Knotted after a Sojourn home

Just back from a fleeting but much awaited trip to India (home)! Right from when the flight announces its intent to land on home ground,  anxiety takes over. An unwarranted but constant battle begins - that between-  Expectations and reality! Past and present! Change and Constants! 

The first few hours were spent reconciling between all my worlds. Estranged connections started to wire up and the contours of the city I visited a year ago began to take shape. It seemed like a lot had happened in the time I was away. The city had a strange arrogance this time around. Perhaps I noticed it just as an Audi whooshed past. The city was embellished with consumerism that came to life as I drove past crowded stores of Louis Vuitton, Zara, Clarks- wondering if the hoarding of a 'Khadi Bhandar' would show up behind the rummages of the past! Just as I was looking out-  the bumpy roads, traffic jams, packed auto rickshaws  and the lady wearing jasmine on her hair, took me back to familiar ground in a jiffy. 

The IT industry had found its roots in Bangalore a few years ago. However, it seemed like it is only now that one can visualize the impact of that change, in the form of an established and definitive new culture. The denizens were foreign and yet seemed to define the very essence of the cities character. The language, the phrases, the grammar had all changed and money seemed to be dominating conversations. Even the one rupee coins had changed weight and shape. However there was a fresh energy,confidence, even sense of fashion that I saw in all segments of the city. Every job had got a new 'avatar', every service was re-packaged, every person had a new wardrobe and was technically advanced. The euphoria could be felt all around and was evident in the prosperity and choices people were making. 

The election campaign, and victory of the Aam Aadmi Party in Delhi proclaimed that change was again landing itself. This time not confining itself to a specific industry or city, but it was going to guzzle the entire nation. The victory moved me; Strangely I could feel an excruciating  yet pleasant pain within when I heard they had won. It brought back hope which had ceased to exist in this country with a dis-functional democracy. 

I realized that 'time is now' and transactional presence cannot be matched with any number of fleeting visits. I complained and struggled to find my roots in this new city like a clingy child. I failed to find a good reason to reconcile with some shallow aspects of the culture. But if you did see through all that clutter, my soul was alive again. I enjoyed spending time with family - (that is unmatched to anything in life) , meeting friends, having conversations, thinking and mostly feeling! There is just an abundance of everything out there. Maybe it is that which is overwhelming and makes me want to wander off to new cities often times. 

I am back now in London after what seemed like the longest flight ever. I walked the streets today- looking for something familiar, a face a routine, or passion. I realized that all my life I have worked hard in filling life with a constant 'longing'. Maybe thats what makes me seek and makes me empty at the same time. One needs to be 'empty' to 'fill up' and one should 'long' to 'find'. On that note, I was reminded of something thats been bothering me all day. 

“We all have an old knot in the heart we wish to untie.” 

--Michael Ondaatje 

Here is to a new year in London. Hoping some knots get tied, some untied and the year is fulfilling in its own way. 

Nostalgia and new memories

Nostalgia is almost like a compulsive stalker! It takes you back in time to the strangest of moments. Often I have found myself in a new moment, struggling to comprehend its purpose and entirety. I then experience it and end up cherishing it only in retrospect when its too late or gone!

'Life'! my dear friends can be rather short.  All I can say is that hold on to all that you live and experience in the 'now' and be glad if nostalgia stalks you, when you are bored, idle or lost. As it may just make you smile or experience what you missed out back then! If not it will end up eating into a perfectly new beautiful moment and play spoilsport.

Who am I? Where did I come from?

Clearly, there was an India when I grew up. An India that influenced me heavily in becoming who I am today.  There was a city, Bangalore that I called home, there were things that constituted my world. The world around me was complex, it was that of a middle class household, modest life style, an awareness of the poor and the touch-points with the elite and the rich which kind of made the journey rather complete in its own way. However, despite how complex India was, life was truly simple!

I realized if I ever had to define myself, my core would come from that world. It was influenced by realizing and experiencing the value of money. It was about having a steadfast respect for education and a relentless faith in hard-work.

Using public transport kept me grounded to all people that constituted society. Conversing with strangers over long rides in the Indian Railway coaches,  made be bond with diversity of religion/region/food and class. Going every summer to the small towns in Madhya Pradesh and spending my vacation in villages, made me appreciate the small bits of comfort I had in our humble abode in Bangalore. Spending my time in the South taught me why music/fine arts and intellect can be wrapped in simplicity of a house with just basics and only essentials. Whilst spending summers in the North of India made me realize that there is sometimes joy in just taking risks and being fearless about experimenting and coming home and enjoying some indulgence. My world was a microcosm of so many contradictions that at a very early age I had to think and make choices and choose things that became my identity overtime. I had the time and space to think while cycling peacefully home after a long day or when there was an electricity outage and all of us friends would just be out on the streets chatting. Life was busy, physically exhausting, but I just felt like I had time and space and there was not too much to clutter my mind.

