Archives

Cleaning up a computer disk these days is almost like cleaning up closets during my childhood. One always found lost money, treasure, notes, gifts, collections and for a brief moment one was taken back in time. I realized I write a lot, I just don't post enough. I think the best way to tame my mind is to get it to write. So on my disk I found fragments of my life all scattered in text files. Just picking up a few and posting them here. Hope you are all having a lovely year. I need to get back and write to the real world I know!

Connections

Are my words making any sense?

Do you just sit back read and smirk?

Or cast that look like you knew it all

Or do you just wonder if u can live with this for now?

Or maybe you just want to close doors,You just may not know how and when

Or maybe this is a nice muse that gets u past your day

or is there something else I cant see and you cant see

Not right now and maybe we will together?

Tanhaai

Raat ki chaadar odhe hue. Tanhai ki jhalak dikhaai di.

Kkarvat badlee tho tumhaari saans chu si gayee...

Aur tanhaal ki numaishi dekh chand chip sa gaya!

Izaazat

Izaazat chahti hun khud se sumjhaata karne ki.

khud se dosti karne ki.

waqt ke saath aur umeedon se pare chalne ki.

shaayad talaash ko khatm karne ki.

Yun toh saath rahungee sada, 

Is talaash mai banti hui paaoon kabhee tho us pal ki izaazat chahtee hun.

Anjaane mai khamosh ho kuch bolun jo tum sunna na chaho...tho us gustaakh ki izaazat chahti hun.

Is izazat maangne ki khata karne ki izazat chahti hun..

Found two poems from the movie Udaan which I loved:

Udaan

Jo lehron se aage nazar dekh paati toh tum jaan lete main kya sochta hoon,

Wo aawaz tumko bhi jo bhed jaati toh tum jaan lete main kya sochta hoon.

Zid ka tumhare jo parda sarakta toh khidkiyon se aage bhi tum dekh paate,

Aankhon se aadaton ki jo palken hatate toh tum jaan lete main kya sochta hoon.

Meri tarah khud par hota zara bharosa toh kuchh door tum bhi saath-saath aate,

Rang meri aankhon ka baant-te zara sa toh kuchh door tum bhi saath-saath aate,

Nasha aasmaan ka jo choomta tumhe bhi, hasraten tumhari naya janm paatin,

Khud doosre janam mein meri udaan chhoone kuchh door tum bhi saath-saath aate.

Joote

Chhoti-chhoti chhitrayi yaadein

Bichhi hui hain lamhon ki lawn par

Nange pair unpar chalte-chalte

Itni door chale aaye

Ki ab bhool gaye hain ki

Joote kahan utaare the.

Aedi komal thi, jab aaye the.

Thodi si naazuk hai abhi bhi.

Aur nazuk hi rahegi

In khatti-meethi yaadon ki shararat

Jab tak inhe gudgudati rahe.

Sach, bhool gaye hain

Ki joote kahan utaare the.

Par lagta hai,

Ab unki zaroorat nahin.

Thats it from the treasure of archives for now.

Travel music and a cluttered mind.

I guess it has been a rather long day. However the last few days with instruments and access to them (courtesy the vacation) has got me addicted(almost).  While the day started with 1 hour of drumming and forcing myself to get up and leave, I also realized just how much there is to see if you keep your eyes open. I had to get my pair of footwear fixed and was most intrigued by the folks I saw at a cobbler stand at 8.00 a.m. There were random people wanting to sit and read the telgu news paper. There was also an old man almost committed to the cause of the cobbler and was busy keeping all customers seated and at ease whilst the guy did his job. Only later I found out that he wasn't related to the guy but just someone who did not know how else to while away time. The engineering needed to fix a shoe made me want to go back to a workshop and really get down to fixing, cutting, welding and whatever else. There is so much joy in the sheer mechanics of physical craftsmanship! You work on an object and you see an end product!

