High-School Romances

There is something amazingly beautiful about high school love stories. They are so true, young, fresh and innocent. People are young, impressionable and mostly in-experienced and completely open to experiences. There are no older memories tarnishing the experience, there are no experiences dissuading you. There is only a high level of expectation, the joy of discovering the unknown and mostly an earnest hope that it will be magical.

The first kiss, the joys of watching, waiting, exchanging notes, buying cards, are all things one just never experiences again. The good thing about that age is that you actually change together and hence in those formative years, who you are with plays a very important role. You try to become the person the other appreciates, you try to like the music the other one listens to, you read similar books, and finally you paint pictures of the future and plan your life. Of course how life turns out years later, just makes you go back and wonder or smile. But the truth is those experiences never come back again. With each new relationship, you probably lose a part of yourself, you find new things about yourself and you swear you will not do what you did earlier ever again. However, this is life and we all change from being vulnerable and romantic to being practical and cynical at times. However, a lucky few probably end up with their high school love or still feel high-school like, despite years of trying. What is important is to hope that everyone experienced the magic and that hopefully the magic has had an effect on them that they are carrying for life!

She walked in and he just knew, 
Something was amiss and he felt something new.
He shared his anxiety not with her but his friend.
The one who delivered to her all messages he would send.


Soon they got talking, but he never let her know.
She walked in one day saying there was something she had to show :-)
She moved close and brushed her lips quickly against his cheek,
His heart skipped a beat and his knees went all weak!


They spent time together and stole glances in class.
They were a couple and stood out during morning mass!
They had sweet names for each other, they would call.
They composed poetry and that was not all.


Breaking-Making, Philosophy and rock!
Spending time waiting or staring into a clock!
One day without a warning or even a bolt,
Time had come when their love was about to jolt!


They had to move on and make choices new.
Leave things behind and they hadn't a clue!
We plan life, we dream, we wish we can hold tight.
But destiny and time often bring on a fight!


Boy meets girl and girl meets boy,
The story of many and a promise to joy
Some stories end with the same one at last!
Some stories just leave us with memories of a lovely past.

** Inspired whilst watching that 70's show. Apologies for poetry with rhymes - the kind I would have composed back in high school:-)

Guitaring - Key-Tarring and Sore Fingers

Got myself a guitar and decided to practice like never before. I have to admit I get the whole theory around it, trying it is something else. Unfortunately, the pain in my fingers just gets worse and yet I am determined to continue to play against all odds.

So here is my tip - Pick an electric guitar if you want to make this journey easy. Second of all, hope that the winter cold does not show up, just when you think you have conditioned your fingers and lastly keep up the morale even if things are going slow.

The journey starts with understanding the fret board! Then playing the basic notes over and over again. Your fingers will initially never stretch or press against the string to make the sound clear, but keep trying and you will soon find things working.

If you have an iPad or even a PC download a guitar tuning application. Learn the basic chords - C, G , D, Am, E, Dm and finally move onto F. If you can play the F you have moved up the chain suddenly (Hoorah!). There are heaps of videos out there that can teach you how to play these. Pick up a song that you can try these on and fortunately for me since I drum, the strumming pattern just happens. Given than I have a keen ear, I am overly critical of my playing when it sounds even a little off. Your fingers will turn from soft hurting fingers to hardened hurting fingers. Your shoulders may begin to ache even and finally you will have Aha moments where you can play your first chord, then you learn to change chords and finally you may actually play a song. Its been  1 week of active work for me to play a few solos and  3 songs on my guitar. However, I do know that I have a  long way to go before the sound are clear and I am not covering up for the mistakes I make.

You will find heaps of advise on the internet but here is what worked for me: Focus on freeing up your fingers, making them stretch, playing with the tips of your fingers and by pressing hard against the fret board. Focus on movements of chords. Watch how your fingers move from a chord to the other. Ask yourself, is this logically the easiest way to do it or is there a better approach to changing chords. Finally, celebrating moments of success is very important.

Besides my guitar, I have my key board opened up and have spent a lot of time working on my fingering and getting the left side more co-ordinated. Its the first week I have realized how playing is easy but mastering very very tough! I have learnt that hours are spent in a day strumming or playing and yet I have not made much of a breakthrough. However, the good thing is that this has opened up my world suddenly with a zillion more possibilities. I imagine mastering the most complex pieces of guitaring and playing away on an electric guitar soon. I fancy myself playing a symphony on a piano and despite my sore fingers, I have a refreshed soul!

November Recap

Had parents over for 3 months and now I walk into an empty house with the cold of December setting in. Went to Winter Wonderland a few times with kids of friends and family. Shopped like crazy for family.

Got some respite over weekend. Travelled to Brussels and have a hectic week lined up. Catching up on a few movies I had missed out

Rockstar
Delhi Belly
Ra.One

More update from London soon. Till then hope you have all had a nice month.

A still from the sunset

There is poetry when the sun sets.

There is poetry in watching a bird fly

When that sky in all its orange nets,

Seems like a painting for the passers by.

There is magic in the cold breeze

There is magic in that grass so green

Thoughts slip in like I am at ease

Love, expression never quite this keen!

No pen, no paper, to jot down the thought

No camera to capture the moment passing by

But I know who, I know what, I sought

In that romantic moment, right below a vast sky!

Sometimes, Dreams dont let you give

I have a picture in my mind,

The paint is still wet,

It is good I wish to stain it now

Since the colors haven’t set

I shall paint a white sky

I shall paint a blanket of snow

I shall paint a picture true

A picture that has an endless flow

I don’t wish to show it about

I don’t wish to put it on my wall

I just wish to have a painting

That you are not ashamed to call

All this while I painted a picture

Of a dream I wished to live

I forgot that sometimes

Dreams don’t let u give.

What am I doing?

Awake at 3.30 a.m
Watching the world slow down!
Does the being matter or the presence?
I wonder if it is life or its essence?

Should I have learnt to carve on stone?
Or make do with Sand?
Do I defy or accept fate
Is it the start or is it too late?


What am I doing!
Why am I? Will I know?
Who am I and do I amend?
Is this the start or is this really the end?

'What-if'- A Fact of my life!

Life often poses you with 'what-if' situations. There are times when I know exactly what I want and do not find it. And then there are also times when I am completely clueless about what I really want and life keeps throwing things at me.  I wish this when that happens and I get that when this is supposed to happen! So 'what if' that had happened, or if today was another time and day?? Easy questions that lead to never ending thoughts with no end.Sometimes 'what -if's' just make us realize that what we have today is making us unhappy and maybe we need to set out on a new path of discovery and be brave enough to give up what we question and actually start to find. We have to be brave enough to also realize that maybe at the end of that quest we discover that we gave up exactly what we were looking for. Life is about taking risks, finding out  and willing to accept that we may not find but still we should look. Belief is an interesting dimension. Experts say you have to believe for things to happen! However at the end it is easier if you don't believe to deal with the eventuality of not finding. I guess I am not sure what triggered this blog, other than a deep reflective mood, deep emotions clouding my thinking. I am feeling and for the first time I do not know what, worse still I cannot comprehend this feeling...I just know that it has made me silent, made my mind reflect, made me stoic and I know these emotions are here because when I let go and get liberated from them, I will feel a new energy. I know that these emotions bring out expressions in the form of posts, stories, imagination, music and thoughts.