Far away from those years, I just look around and I am in London, on a couch, typing on a computer which of course brings the entire world right next to me, one click or search away. I have all the time to experience virtually. I can read the story of the making of the Indian railways, I can even get the map and explore the stations I passed every summer on my way from Bangalore to Delhi. I can probably get back to India from London in lesser time than what I spent travelling to Delhi. I can read about classical music, I can even find my little village on google map. But what I see is clutter, data and information. These days I cannot seem to find the space and time to assimilate what I experience and actually absorb from it. I cannot find time to reflect and make choices. I just feel overwhelmed with it all. In all this comfort, I want to slide back on a uncomfortable sleeper coach or sit by the street light of Rajajinagar chatting away with my friends waiting for the electricity to come back. I don't know the right or wrong of it all, all of the above are just opinions and not judgement of any sorts. I guess I am for now energized to cage my thoughts and times and start to tell you stories of when I was a child!

Hopefully I do get down to doing it.

Emotions

Emotion - one of the biggest highs and lows of life. I am so turned on by emotion, it is unbelievable. I get so disturbed by the lack of it, that it is scary. I translate it into so many varied expressions, I wonder if it does come out the way I want it to.

Either ways what the heck - the mind drives the heart or the heart drives the mind, who knows. I feel and hence I am alive!

Watching another fabulous movie Trikal - Past Present and Future by Shyam Benegal! I wonder if I can just feel or really tell a story!

Wisdom - cannot be taught, needs to be discovered

It is very hard to find common ground amongst people unwilling to see, listen or comprehend.  Answers should never be given, answers need to be discovered. Its best to point a person to an experience that helps them find!

I want to break free

Its one of those days when I don't want to think. I want to sing. I want to tap my fingers. I want to just feel the fresh air, the light and the flesh inside of me. I want be free of my ties, my thoughts, my mails, my texts, my books, my computer and wander about. I want to just be one with those notes that I sing! I want to be lost in those beats that I hear even when nothing is playing. I want to possibly just empty myself of everything inside of me and fill myself with possibly what matters the most – peace??freedom? or nothing?

Big Ben

Not a long time ago, I lived in Bangalore. Its actually been 2 whole years since I have moved countries, moved homes and started on what almost seems like a whole new life. The premise of this life was based on leaving a lot behind. Funnily, after 2 years of finding myself in a new place I realized - there is a lot I have found, a lot I have lost and a lot is yet to be explored.

I have truly learned to let go - how else can one make a fresh start. I have learned to detach and reattach. I have discovered music which is probably the most important aspect of my life today. I love London - like I love any city I live in. I love the streets/trains/experiences/big ben/ food/ heathrow airport. I am yet to find a comfort zone in it which comes from finding friends/conversations and looking at spots and remembering good ol times. The city is truly beautiful! The city offers a cultural experience hard to find anywhere else in the world. I associate London with percussion. I associate London with walks.

I am not sure what I set out to write but maybe London was lingering on my mind. Maybe it was because I did step out of the tube late at night to catch a glimpse of the most beautiful structure - 'Big Ben 'standing stoic late at night. Like someone just put together molten wax and created a structure so delicate like icing on a cake. Yet it stood strong like a timeless piece telling me, no matter when or no matter how I visit London - with a backpack or walking past from work. It will be the only thing that will never change!!

The year gone by - 2012

Take the plunge – you may never find out otherwise. Life is a bitch and a fairy tale! All depends on perspective! Wise people have often said the same things and crystallized the essence of life into simple one lines! Humans indignantly battle this truth and finally almost like a prophecy coming true, realization strikes! But experience we must. This year has been about experiencing a new home, writing lesser than I had promised to, chasing a few dreams, giving up a few and about simplifying my life. I have been displaced a lot more from my beliefs about belonging, purpose and desire. Primarily reconciling to the fact that physical confines and boundaries are merely a way of looking at a world setup in the medieval times. Purpose can be found in solemn dreams and desire can be fulfilled inside one self. The most notable aspect of this year was the musical journey. Structure strangely creates an unforced restrain in creativity which makes the pursuit almost exponentially more charming. All these years I just knew sounds that added beats to tunes, now I know how to just look at time as a new dimension that can dance a ballad with musical notes. I discovered so many new people, made so many new strong bonds and formed a queer new bond with myself. I am happy for 2012 has ended and I have several new impressions to add to my personality. How though will 2013 turn out? We shall see.