I finally completed my pending list of daunting and most mundane tasks- Taxes, Claims and Bills ! I discovered when I filed my travel claims, I almost re-lived most moments of my trip. "Recalling" is a strange word and a strange phenomenon. It was in those moments that I realized that I had a lot going on in my mind. I was aware of a few effects and only today realized the cause. I seem to be oscillating between clear and unclear territories. Exciting and depressing times. I am doing things that I cant seem to understand and yet been in control of most parts of my day. It takes a few bills and "recalling" and quiet time to realize that maybe your mind can think clearly and unclearly at the same time. I have been in the moment and away so many times that I did not realize it this far. I am amazingly ambivalent at this phase of my life.  I guess I have submitted my claims and that shall apparently settle the trip and clear my mind. Aah so easy apparently:-) if only the mind was so easy to please!


I did get back to my harmonium the last few days and its amazing how easily I can suddenly "recall" the lessons I learnt for a few months in my 2nd grade. I remember the Hindustani key notes, the fingers and the non-stop practice - mastering speed and precision. I also remember how the teacher left and my lessons came to a stop. I finally never found a Hindustani harmonium teacher again. I had a book of harmonium lessons stacked in my stash of books. I realized I have come so far and yet have to go back to where it all began. I can of course re-play the lessons in 5 mins now as opposed to 5 days of practice years ago. I can read a lot faster and move my fingers at a much faster pace. All the years of moving my fingers on keyboards of different sorts has made it easier. All the "no years" of learning has taken me back to learning from that book today.  I started to read and learn about Hindustani classical music last night till late hours.  Played the harmonium even to try out a few things at random hours of the night, thought about it through the day and finally got back home and been playing on my Harmonium for whatever part of the day is left.

Every one has a few favorites and mine for today during this late hour is "Raag Darbari Kanada". Listening to this

recording just made me imagine an empty palace with a large courtyard and a broken man sitting in the midst, below the moon surrounded by a cold structure of white marble. Suppressed and yet wanting to let go and then he almost gets into a trance singing and wakes up in a dream at the end of it. I guess my imagination has always been an overkill but I guess this is what came to my mind. It possibly a reflection of my state of mind or maybe my madness!

I also know that imagination is a good escape from reality. Reality is only perception! My perceptions sees:


Jet planes, mid night jogs;
Mirco breweries, early morning fogs.
An endless wait; a constant need!
Garden breakfasts and planting seeds.
An empty airport a sleepless mind!
Perfumes so many and yet just one of a kind!
Excitement, Rush, Desire Afar;
Long conversations driving in a car.
I can go on about reflections I see
I guess that was also just mee!

The first conscious day into 2011

Today seems like my first conscious normal routine day into 2011 and lots has happened and not happened.

• It is one of those drum easily days. I tried a lot of new stuff and innovation and it worked and sounded good. I also did not miss too much on timing. I guess familiar songs help since one just knows when to be innovative. Also complete focus was so easy today. It felt like I could have attempted more complex stuff today.
• It is also a day when I have decided for good or for bad to just completely lose control and let go. I also decided that life is really better lived in the moment than in anticipation or memory. Not a new lesson, but strange how every time it feels like a new realization :-) Probably because closure is often what keeps most of us on hold most of the times. However, one possible way of closure is to accept it without knowing why.
• I did not get out of my lazy routine and take charge of so many things on my mundane list. I do somehow have the intent to do that tomorrow. Bills, Taxes, Travel Claims and Pending Chores from ever!!! Sigh Sigh Sigh
• In some strange ways I don't seem to want social interaction in abundance and feel extremely content locked up or not meeting people. It is one of those phases where excessive socializing can cause stress:-d leading to seclusion.
• I seem to be hooked to facebook and the internet world of publishing information about myself. How strange is that. From being a critic to a contributor I have come a long way!
• I look out of my french windows and for the first time it is not the sky but the land far away that I look at. Strange things happen and maybe the sky is for a dreamer and the land for a more practical person.
• I decided to start a blog about the gadgets that I own. Trying to give back to the world, tips I looked for when I bough the stuff.

Whatever it is, I think the world of IT looks very lit up with small windows glittering with lights. Possibly folks sitting on computers still working in what looks like the office of a large software company in the tech park. There is a certain element of culture this mix has brought in which scares me. It scares me that all that was Bangalore, will be lost to the weekend mall folks, the compulsive spa couples or the bihari cooks that inhabit the space. But heck people call it Bengaluru anyways.