I spent the day doing a lot of things, the best part was a ride which was a free fall for 8 seconds. However, on another ride, (the one that took me high, got me twisted 360 degree looking down) I felt I was truly alone! High up, looking down in motion I was alone and also scared! I was scared of being alone in a large crowd. I was scared of not belonging, I was afraid of being disconnected. It is in that moment a realization dawned, I am missing something, I am feeling something, I just need to let this one stay and figure it out. I need to acknowledge feelings beyond my mind, I need to just feel for a bit. Suddenly the ride stopped, so did the noise and I was deaf to all the screaming. I could not see beyond blurred images around me and I could not feel myself as I was numb and cold!

I walked back tired and was wondering - 'What-if' I had not taken that ride today.....

Wait...

There was a time when

I would wait for the clock to strike nine!
I would wait for my phone to ring.
I would wait to get out of a meeting
I would wait to get home and sing.
I would wait to check my mails
I would wait to watch the moon
I would wait to get a glimpse
I would wait to meet at noon!
I would wait to hear a voice
I would wait to put my life on hold
I would wait to catch a glimpse
I would wait and do nothing till I am told
I would wait to cook some dinner
I would wait to go some place nice
I would wait to reach the other end of town
I would wait to sheepishly entice

Today I do wait but not like I waited before
Today I do wait to want to wait some more!

To be on not to be?

To be a part of someones life or not to be is a quintessential question that does haunt a lot of us at times. Often you wish you could be part of someones life and often you wish how did you become a part of someones life when you did not intend to.

Anyways being a part of someones life can vary. You can for instance be a:

• Phone call friend
• A Facebook connect who comments on all status updates
• A neighbor who just smiles and says hello everyday
• Or someone who is the reason for another one to exist! (Sigh romance never dies does it?;-)

Truth is I know I am a part of a lot of peoples lives. I know that there are people who continue to be elusive and I crave to be part of their lives! (SRK for instance:-p) However, I am not sure where lies the boundary between becoming a part and remaining an acquaintance.Not sure if despite so many connections I am missing something or someone. Would I have turned out to be different had I not been part of a few peoples lives or if I had been part of other peoples lives! I guess I will never know. I do know that people influence me all the time. People drive my life and I think it is my emotions for people that actually shapes up my life everyday. To be apart or a part? On that note, a good night from a cold but beautiful city well lit with Christmas lights all over. 'Thank you' to those who are a part of my blog world!

Delights of Rag Kalavati and Rag Des

Had ample time today for a change. Had time to sit back and practice and understand structures of Rags on my key board.

How do you begin this journey of appreciating classical music even?

Tip from a learned one (not me) - 

1.     Listen Listen and Listen. There is no substitute to that.

2.     Replace your music library with a whole lot of good music. Wipe out the Bollywood Masala, the Hip-Hop and load in as much of Classical Music you can.  Of course listen to your regular stuff when your mind is switched off;-)

3.     Create playlist's based on Rags (helps big time)

4.     Identify one movie song with each Rag to identify with a Rag

5.     Spend time, be patient and sing out every new Rag you learn.

6.     If you are not good at signing, then use a key board to understand the Rag. Play it out and see the play of keys

7.     Do not try learning everything. Focus on a few you love and go deep.

8.     Fail fail till you succeed. You will get frustrated in the journey but once you get past that, it will be fun.

9.     Understand the following terms - That, Aroho, Avaroha, Samvadi, Pakad (All simple concepts just sound complicated and dont bother about the terms as much as what they mean)

10.   Music is like Math - time however is a dominant axis! That was my way of looking at it.

I focused on Rag Kalavati to begin with. Why? This rag has lured me from the time I started to be drawn back into the world of 'Hindustani':-)  There is a rendition from Dr Prabha Atre which is beautiful. I heard it and wanted to listen to end endlessly. The most fascinating thing about this Rag is the parts where the notes NSG. SGP  brings in a kind of beauty I cannot explain. This Rag is based on the Khamaj 'That'. 'That' is a structure of notes which defines the permissible notes resulting in different beautiful Rags based on the usage of those notes. Khamaj has the following notes:

S R G m P D n S'

Rag Kalavati essentially has the following Aroha and Avaroha (you can find a whole lot of literature about this Rag around the net)

S G P D n S' and S' n D P G S respectively.

Now if you listen to the song from the hindi movie - Hai Agar Dushman Zamana Kam Nahin - You can see a resemblance to this Rag. However there are a lot of places where the rules are violated.  

When you listen carefully to the rendition mentioned above starting in the 5:57 minute going onto 7:10 minutes you will appreciate the various aspects of this Rag and probably understand the notes used better.

The next Rag tried and tested today is the Rag Des. Most of you would immediately relate to this one thanks to 'Vande Mataram' a song you immediately sing as soon as you dabble with this Rag. However on closer look and playing it was so easy to confuse this to Khamaaj and Tilak Kamod. As I played the Rag I realized that the song - 'Aaoge Jab Tum from Jab We met' is hovering around this Rag and that got me to understand Khamaaj.

The structures of all of these Rags are mentioned here for your reference

Rag Desh Aroha and Avarohana

S R m P N S

S’ R’ n D P m G R G ‘N S

See how G is absent when ascending and how the N changes when descending with an addition of D and G

Khamaaj:

'N S G m P N S'. (R of Des is absent)

S' n D P m P D G m R S 

I am yet to learn a whole lot in these Rags but the start was exciting and being able to play it and try out some of my own stuff was even better. 

Sorry to bore my non-musical readers. But well I was excited and wanted to write down notes to myself. Hopefully the next few days are about a journey through various Rags and music. 

Today was a definite 'win' day - Dad and Mum also played on my Keyboard and picked up a few basics very easily. 

Happy Childrens Day

Children make me happy:-)
Children make me care!
Children make me forget time!
Children teach me that life is actually fair!

They have all taught me how to live.
They have taught me to just be.
They have taught me life can be easy.
Its about how we choose to see!

They are born in completely new times
They are born to explore things unknown
They are born to amazing Moms
Friends of mine with whom I have grown!

I am sure they will turn out just fine
I am sure they will live it up too
Cheers to their naughtiness
Cheers to their innocence true!

To all the lovely kids who have given me a reason to live, smile and blessed me with moments of happiness that I cannot describe. They have brought out the maternal side in me at times. (marriage notwithstanding) I wish all of you the best life ahead, the best experiences and most importantly I wish that you - yourself experience life and live and learn. Wishing all of you transform into wonders that will conquer the world.

Here is to Arna, Aanya, Arjun, Dhwani (kutti), Mahika, Manmay (Tai), Naisha, Nayan, Ria,  and many other kids who have brought about a smile always.  Happy childrens day!