Involuntary Hiatus

Back after a break with nothing besides the paltry details of social interactions, Musical Realizations, True breaks a fortnight spent with the viruses of sorts to talk about.

Life in London continues to be good, socially hectic and artistically liberating. Decided to drop off 6 inches of hair today just for no good reason. Shopped in between. But most importantly made friends with my tabla all over again. Its interesting how restarting from scratch in some relationships can be a richer and more complete experience of sorts.

I have started to like patterns and algorithms which help me understand the rhythm! Playing with words is a new found pass time. 'Letting Go' is a new art I have learned. So lots has happened in this involuntary hiatus. I was not away doing just nothing!

I exist

If you are pre-occupied with life and death then you aren't ready for heaven. 

--Anonymous


Well well I am not sure what I am pre-occupied and busy with. But work is a good excuse, thoughts not so much!! I am assured the quality of my life needs to get better, I am just struggling with the fixes!  So much has happened and yet nothing significant to recount. I strive to keep up with a few updates. Assuming someone will some day be interested in this all. 


Amidst the busy days I yet find time to dream!! My life is heaven!  
-- Me

Nothing profound - really!

You are ethereal, fluid and true.
With the daft wind you flutter away.
In the shining sun, you glitter and sway!
When it pours, darkness seems true.
I am not, if not for you!

It was a pleasant day. I cannot recall when it began. I do remember it did at some point. I opened my eyes and saw the moon lurking - big. I slept some more, tried to dream even and finally woke up to a sunny morning. I have come to realize that I am fairly empty but light. I probably have not much to say that has not been said. It may just be easier to remain silent and absorb for a while.

On a side note, I wonder if we are all here by design or is this chaos?? Who cares, it has been a good week and no profound thoughts have made way.

London - Without a camera

Be it on the pretext of having friends around or just because the weather has been warm - I have ended up discovering a few things about London. Unfortunately, I have not carried a camera to click some of the most beautiful moments!

British Museum - A place one can spend days in. Walk down any tube station and you will be surrounded by a picture. I was almost seeing this image in my dream. Love the photograph. Trying to discover the photographer of the same.

However, the best part of the British museum (the only part I had time to explore) - was the theme of Living and Dying. This was a room describing experiences of suffering in everyones life and how as humans we find the innate ability to fight suffering and live. What I loved about this was the true stories and the realism that exists. I was surprised to find a piece of art by women in Gujrat who had embroidered on raw silk images about AIDS awareness. Pictures that depicted how it spreads, what people should avoid and really cute pictures of condoms being distributed in the mix.  There was also a master piece of a sheet that spread a few meters which had 14,000 medicines weaved into it (apparently the number of medicines an average Britisher would consume through the cycle of life). It then had small stories for each phase of life and real artefacts beneath like a masked story. Beautifully done.
On a side note, I was not that impressed by the Olympic medals which were displayed for the upcoming olympics:-d

Barclays Cycle Hire: Been wanting to use the Barclays cycle hire more. However ended up usually taking it for a casual ride to Regents park mostly. This time tried to pick it up and ride to Greenwich (17 miles ride). The scheme seems to be expensive at the outset especially if using for more than a few hours. Cycles are not maintained all that well. Its your best bet if you want to occasionally use it to get from point A to B. However if you do cycle extensively,  I would recommend buying a bicycle.
Cycling on a lovely sunny day: However the experience of cycling on a lovely sunny day was awesome. Riding through the lanes of London made me realize how much this city has to offer in every corner. The Savoy, Shaftesbury Avenue, Eataries along Noel Street and the Somerset house are places I will go back to. Makes me wonder - what is it about us humans that makes us so curious about stories of the past? Context probably is what makes everything worth it. Be it a piece of music, a piece of art or a ruin in the middle of the city. Loved Cutty Sark and would certainly want to go back for the thames riverside walk all the way down to the London Eye. I want to climb up the 316 steps of the monument and get the best view of London and go down to the Pudding Lane which was the origin of the fire in 1666! Just so much to take in and discover!

More next time with pictures hopefully.

Hope you are all having a lovely time exploring the stories around your places.