Sorry for the digression but I am never known to start and end things in the same way am I?

Another year gone by! - 2010

Every time around this time of the year, I get into a cocoon of sorts. I wish I can just snuggle in a corner, be with myself and think, feel, write and say nothing. Years, days and life is about the following and my summary goes:

People, faces and corridor clashes!

This year was special because of people. I met a whole lot of friends, special connections, random strangers and my past circle. It was amazing to re-bond with my best friend from childhood and realize how special some bonds really are. My leisurely meetings with my best friends made me ponder about moving to the US as it felt like home and I was reminded again about the importance of having people you can talk to or say nothing to around you. I also realized Cancerians are comfort zone for me. I did have the best Sulaimani teas and diwali celebrations with the special cancerians in my life. I also realized my day is incomplete without the sun rising and shining. I always do love the "dhoop chaanv" it plays with me but heck it is a part of my day. The end of the year was so so full of connections from my past - Schools, Colleges, Randomness, Infatuations, Foes all coming together taking me back in time and re-looking at every one in a complete new way.

The year was about kids in a large way. I so love all of the kids I have baby sat, played with, even fought with or taught drumming to. I cannot imagine how life would really be without these wonders. And then of course there is family, extended family (which I saw lesser of), friends who are family and family friends.

There are other bonds I shared, undefined, short lived, exciting. All amazing, fitting into my spaces and not crowding my head. I learnt to appreciate the moon just as I learnt to live in darkness. However, the most special thing about this year really was not how much I held onto, but really- How much I let go off!

Airplanes, Places and Casinos!

Places always play a significant part of my year given the amount I travel. However the places that I made a bond with for different reasons are:Chicago, Bay Area, Dilli, White Field , Portland, and my apartment:-d I do seek to travel again this year, hopefully not for work but for pleasure or both. Benaras, Mumbai and a few other places are on my list for sure.

Aah and then the daily rut!

The highlight of the year was that I did actually lose a lot of weight without a resolution at the start of the year. There are activities I got back to or started anew - Running, Cycling, Swimming, Fitness! Green tea, Music, Movies! I also lost sight of a few things like - Play watching and reading. I really wish, I read more and watched all the plays that did come by. Adventure, socializing, Cultural activities at home and watching a music concert of someone I know was the essence of my year in terms of events! I did feature on Page 3 and partied a lot lot more this year.

The material world!

This year I bought a lot of my musical instruments (Drums, Keyboard, Tabla, Dholak etc etc), gadgets such as the iPAD. I upgraded my apartment marginally with some art work. I also wish I had fixed my camera and taken many more pictures at times on my adventure trails. I also bought a bicylce and intend to buy a new car. I guess the highlight though was the perfume purchase which taught me how money can actually buy happiness in a desolate airport on a lonely birthday. I also plan on buying the Calvin and ACK (Amar Chitra Katha) collection amongst many other things in the coming year.

Blink Blink!

And finally the year is always about the thinking, feeling and blanks that make it all work in your head and heart. I am glad I had long debates and days of silences and blanks. But mostly I know I have learnt a few things, I am content and I am fitter this year! Of course I am never completely happy about the time that has gone by. But again life is never perfect and we have to find our way of being passionate and driven every day of our life - Be it for money, a song on the iPOD or a glimpse of someone. I do find my drive - every day or at least on most days.

New lessons:

• Being concise is a good thing. People dont value your thoughts much otherwise.
• If you really really want something it will happen. At its own pace, in its own way, but it does happen.
• Being patient is frustrating but rewarding!
• All people you invest in, do end up finding a way into your life. Its always a question of time and letting them be and accepting.
• It helps to assume people change over time and life never starts from the same point when you meet people after ages.
• Music in the 80's and 90's rocked.
• I am a people person after all:-) Sometimes the people are silences and spaces.
• I am not looking for anything in particular, really!
• I have learned to be far more accepting this year of things and people.

I am glad for a year has gone by and I have not struggled to pen down what it was about, though words are never enough. I do wish all of you a lovely year ahead. I do sign off with the hope that I do not bore any more people with such boring posts this year around.