Another year gone by

Cant believe another year has gone past. This year had started with excitement and a promise. Like its start it was full of interesting encounters and changes in my life. From strange long sleepless nights in Portland to exciting but nervous days of leaving Bangalore, the year has offered a lot to me. The highlight of this year of my life has been ‘music’. I know I have come back to this love of my life and I am determined to invest, learn and unearth new things. I have started to take a leap. A leap towards trying, letting go, fearlessly embracing all that is real and possible. I have also mastered the art of treading back to my past like it is new and make fresh starts on many fronts. I am lost though and depressed as always on this day- My Birthday! Probably because it reminds me that one is expected to grow, change and feel accomplished as time goes by. And yet here I am clueless about most parts of my life and waiting to accomplish so much more. I feel like I am in the garden of Eden surrounded by apples that all look enticing. I have a desire to try them all and have no clue which ones I really want to pick.

As always people have been an important and integral part of my life. I want to thank a stranger who had no clue but inspired me to try, believe and go back to a lot of passions opening my eyes to what I have been missing. Also for teaching me brevity, patience and most importantly for making me realize that it’s the mind that can make anything or anyone turn into gold! I want to thank N for connecting again, accepting me despite all changes we have both been through and for the lovely bond we still share. For telling me the ‘secret’ that is me!  Then of course there has been so much I have found in the long pointless conversations at boca over a ‘sutta’ or two! Most importantly I have learned that friends do disagree, bicker and get on each others nerves. However, in a far off land when you get lonely despite the diversity the city has to offer, realizations strike about how comfort and nothingness spent together can never be replaced with new found passions or friends – Faces of those friends come back bringing back a smile and  one stares up in the sky gaping at a bunch of fleeting birds going back home or a flight taking off at heathrow! Thanks T, S for being around as always! Then of course you return home on days wanting to reach out to someone who will always open the door no matter what time of the day it is. A thanks for being that friend who is 'home' and also for a lovely gift - a mirror of you - 'D'

I have missed out a whole lot of people from this note and its not because they mean any less. But simply because as always I am on a flight headed to the US and  and I am running out of charge and need to shut down. Before I do shut down and welcome a new day, a new year and a new age that I feel extremely depressed about – I want to make a promise to myself that I will write whenever I feel like. I will spend a third of my year learning music, art and in creating as that’s what gives me joy. I want to give up on a lot of things and have made a good start at giving up several addictions. Just realized , people addictions are far more easier to quit than others!

Happy Birthday to myself.  

Staying Alive!

I am glad I want to write. The last few days just felt like I had lost me to a strange phenomenon! I had stopped listening to music and the excuse wasn't time but desire. I had stopped wanting to write and the excuse was not the lack of words but lack of thoughts. It was scary.

I looked in the mirror, wondering if this was really me. My wish of knowing what life would be without words or music had nearly come true! Funnily I looked just fine! Nothing had really stopped, nothing had really changed. Maybe I had even lost my ability to comprehend the change.

I have been wondering, why is it that we all live? Is life about the heart beating and time going by? How does one feel alive? Should I live beyond when my soul would be alive or should I be given a choice to end my life the day I want? I guess these are philosophical questions retorted by scientific answers and the law says we all should live and keep every soul on earth alive for as much as we can! We are all striving to keep life in our own ways. Why do we love conserving? Why do we not accept evolution? Why do we want to be high up in the food chain and look for means to be immortal? Any which ways, these questions had nothing to do with music or writing and yet I felt not any different without them.

However, when I woke up today, it was just another uninspiring day and when I stepped out, embraced the world, just like that - music came back, books did too and the writer in me is beginning to surface. However I know now, it is not the expressions or the art but something in 'me' that keeps me alive!

Good night world and have a lovely morning. I hope you wake up realizing you are in love or finding a case of money waiting to be spent! It might be fleeting, but that might give you a reason to be alive yet again!

Unusual Shadow!

Like a long unwinding snake, crawling across broken streets
Wading through the changing persona, that of splendor and then an emptiness
A black boxed extension of my universe, plays a song
Brings back a memory, a story, a desire!

I try to comprehend my own mind
I fail and give up wanting to just walk
I walk look, capture and click
I learn, I unlearn, I am drawn

In the background, I notice a face
Constantly hounding me with a smile
Following me, telling me, just being around
I think its my shadow and leave it to hound!

The sun sets just the way it rose
The moon creeps up shining in the sky
I see the face, still alive, wanting a peep!
At the hour when they say shadows go to sleep

I wonder what it is then?
Who is it I should have thought!
Instead I am lost writing an experience
The shadow was just my reason to not!


I know for most this is the most unusual form of poetry or prose, who cares I am glad I just expressed. After all my blog is my space, or so I think!

Lyrics or Songs?

I am always torn between songs and lyrics and inevitably lyrics win. However lyrics with a bad tune just so dont!!!

Today an amazing singer passed away - Jagjit Singh. I loved his choice of Ghazals. I loved the poets he brought to life. I did think his song eventually sounded the same but there was a finesse in his voice which comes only as a natural gift. 

Poetry I believe has been my best friend even in times of distress, lulls and speed such as now. I have no time to realize where I am, I have no time to figure out how life will be tomorrow. I just know I am! in the moment. I do remember my past vividly though I wish I did not. I do make new memories every minute with no time to even savor them. There are lots of things I have stopped to do such as Run, Exercise and write. 

Since we are on the topic of poetry, I was reminded of Sri Harivansh Rai Bacchan and his poem 

' Jo Beet Gayi So Baat Gayi' 

Two songs of JS come back as a flash to me. 'Sarakti Jaaye hai ruk se naqaab, Aahista Aahista' and 'Tum ko dekha tho yeh khayaal aaya, zindagi dhoop tum ghana saaya'

Haala ki London ki sardi mai saaya nahin dhoop ki aarzoo hai! 

I am sure this would be one of those posts I will not be very proud of!:-)

London - As I see it

This city feels like the epicenter of a cultural volcano. Looks calm at the surface despite the molten, quasi states of a zillion tourists and the strong and lost identities of the immigrants! What constitutes this city? It is hard to describe - Maybe culture, Maybe trade, Maybe the feeling of belonging or the feeling of not finding it my own. For being a lover of art and culture - this feels like 'Mecca'. Today I am settled in and feel like I am beginning to belong. I have managed to watch a few plays, a few concerts, walked down most known streets. I have a list of must do's for myself before I set foot into the wilderness of the globe yet again.

- Watch all my favorite artists perform
- Watch the wicked, phantom of the opera and a few not so advertised but still awesome plays
- Finish up my short course in art direction
- Learn the piano and a few other instruments. Indulge in Music - Classical Forms, Percussion!
- Walk Zone 1 and 2 of London over a weekend!
- Take the night bus more often
- Get as many seats as possible for the London Jazz Festival.

Clicked a few pictures to remember how this journey started! Just like London says - All of you are welcome as long as you are in transit!

About addictions and giving up

I always believed I was born to be the Buddha!:-) Then reality hits me that I am just as human as the 'Hungry Buddha' is for food, or the 'Worldly Buddha' is for material needs. We all as human beings 'need' and constantly fill our lives with shallow but yet relishing fillers such as chocolates, ice creams, relationships, chatter and what not. Some of us come with an additional dimension called determination which can work either in keeping away or leading to 'addiction'.

I admit there are things I wish I could give up but have failed to.
There are people I wish to forget,
There are habits I wish to discard,
There are words I wish to delete from my vocabulary,
There are thoughts I wish that never come by,
However try as much as I do, the mind always attracts the very thoughts and things we are trying to evade.