Strange Balances

It was just another day. They all woke up to get on with the mundane. He did not stop to notice how beautiful the locks of her hair looked when sunshine cast a spell. She started to straighten things back into years of togetherness shared in a home. Time ticked on, they shared their lives – a bed, a home, their meals sometimes. Years of their marriage were cast as trophies around the house in the form of collectibles.  It was hard to imagine where all of it began. The background music of a distant bark or cheer on the television broke the balance intermittently. There she was getting on dutifully – cooking, cleaning and being a good wife. He was aware of her existence and she was too. The door bell rang – cutting through the silence and there was a stranger who knocked at the wrong house. Their eyes met, they shared a glance. There she was struggling to carry a heavy piece of baggage while cleaning the room. The stranger walked up, held it for her while she continued to clean. They looked again, smiled and the stranger left. He continued to read the paper while she looked at the mirror, fixed her hair and smiled. The stranger left holding onto a fragrance and carrying the picture of a beautiful face which was etched forever in the heart. 

Life goes on and we all find our balances, its just a question of which balance do we settle for- Two empty scales or two full ones or perhaps something in between.

Buddha on a plane

Been flying, travelling and in transit for a while now. Took off early morning again to the cold land of Oslo. Watched the sun rise, saw the snow melt and just closed my eyes and stared at a blank. Few random thoughts came my way. Jotting them down.

Freedom

Strapped besides wings

Feels like a new flight to freedom

Where is it that I go? Who or what is it that I leave?

Is flying freedom? Or does it make me a captive to running away?

I can fly miles on end or stay put for years against the shores of an angry sea...

Freedom is when none of it matters

Freedom is when I am still in moving flights and transported when on the shore!

Silence

Can I be deaf to the noise around me?

Will I always need headphones to cut through it?

Will I need a song inside my soul to drift away?

Or will I truly be comfortable with silences?

Imagination

What I see with my eyes closed and mind open is inexplicably better than anything I have seen before.

Being

I am just a manifestation of my thoughts.

Love

Clear as ice, fluid like melting water, transient like vapour but without a state of nothing! Love eludes me!

Longing

I want you so bad! And yet I am willing to wait all my life in the hope that you will show up on your own. What if you are waiting too?? 

Fireplaces and a sauntering mind

Quotes that randomly crept when the fireplace was lit and the mind was let loose

• I don't lie, I just tell people what ought to be the truth!
• Houses with large mirrors are good for the ego! #Godblessmylandlady
• Fall fall till you succeed! #Iceskating #Lessonsinlife
• Need to stay away from #chocolate! Without resolution;-)
• Drumming was the only thing I was ever good at - John Bonham! I think I would re-phrase it as ' Drumming is the only thing that makes me alive!' #Realization
• My rant in a diary could be torn! I could say sorry and ask my friends to forgive me and hope that it is forgotten in time. I can't delete e-mails I have sent or remarks I have made or delete traces of data I have left in the internet space! #Realization
• Bump on my head- Attempt to clean the house oblivious to objects that are dangerous by their sheer presence in 'Meetas' house! #Selfrealization
• I know!! The only thing that keeps me awake at night or ticking in the day is that - 'I don't know!!' #SelfRealilzation
• Watching the leaves fight against the wind and finally give up! #Autumn

Hannah and her sisters

"For all my education, accomplishments and so-called wisdom, I can't fathom my own heart. "

Spent the afternoon watching a lovely Woody Allen movie and was struck by how ordinary and yet brilliant the movie was. There is something about Woody Allen that just makes life seem worth it despite the ordinary. This is a story about 3 sisters - One perfect, One recluse and the 3rd trying to re-affirm her faith in herself.

Every character is random just like Woodey Allen likes them to be. Each with their quirks. The movie shows how expectations make imperfect people look perfect. How each of us just tries to play a role and keep the balance going. How, changing the balance and equations can cause chaos and while the mind craves change, the chaos is not something we all can really deal with. Be it in the form of the 'tumor' that never was in Mickeys life, or a fling between Hannahs sister and husband the balance of Hannah and her sisters life is broken. We often carry a lot of bottled emotions, pressures in us and one fine day the balance just tips. However, we all vent and finally want to go back to a state of balance. I guess the theory of relativity does truly guide our lives.

Look around - We all have role models and ideal people who are not really what they seem but have been subjected to play that role just because that is how the evolved. We find people chasing a dream and forgetting the essence of life and life can just pass you by. What you never wanted might just be what you were always looking for.

Hannah and her sisters just left me with an urge as was quoted:


"And you're gonna believe in Jesus Christ? 
I know - sounds funny. But, I'm gonna give it a try. "

I am determined to find a faith - maybe a new Woodey Allen movie!

