the year is always about the thinking, feeling and blanks that make it all work in your head and heart. I am glad I had long debates and days of silences and blanks. But mostly I know I have learnt a few things, I am content and I am fitter this year! Of course I am never completely happy about the time that has gone by. But again life is never perfect and we have to find our way of being passionate and driven every day of our life - Be it for money, a song on the iPOD or a glimpse of someone. I do find my drive - every day or at least on most days.

New lessons:

• Being concise is a good thing. People dont value your thoughts much otherwise.
• If you really really want something it will happen. At its own pace, in its own way, but it does happen.
• Being patient is frustrating but rewarding!
• All people you invest in, do end up finding a way into your life. Its always a question of time and letting them be and accepting.
• It helps to assume people change over time and life never starts from the same point when you meet people after ages.
• Music in the 80's and 90's rocked.
• I am a people person after all:-) Sometimes the people are silences and spaces.
• I am not looking for anything in particular, really!
• I have learned to be far more accepting this year of things and people.

I am glad for a year has gone by and I have not struggled to pen down what it was about, though words are never enough. I do wish all of you a lovely year ahead. I do sign off with the hope that I do not bore any more people with such boring posts this year around.