Hence here I am yet again, determined that tomorrow will be a new day and I renounce! I do know already however that I might have this same conversation, yet again with 'You' my blog tomorrow. Afterall life is about addictions and giving up!

PS: I love chocolates, I enjoy conversations, I crave friends, I am a firm believer of love!

It was not so much, It was indeed

We were standing a few inches apart

The air between had calmed down a while ago

You turned around and asked something off me

And suddenly a storm burst out inside of me.

It wasn’t so much what you asked me to give

It was indeed that you did ask.

It wasn’t so much that nothing mattered to you

It was indeed about-  did it ever?

It wasn’t so much about how I was today

It was indeed about a past

It wasn’t so much about reality

It was indeed about faith

I have withdrawn – Broken, Stronger and Detached

You can talk, you can sing

You can ask, you can cling

But now I know the faith – will never come back

You have shattered  that for me and this time forever

Life you are a bitch sometimes!

Why I should not watch a bollywood movie, and why I should make one!

Spent the weekend watching a few movies. Ranging from 'How Cliche' to 'Argh completely crappy' and 'Seriously??!!?' my expressions just kept getting better through the evening.  However it also made me wonder why on earth was I not making movies!!! An inner voice then said  - 'Possibly because you want to tell a story!'


For beginners, Mere Brother Ki Dulhan - I mean completely predictable pointless movie. A movie that proved yet again that people will go watch Katrina because she looks good and that Imran Khan despite his various attempts at diversity is highly cliched! His lineage is not helping him anymore. The story was predictable(I mean the title says it all), the acting terrible and the music was just overwhelming excessive! A song played every few minutes and I tossed back into literally counting all sins committed in the recent past! The clothes!! OMG, why could Imran Khan not get over checks? I mean he looked like he wore the same thing throughout the movie.

Dabang?? -  A movie that has confirmed that Indian masses worship heroes (literally) and movies are not about acting or a story anymore. They are about watching hero figures perform and in return we the audience call it talent shove undulated reverence to these legendary heroes! I mean I do love mindless movies but not any piece of crap that people want to pass off. Usually with a tag that says -  'Oh well the Indian audience has so many issues, blah blah blah and they want to get away from home and leave their brains behind'. Brains I agree but sensibilities?? - Sorry!! Slapstick comedy, exaggerated dialogue based movies can be made but the director and actors need to work hard atleast to prove their worth in showing some creativity in this genre. We cannot have Salman not even attempting to sound like a UP police walah because he has a 6 pack to expose.

I pondered a bit more and concluded that 'we the Indians', 'the masses' have reverence for mindlessness. Average Indians are not drawn to art or sophistication because they have no idea how to appreciate the same. Their lives are surrounded with poverty and struggle but mostly not from an economic stand point but also a cultural stand point. Hence any evolution in terms of intelligent art is a far cry today. These movies will hence continue to make money and continue to deteriorate and take the average Indian audience away from abstract intellectual meaningful art. Heros like Salman, SRK will continue to rule because they have made their homes in these minds - Mind you not via great cinema but great salesman ship of their image and star status. It baffles me when I watch a few of these people in various interviews. Its amazing how intelligent some of these people really are and its amazing how revenues in movies have nothing to do with the movie. Instead today it has only boiled down to which star can attract the masses to the theater. The sad part is we will all continue to live in this mode unless someone has the courage to break through and stop producing mass masala with one of these stars who also has the courage to risk his/her TRP by trying out a real movie for a change.

Is there a crowd out there willing to watch something more realistic and interesting? Or will we continue to admire sub-standard ways of showcasing a story? Indian producers, directors and actors are completely capable of making a sensible, full of unreal moments, filled with music, but well made movie. But it seems like the focus has changed from truly good movie making to making money, creating a business model that works on the grounds of laziness and mass appeal. India has been the land where brilliant poets, lovely forms of music and dance thrived in everyones hearts centuries ago. Today we are sadly partitioned between a section of youth who has a thirst for sophistication and a mass that is all ready to embrace stardom for iconic value. And almost no significant individuals who seek art for its glory. I always had a story to tell,  infact several stories to tell. However today there is  very little hope that there will be anyone who will want to listen. I wonder if it will be possible in this life time that Indian Masses take a hard look at themselves and learn from their past about how we are culturally deteriorating as a nation? Or am I just being a pretentious b**tch??

Excessive mind

Have you ever felt like there is just so much you are experiencing and somehow in that moment you do want to capture and share those experiences, but you are troubled with the starting point?

I am stuck today at that exact point, where I know the last few weeks/months have been varied experiences and yet time is ticking by and I don't know where I should begin.

Recent Highlights and days to come!

• Germany - 5 cities (3days Tour)
• Stockholm - a 10 hour airport/flight experience
• Feel like a Londoner now - Got myself a Cineworld pass and watched some crappy movies just to make it worth it.
• Waiting for parents to arrive!
• Discovered some amazing music
• Watched all of 'Big Bang Theory'
• Catching up with 'How I met my mother'
• Missing home!:-(
• Missing A, S, T!
• Looking forward to life in Manchester for a bit
• Feel like I have lost control again and this time I am not even pondering about it.
• Started to cook a whole lot!
• Reading a lot of 'Quantum Physics' again.
• Back to twitter again!

Listening to

'All that you touch
and all that you see
All that you taste
All you feel.
and all that you love
and all that you hate
All you distrust
All you save.
and all that you give
and all that you deal
and all that you buy,
beg, borrow or steal.
and all you create
and all you destroy
and all that you do
and all that you say.
and all that you eat
And everyone you meet
and all that you slight
And everyone you fight.
and all that is now
and all that is gone
and all that's to come
and everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon. '

So true, life is after all the dark side of the moon!

Silence?

Your silence is killing. Your presence in it even more.
Sometimes I wish I went deaf to the silences with incoherent voices of the past.

My favorite songs of the month

I guess I have been listening to some amazing music. Not promising any of it is really new but just wanted to share my list nevertheless.

Race with the devil on a spanish highway (One the best jazz numbers)

Drumming is awesome, guitaring even better. It is sheer joy! Jazz in many ways is a game of maths, timing and numbers. Once you get the hang of it, it takes percussion to a different level and makes it an enjoyable experience.

A piece of Hindustani classical that is just too captivating to common man and otherwise. It is not too complex a piece but the benaras gharana tabla is just too appealing. Also the variety of notes and pitches the singer is able to touch at points is not easy to reproduce at all.

Jagjit singh at his best: Trying to get my hands on a recording I have on my disk. Love this one for the lyrics especially and there is a version where Jagjit sign shows the difference in the words Janaab and Huzur via his singing in the last stanza. That is the part that appeals the most to me.

Some amazing classical by a lady becoming my favourite: Malini Rajurkar:

Veena tai for I have a special affinity to her voice. Sounds like someone I know very much.

Heard her live in Bangalore and was a concert I will not forget.

Hope you all enjoy these as well.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

What a movie! It took me a while to enjoy it simply because the first time you watch it, the mind needs to get aligned to whats coming. I loved the movie for it is

• Cool
• Brilliantly Shot
• Has a background score that will haunt you forever
• Has a message somewhere.
• Has some brilliant acting (Tuco!!!)