Bookmarks

Often when reading a book, we want to pause, sip on coffee or just ponder. Bookmarks were probably invented with a reason. I watch a movie. Then the intermission comes in drawing the part to a logical conclusion. Life is full of such pauses too. Important days - Birthdays, New Years, Anniversaries are all about pausing, breaking our life into parts. I guess these days just don't do it for me. Hence, I am off on a self imposed pause. Call it a vacation, a trip home or just a way to break away from a non-routine to find a way to come back to one.

I know the weeks ahead are full of a lot of pauses, bookmarks and events. Marriages/Birthdays and just re-unions or wasteful days. I have not yet unwound myself in its anticipation. I guess I will just go with the flow and see if I will get back to the book or pick it up years later to find I had left a book mark some time long ago and then flip back a few pages to start again.

Ordinary

I am ordinary...

I want to snuggle in bed when the clock strikes 9. Caffeine brings a rush in my brain that fights sleep for a few more inevitable hours. Music liberates my mind. I converse with several ordinary individuals believing I am leading an extra ordinary life. I connect and yet feel detached. I clean when I have nothing else to do and vent rage via excessive physical exhaustion. I dream of romance, I live reality with a smile. I am homeless. I am my own god - I create and I destroy. I water plants- sometimes in excess or sometimes too scarce. I starve in absolution, I run to re-affirm gravity exists. I write e-mails with typos and I read books to live  stories. I watch movies and cry, I often love the warmth just as much as I am oblivious to the cold. I worship creativity - caricature, musical, strange manifestations of an inner energy of the soul.


Yes I am ordinary, as ordinary as I can be...

Fear of existence and then not

Fears and apprehensions are just inexplicable. We hate not knowing and yet a known eventuality is worse. I have often battled my fears and sometimes just resigned. I woke up today in the dark. Scared, frantically searching for the sun or even the sign of some moon light. I was displaced in time and reality.

I know you will be gone some day
I know I will be too!
Would knowing when or how help?
I wanted to tell you, it isn't ignorance I fear
But truly knowing that I find hard dealing with.
You knew my moon and you know my sun too
It is amazing that you left behind yourself.
The dark side of the sun and the dark side of the moon

It will all come to an end with an epitaph reading - "I knew and yet I did not find the time to write it up! I just never wanted to!"

High-School Romances

There is something amazingly beautiful about high school love stories. They are so true, young, fresh and innocent. People are young, impressionable and mostly in-experienced and completely open to experiences. There are no older memories tarnishing the experience, there are no experiences dissuading you. There is only a high level of expectation, the joy of discovering the unknown and mostly an earnest hope that it will be magical.

The first kiss, the joys of watching, waiting, exchanging notes, buying cards, are all things one just never experiences again. The good thing about that age is that you actually change together and hence in those formative years, who you are with plays a very important role. You try to become the person the other appreciates, you try to like the music the other one listens to, you read similar books, and finally you paint pictures of the future and plan your life. Of course how life turns out years later, just makes you go back and wonder or smile. But the truth is those experiences never come back again. With each new relationship, you probably lose a part of yourself, you find new things about yourself and you swear you will not do what you did earlier ever again. However, this is life and we all change from being vulnerable and romantic to being practical and cynical at times. However, a lucky few probably end up with their high school love or still feel high-school like, despite years of trying. What is important is to hope that everyone experienced the magic and that hopefully the magic has had an effect on them that they are carrying for life!

She walked in and he just knew, 
Something was amiss and he felt something new.
He shared his anxiety not with her but his friend.
The one who delivered to her all messages he would send.


Soon they got talking, but he never let her know.
She walked in one day saying there was something she had to show :-)
She moved close and brushed her lips quickly against his cheek,
His heart skipped a beat and his knees went all weak!


They spent time together and stole glances in class.
They were a couple and stood out during morning mass!
They had sweet names for each other, they would call.
They composed poetry and that was not all.


Breaking-Making, Philosophy and rock!
Spending time waiting or staring into a clock!
One day without a warning or even a bolt,
Time had come when their love was about to jolt!


They had to move on and make choices new.
Leave things behind and they hadn't a clue!
We plan life, we dream, we wish we can hold tight.
But destiny and time often bring on a fight!


Boy meets girl and girl meets boy,
The story of many and a promise to joy
Some stories end with the same one at last!
Some stories just leave us with memories of a lovely past.

** Inspired whilst watching that 70's show. Apologies for poetry with rhymes - the kind I would have composed back in high school:-)