You might not enjoy this movie if you like realism, don't expect a few snags and if you are not looking for any macho-ism on display. This movie to me draws a parallel to Sholay. It would have set a precedent in its time and it is not so much Clint Eastwood but the overall experience that made this movie worth a watch a number of times. It is epic! I plan on catching up on my movie list yet again.

A new start?

Settled in London, found a house and checked in. Its strange how the process repeats itself all over again every single time when you setup a house and yet there is no short cut. You just have to go through the grill.

I have had interesting times, felt bad about moving continents, leaving an apartment behind and most importantly my friends and family in a time zone 5 hours away. At the same time I am excited about this new phase for it promises a lot of experiences.

• Marked my first day with a run in Regents park. Watched rugby, got wet in the rain and listened to music at my pace in my way and just experienced sheer bliss. I don't know if it was the run or the rain or was the fact that I knew I had established a new rapport with this city, marked my territory in the park with so many joggers, passers by and tourists, but something was monumental about my run today. I made a new memory with a new song and a new story.
• Met interesting people at a friends party and firmly believe that the world is indeed a small place and London even smaller;-) Connections from the past linger by and interesting times are yet to come.
• Learnt to play my first set of chords on the guitar - D, C, G, Am and struggling with my Open F!
• Have a long list of to-buy, an even longer list of to-dos and heck a hectic week ahead.
• Excited that my folks will finally be around and I can show them Europe and hope that the weather is not too harsh.

Looking forward to watching many a concerts and all the plays and learning some art direction. I had promised myself this year would be about re-defining myself and so far I have been at it. Whoever told it would be easy?? I was only told it would be fun!

Disha- A simple movie that got me thinking

Watching a movie on a flight is a difference experience. It actually is a very up, close and personal encounter. I tend to focus more, listen intently and grab details which I might not have in a large auditorium with several other individuals sharing my screen space!

I watched "Disha" all over again after several years. I love this movie for it is a depiction of the true industrial revolution, urbanization and the impact it has had on lives of the "aam aadmi". It showcases beautifully and yet in detail the implications of the change and the impact of the failure of a democracy to have changed the life of a rural struggling farmer.

There are moments in this movie when reality hits you hard. It shows the frustrations of a man wanting to work hard, but having no means to work in a small village. He is at the mercy of chance to get work on a particular day. He then moves onto a city - Mumbai in the hope that the various employment options will change his life. He sacrifices his happiness by leaving a socially warm, rich life to struggle in a city away from his family. Mumbai the land for mill workers in the 70's and 80's attracted loads of rural folks and gobbled them up in ways you and I cannot even fathom. "Sone ki jagah hai lekin karvat nahin badal sakte. Sote hai shift mai!" This line pretty much describes the standard of living.

The madness of a man to change his fate is depicted brilliantly. He believes he can actually dig dig and dig to find water. He digs for 12 long years, most people call him crazy and one day he does strike water. The depiction of the scene and the madness captured is brilliant. The movie does not glorify anyone or preach change. It very realistically takes us through the lives of all these characters weaving a story around different kinds of realities that existed in the 70's and 80's. I loved the movie , the characters and the small details that brought about the depth of struggle and kept me glued to reality.
There is a scene where a couple wants to "make love" but need to drive their kids outside to sleep, there is a scene where a villager asks his wife to smoke a beedi and enjoy a few vices, there is a scene where dead machines showcase the redundancy of man! I recommend this movie to anyone who has an appetite for reality and social art house movies.  The movie has had a special impact on me and has made me want to understand more about the lives of people I rarely meet, individuals in rural India , individuals who are the majority of India! Someday I hope, I can make a film with this much depth, simplicity and brilliance.

I bow down Sai Paranjpaye!

Whirlpool of fast forwards and rewinds. No time for stills

Lots has happened since I last wrote down a post. Goa, Badami, Cycling expeditions, New Countries, Understanding of physics, Music and sound, More Hindustani music and what not!

Well I thoroughly enjoyed Goa, specially the time spent on the road, bike and with myself traversing the strange hidden spots of this fantastic lovely quaint town that I will definitely go back to. I will go back and write a book or just write blurbs some day. The sea just brings out some hidden thoughts and makes me very quiet and pensive. Cousin time was amazing with all of us just chilling out and relaxing. Life just had 3 motives - eat, drink and be merry!

The next trip was a random one, hot weather and history coupled with Architecture - A subject I secretly enjoyed. I am very fascinated by proportions, expressions and structures. Ancient times were all about civilizations, boundaries and structures that defined cities, strength and boundaries. Today architecture has boiled down to convenience more than art. We are saddled with the limitations of realigning versus building from scratch. I mean years ago people got a structureless earth on a platter (possibly) and ended up crafting their own civilizations. Today we have crafted our cities and towns. However, yet there is a huge expanse of unconquered territory. I got bitten by wasps, stung by bees and scraped by bats. I ate in huts and relished the basic food of a villager, traveled by train and enjoyed fabulous conversations with friends, random connections and extremely learned folks.

I also spent an interesting week with an old friend. We gazed at stars and I realized and remembered how much I loved astronomy. As a child, I would spend long hours, gazing into a clear sky. The street lights were non existent, the eyes curious and I would watch. I would then read. I remember the black book I had which was called "All about space". I then began to go back and read up my basics. One night watching a news flash about the experiment of sending an extremely hi-tech hubble telescope into space to capture light beyond frequency of visible eyes, which lead to the discovery of the cosmic light got my attention. I then spent several nights reading up on the theory of light and its application in understanding the origin of the universe. I realized at a fundamental level the world of researchers was split between nothing and infinite. Two sides of the same coin. Shunya and Infinity - Again something that I had discussed at length over my Badami trip. Seems like am part of the Shunya clan that believes that the universe emerged from nothing vs the other set that believes that the universe always existed as infinite. Anyways the research from this particular experiment and facts I read, alluded to high possibilities that the universe did not in fact start from a dot, but was always and is just expanding.

Astronomy drew me to science and I picked up my old time favorite Mr Feynman. Gosh! is there joy in learning about heat, resistance and social interactions scientifically? I so wish I could go back and learn all over again in an entire new way.

I also realized that at the root of it, I am a very curious person. I was curious about sound and frequencies. I was curious about learning as to how certain wavelengths of light we cannot see but can hear by tuning into our radios. I wanted to understand why certain patterns of notes arouse a certain mood in us. There is of course science to things. I love some musical pieces immensely and never understood why. I then began to pay attention and I realized I truly enjoy music that has certain nuances such as usage of adjacent musical notes for instance. Like in Rag Lalit the usage of M' and M with the G and similarly NiSR' all adjacent produces some sort of amazing twists that my ear enjoys. Similarly there is this strange connection I have with Rag Kalavati. Prabha Atre's rendition is possibly the most amazing one. What a voice and what clarity she has. The effortlessness is awesome just like it is with Ashwini Bhide or Kishori Amonkar. I have learnt a whole lot about sound, music, recording, mixing and spent significant long hours only listening to sounds and variations.

Finally, I am moving, I am moving base for a little bit to London. The move needs a whole new post I know. But I am excited for this is going to be my year of travel. I am extremely weary about letting go. I will miss my friends, my loved ones and my apartment and life back in Bangalore. I have not had the time to write and capture the changes in my life. But I do know this year is fast paced and I am loving it. I have changed very distinctly in the last 1 year. For the first time in my life in years I think I have been extremely happy with myself and my time on my own. I am doing things I love and care for. I am not driven by love or by other people in my life or so I would like to believe. I am finally living for the expressions within me, the music in me that wants to just be allowed to experience itself, the energy in me waiting to do so many things, the nomad in me wanting to explore and experience cities, people and silences. I will update this space more, I will write more, I will watch the stars, I will capture pictures, I will sing more and I will learn a lot more this year. I just know! I wish I can rewind or move ahead and fast forward, but life is a motion picture. I did learn the art to pause and sometimes enjoy the stills!

Old connections and new relationships

From the moment they set their eyes it was intense. The twinkle in one lured the other and before they knew it, just like that, by the works of destiny they were involved. Involved in each others emotions. They were invested! Invested in each others lives. They were bound! Bound by each others presence. It was rare to ever experience strong instant attraction and yet, it just seemed to have happened leaving them with no space to decipher the laws of nature. And then…. they walked past life’s significant milestones, doing things they were driven or destined to do. Not knowing if the other even existed. The passion was lost, the familiarity gave way to distances, the connection seemed broken. They often wondered- “What had really bound them back then? Not interests, not passions or causes. Probably it was sheer emotions and a strange untold bond.” They often wondered why it ever happened and if it really did happen??

After many years of being strangers, they met again. Two different people traversing the same spaces of time starting together often end up becoming complete strangers. Simply because their experiences, their evolution probably was so different. However memories have the power of connecting people in strange ways. They discovered, they spoke, they felt a connection. Except they were surprised at what they found. Over the years when they started as two complete different people, went over different experiences they somehow today seemed like they had found their common ground. They were after all very similar indeed. There is no definite end to connections we make, no defined ways in which they shape up, no predictable ways in which they evolve. But it seems like most connections have a purpose and if not today after several years we do learn to appreciate what we never saw in them. They could then be sheer memories or just sometimes if you are lucky  a connection once can become a new relationship with the same person in the same life time.

A toddlers view of the world!

It started out to be a lazy day. I woke up late, wandered around, sipped on tea, read the papers and listened to some music. The urge to figure the technicalities of my key board pushed me out of this mode and off I went looking for the manual. Funnily the keyboard was forgotten, the laziness sunk in again and I found myself in front of a pile of old papers. Reluctantly I started to open it and read. It was a surprising, shocking, revealing afternoon. "There is treasure everywhere!" says Calvin! Indeed! I found sheets of paper preciously scribbled with puerile illusions/thoughts and imprints. Things I have written over the years and managed to salvage. The beauty lies in how some were folded like they lived in pockets of a teenager, some nicely filed like they meant something special to a tiny toddler and some scribbled with scratches telling me how difficult it was for a high school kid to think, create and work without spell checks!

I decided to bring back to life a few of those creations! Filing them on my blog as a memory, an archive that I might not lose as easily as paper with blurred ink and pencil!

A Real man and a real friend

If you help at times of need

And always do good deeds

At times even if you give them your heed

Then you are a real friend.

If you always work for your feed

And also reap your self grown seeds

Also if you have the right way to lead

Then you are a real man

- Meeta Gangrade (Class III)

Gandhiji

Truth is the right way

Which has to be followed everyday

Violence is nothing, but shatters everything

These were the words of his.

He fought for our rights

But violence was never in sight

HE freed his motherland

Which was by a great non-violent fight.

-Meeta Gangrade (Class IV)

The uncared child

This poem is about a child who is upset with life and is not happy with the world. He sits depressed and thinks.

I sat one morn

And wondered why I was born?

To face an evil world

Where there was no straight road.

My parents never cared for me

They always seemed a scare to me

I cursed god all day

But was to my dismay.

--Meeta Gangrade (Class IV)

The Court

In black and white

All stand tight

Silence in the room

And all are in sight

Then comes the judge

And then a bang-bang

A queer looking man

Who should be hanged

Arguments start

The judge listens keenly too

Each one tries to say his part

And the crowd is waiting for a clue.

Finally the judge

Says a word or two

People leave the courtroom

Silently wearing their nice little shoes.

- Meeta Gangrade (Class III)
** I remember I only spoke in English. Had learned a few hard words and used to try hard to use them in my sentences. 

A friend

Tooth are rooted

On your base that is suited ,

Only for my prideful hands.

We take you for granted

As if, you are unwanted

But you are the cause of my plight,

I always greet you with delight.

For you also decide my fate

As you help me impress all my mates.

You also decide the state

Of my eager hair, for you they do await.

You just rumble past my hair

And set them back to place a where

They look cool neat and fair

Oh comb! My friend, I need you everywhere!

- Meeta Gangrade (Class IV)

** Clearly I was obsessed with rhymes, impressions and hair do's!

Victory

There was a cliff, broken withered and sleek!

My aim- to reach its summit, its peak.

I started out afresh, with nothing more than a walking stick.

But at every juncture, I wanted more and I became quick.

The path broken, the peak out of sight...(gosh)!

I raised my will and mustered all my might.

I began again, tired at times, I would stop

But I never kept out of sight, my dream- The top.

And I would again want to get there and win

But all the while hoping my "victory" wasn't a whim.

I crawled, I ran, I waded, I slid and fell.

I went through torment, bliss and hell.

But in each minute lived in my adventure

I know just one thing that was true

Despite all this troubled stature

"Oh Victory"- I was getting closer and closer to you!

- Meeta Gangrade (Class VII)

Black Swan

There is something about the dark which is also perfect.

You unleash, you let go, you come to terms with your inner self.

There is something about black that makes the hue complete.

It stains, it covers, it tarnishes, daub it over and you erase the white!

I have in me passion that stems from ghosts of my own making.

I have in me desire waiting to unravel in a moment ripe in spite.

I have in me venom stemming from the marvels of the day.

I have in me a song unsung to shatter the noise inside my soul.

Take over and let me out of bounds;

Ignite me to burn into ash the dead inside me.

Let the beauty be raw and undesirable at show.

I promise I will stand all white waiting to live again!

Inspired by the movie Black Swan!

Anything I write about the movie will not do justice to what I felt when I saw the movie. Sheer genius comes live in the story, the telling and the performance. I know I will always watch this movie and go back to the dark looking for something, feeling like the dark sides of me are after all not an illusion. The movie kept me absorbed all through. The story has me thinking beyond my sleep, the performance was flawless, the direction and camera work simply perfect! I recommend you watch the movie. I know I will many a times again.

Who am I?

I have been on a journey of self realization, pondering and discovery off late. Just wanted to jot down things that came to my mind. 

• I love free flow more than structure.
• I am curious but not to conclude.
• I like shades and not defined colours.
• I appreciate small things but dislike details.
• I enjoy logic, but know that there is randomness behind reason.

• I have not mastered or even gotten close to knowing how to communicate.
• I have to do something about an idea in my mind in the first few minutes of its inception. Else I know I never will!
• I always reconcile very quickly with behavioral realities of people, even if it is something I do not completely understand. In the process I have begun to forget what I truly agree with.
• Human behaviour can be understood and not many have the time to delve into it beyond words, actions and discover intent.
• I would probably be very unhappy if things would turn out to be exactly how they seemed.

There is a pattern to me and I am beginning to discover it. I am not sure where this phase of discovery is going to end. All I know is that it is sometimes extremely taxing to spend time with yourself to understand; as it might be relaxing to unwind into the soul. Someday, I might again jot down a few notes and the blogging world just might help me reconcile the change!

Untitled!

There are twisted spaces and there are thoughts galore! Images, imagination, reality, words all casting disconnected impressions. There are zones of black dangerously lurking around; showing up in random colours. Tame it, let it be or decipher the patterns. Win over or succumb, choices sometimes are never yours! Mystery, memory, desire and fixed ways; all emerge and converge in a whirl out here. You know I can never describe you in totality or even make sense if I say it in parts!

Of wanting and getting!

There is always some joy when things happen the way you expect them to. There is a bigger joy if what happens is what you really really wanted as opposed to knew and did not want.

Sometimes I wish I could capture some moments. Like when one gets a reply to an sms they anticipated, or when a child finds a gift from Santa when it wakes up on Christmas day. Don't most of us in our minds create a plan based on anticipation or reactions we hope for? And optimism prevails in most lives! However, with this imagination comes disappointment too. But is it really possible to not expect or have any pre-conceived notions of our lives?

I am at a strange juncture of my life, where I want or desire things I cannot have, where I have given up on big things and look forward to very small things. Yet, I have not mastered the art of non-anticipation. I realized for all the science that I read, I am a believer in a larger power, I am believer of circumstance, destiny and magical connections. I have been disproved several times and yet I believe this is what adds to the charm of my life. I used to believe in what someone once taught me - If you really want something you will get it. If not you never wanted it enough. Maybe I have forgotten the art of wanting or maybe I need to get scientific again. Whatever it is, there is a lesson that needs to be learnt and I am stubborn about not wanting to learn it.

There is poetry I sent out to you.
There is a silence still, that I left out there!
There is a fragrance left to remind you.
There might even be chatter everywhere!

There is a glance that stemmed from my emotion;
There is a thought woven in that mist.
There is the said and the unsaid story!
There is a dash of lemon in that twist.

I look and find what I want so bad.
Though I mostly see it with closed eyes!
Sometimes I know I will never find,
What I was looking for in the dark night skies!

Time...

Some times I find it hard to get past a few hours. Sometimes there is just so much to do! Despite the fact that time is ticking by and our experiences get summed up over its axis, I wonder if there is any other dimension that controls our lives as much? A lot of people find it hard to find time and yet  I know some that are literally whiling it in my view. Though I claimed that I am unable to strike a balance with contradictions to my personality, I think I have in a lot of ways managed to strike a balance and mostly find time for things that I care about.

People, Music, Work, Experimenting with everything in life, Art, Fitness and myself! 

I seldom find 24 hours too little and maybe it is because I do not value sleep as much. Or maybe it is because in everything I do, I try and find passion and joy! Some people tell me it is probably because I am a free bird not responsible for any other life or lives. But come on, aren't we all free or bound by our own making? Anyways, I am glad I have struck a balance, despite the corporate life that binds a lot of us and mostly it is also thanks to people around me that make this time killing a joy ride!

Unsaid and Unspoken

She silently watched as he walked past. The glance implied something more. Almost magically they connected. Discovering the contours of their personalities. It is possible to fit into something that might be empty. But how does one fit around spaces of something and someone already full? There is excitement in the unknown, just as there is an unexplained desire to belong and be sure. Silences followed by spaces, intensity broken by distances and contours turning into zones started to all define something. They were fluid but is that enough? Do we either fit or not? They moved from unclaimed to defined, from hazy contours to boundaries, from feeling to knowing and from being to planning and yet they had so much more to discover. He walked past yet again, this time she watched and the glance did imply something. It meant they were connected, they knew and the possibly the knowing killed it all or possibly they yet fit into each others lives in more defined ways.

A quote comes to my mind just like that:

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
- Dorothy Nevil.

Similarly
"Relationships are about knowing as much as leaving spaces to be found or kept unknown!"

Of stationary microphones and Annual Days

After long I got a chance to go watch an annual day celebration. Technology has taken over, economic boom is visible in the setup, but the performances remain cute as ever! I was just taken back into memory lane. I studied in a Kendriya Vidyalaya for a significant part of my life (And thank god for that). It really meant, I spent most Saturday's in what was then called - Co-Curricular Activities. These ranged from Debates, Skits, Extempore speeches, Singing, Instrumental, Reading, Poetry Reading and what not. It also meant that most of the week was spent either preparing or in anticipation of this day.

"Annual Day's" meant practice sessions for months. We were never blessed with fancy equipment, digital technology and dances always meant - Live play back singing! I remember working on costumes, stage setup, electrical fittings and even fixing instruments and making our own drum kit.

My first appearances on stage started in LKG. Where I was asked to deliver the "Vote of thanks" on our sports day. God I wonder now why we thanked the world in those speeches. I apparently delivered the speech confidently from behind a podium and was just not visible. Finally the teacher lifted me and put me on a table when people were clapping.

In my 2nd standard I participated in a puppet skit where, real kids pretended to be puppets and I was the lead protagonist called -"Dhanno Bai". I remember I was a nagging wife who kept asking her husband why he did not bring back fish after the long day at work!

Though I loved percussion, I ended up always playing the harmonium for group songs because I could sing and play and also we had a few other percussionists but no other harmonium player. However I always more than made up for it for all group dances where I ruled the bongos! A few popular numbers were:

• "Resham Ka Rumaal- I sang and played"
• A naga dance with all my friends dressed in leaves - "Humba ho Humba", 
• A bihu number:" Jigor Nouton Digon tolai" and more.

Every annual day had boring long speeches at the start, prize distribution ceremonies and then the fun events. There was always a grand finale every year and every year when I heard the applause I did wish, some day I could sit out there in the audience and watch. Watch how our timing was, how the play back sounded or how the lighting worked. Every year, the stage opened with a few hands pulling the curtains and the stage closed...there was energy, enthusiasm and a lot of hard work that came to light between the two. People forgot, performances went bad and yet every time the parents clapped.

Watching the toddlers perform was an amazing experience. Watching the super excited parents even more amusing. Some day I wish I can go back to teaching at school. Some day I wish I can go back to my school and just once more stand on that stage and leave my fears behind!

Striving to strike a balance

I have been bothered by my inability to strike a balance! I wish I could just think less, ponder less, care less and be brutal at times. I have such random sides to myself that I sometimes wonder how one personality exists with all these dichotomies! I want to be blunt, but I end up being polite. I want to let go, I force myself to hold on. I want to give up and yet I work hard. I want to stay fit and yet I succumb to temptations! I want to be quiet and yet I speak! I wanted to just figure this out in my head and yet here I am writing a blog!

...

Tired, Happy, Apprehensive and thinking sleep will hit me at some point in time.

Good morning to the world!

Insomnia is good afterall

Long day, new city, tiring week and looking forward to a weekend to be spent with special people! The only words that come to my mind:

A flock of sheep that leisurely pass by
One after one; the sound of rain, and bees
Murmuring; the fall of rivers, winds and seas,
Smooth fields, white sheets of water, and pure sky -
I've thought of all by turns, and still I lie
Sleepless...
~William Wordsworth

I admit afterall!

I admit I am intrigued!
I admit I am annoyed!
I admit I am lured!
I admit I am desperate!
I admit I am calm!
I admit I am restless!
I admit I do read a palm!

I love chases and chase I will! Till I know beyond doubt that it is an illusion or it never was!

Death and the dark sides of life

Death I wonder, can never be easy especially for the ones left behind. Most people wish different kinds of deaths. Peaceful, painless, some after 100's of years and some just want something heroic. Have you ever wondered what people will remember you as? Will people remember you? Will folks care that you are not there anymore? Will it make any difference? If not? Why do we strive hard everyday? Is it for us? Is it for a perception we want to create about us? Is it because it is instinct and we as a race do not know otherwise?

Life always intrigues me. Lives and humans even more! I have always been easily lured by deep dark insights of our existence and the pointlessness of this ordeal. I might just be a soul, I might just be a composition of energy waiting to be converted to another form. I might just be elements waiting to get back to the universe. I might not even be true. I might just be a thought with imagination. I might be a creative character of another race. I might not be worth anything at all actually. But I realize I will never find answers or know the truth. But whatever I am, I am sure at this instance this is what I am driven by. I am driven to writing a blog right now. I am tired after a long day watching lives being controlled, destroyed and sometimes re-designed by destiny. I am reminded again about the human race and how pathetic or glorious we can be. How important we make ourselvevs to be, maybe it is because we are after all a large (over 6 billion) clan!

Ode to my drums!

Today was an intense day. Somehow, I had only one thing that was constant - Music. I got to listen to 10 hours of play time almost. Listened to Classical, Jazz, Ghazals mostly.  I got back tired and yet when I sat on my drums, I just felt alive and in another world. I mixed modes in the most bizzare ways, but I know there was some magic. For my wrists felt so lose and yet in control. My feet effortlessly joined along. It felt amazing and effortless today. After long!
 
My fingers just begin to sway...
Kathy's waltz was it?
Keys high and sometimes away
Faiz's poetry strung it?

I sat and felt compelled to beat
Swing on rocky torrents and rain!
Bongos tried to jazzy feats!
Malhars mixed with modern disdain!

Maybe its my angst at times,
Maybe its how I really feel
Maybe its peace that did chime
Maybe its its what makes me real!

You stand there I know like a rock, beaten and yet so musical!
You stand there like you silently know, what I never said but played on you!

Daub me! When colours be perfumes!

My experiments with oil after 9th Grade

I have just too much going on in my mind. I watched a brilliant movie today - Dhobi Ghat. After long I actually felt that Indian cinema had arrived. I am a fan of abstraction and loved the abstract story which had no starting or ending and merely showed me reality which most of us hate because we want to define everything around. This was coupled with brilliant perspective and story telling. I mean some shots were just poetry! I could not have revealed feelings any better said some shots.

Loved the scene where "Amar" was filling up his drink with the rain water, or where the maid serves two distinct cups of tea portraying stature of some sort, saying so much and how shai picked the one that was not intended for her. The expression on Yasmins face in the last shot of the letter was just so heart wrenching. I loved the way Kiran Rao expressed! I save the review of this movie for another post, but this movie shook me up, taking me back to Mumbai, the rains, the maid pragya we had and the mindless rush through traffic on my scooter or in crowded locals. The kababs at bade miya and the discovery of a cafe "fiesta" a small little bakery in Malad. It reminded me of how much there was to take in that city just as I recall losing a lot of myself there too.

I got back and listened to some jazz music for a bit and suddenly was inspired to pull out my oil paints. Had a box of wood I had intended to junk away and decided to work my way with a broken brush, a frozen brush, knife and my fingers! I always knew if I ever painted, it would be abstract too just as the stories in my mind or life have been. It was the first time I experimented with colour. (I have tried black and white sketches a couple of times)!  It does not matter how the painting turns out honestly. What matters is that the process is just so amazing, I was lost for an hour or more almost like all my thoughts came together and expressed themselves in each stroke. There is something in creating with your hands... the same gush you feel when you drum or play table tennis?? No! This felt different! I could see the variation in what came out as the evening went past. I could feel a part of me take shape in colours. I knew a zillion thoughts, shades, stories, people came into my mind when painting. Though nagging thoughts of boredom just walked out succumbing to focus and intensity! I loved my hour with the paint. I felt the wood, the wet colours stuck on and I could smell the turpentine all over and for once it felt almost like the fragrance of a new perfume. A perfume I know, I would daub on myself many a times in the coming days!

My Favs

Anyone who knows me....knows the fact that I have the most bizarre and extreme tastes when it comes to music. I also tend to be super obsessed about a song for a phase of my life. I can listen to the same song endlessly on repeat mode for over a month. So I decided it is worthwhile to write down some of my fav songs and also figure out why I did like them when I did


My Top Songs for lyrics:

• Tujhse Naraaz Nahin Zindagi : What a realistic song. It always reminds me of moments when I am angry about life but not really because I have no one to blame! Beautifully crafted and makes so much sense for the context of the movie
• Dashte- Tanhai (Thanks Rads for it): What a piece of Poetry and sung so well by iqbal bano!
• Hothon Se choo lo tum: Love and longing so beautifully expressed
• Koi yeah kaise bataye ki woh tanha kyun hai: I mean sheer poetry!
• Dil Cheez Kya Hai aap meri Jaan Lejiye: Is there a better way to express self renunciation?
• Guncha koi tere naam kar diya: The voice, the situation and the moment just make this a charm
• Save the best for last: I can relate to this at various moments of my life. Maybe my stories are so similar
• Winner takes it all: Have I never felt like a loser?

Phases and Songs:

There are songs associated to phases, people and places in my life.

• Tumse Yun Milenge: Literally reminds me of how I had never expected to meet someone randomly and bond over a song
• All Compositions of Devdas/Dil Chahta hai/Chalte Chalte: My life in mumbai
• Jaadu hai nasha hai: S's car, a bad theater in mumbai!
• Peeloon: Dedicated to the mom and daughter in my  life and several trips where people were subjected to it
• Teri Justajoo: Aah the lunch and screeching in my car with 3 of us singing!
• Crying (Don McLean): A certain someone who introduced me to most passions in my life
• Piya tose naina lage re: The song I was famous for in school!
• Resham Ka (Ila Arun): My sister who thought I sounded like her. The only time she ever complimented my skills in singing.
• Reason (hoobstank): Chicago
• Believe (Cher): My detriot trip
• Take Five: Can always listen to it and drum along

The list is actually endless....

Songs and music always fill my life and I am known to like the crazy "Sadnaal karle party" type songs to Jazz to Indian and western classical. I know I am kicked and most happy with my iPOD when running, cycling, walking or just driving to work in my car! I always wondered, if I was to lose one of my senses which one would kill me...I am yet to figure who wins between my ears (For I love music), My sense of smell (I cannot not smell) or my speech! (it is so hard to not speak!). There are a thousand more which have not got a mention today. But someday I will compose a list of 100 fav songs! Someday I will!